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The Super Bowl commercial for M&M’s features Danny DeVito bobbing in a tepid pool of chocolate, as he groans in pleasure and splashes it about his face

It’s just a teaser. But consider us teased!

Hello. My name is Grant, and I’m going to be your Super Bowl commercial critic for 2018. Most of the commercials will be released early, so I’ll write them up as we go. Don’t forget to bang that follow button.

We’re starting off with a teaser for a commercial, which is inherently offensive. This isn’t Black Panther, you idiots. You don’t need a commercial for a commercial, even if it will eventually give me a chance to say something like, “I only follow the Super Bowl commercials for the Super Bowl commercial teasers” in a snotty voice.

But, really, the idea of a teaser for a commercial makes me mad. What kind of teaser could possibly make me impatient to watch a commer ...

Oh.

Dammit.

You got me, brands. You got me this time.

This is an M&M’s commercial featuring Danny DeVito moaning VERY CONVINCINGLY as he floats in a bog of milk chocolate. He sells it. He will win a SAG Award, at a minimum, for convincing us that there is absolutely nothing better than wearing shorts and an M&M’s outfit while bobbing in a warm reservoir of chocolate.

As a country, we used to dream about storming the field during the Puppy Bowl and getting licks and snuzzles. Now we dream about stripping down and floating in an ocean of gooey decadence. This trend seems like it’s going in the wrong direction, but listen to the man groan, “Mmmmm, Super Bowwwwlllllll,” holding that last note for a bit, almost growling it, before deciding that this chocolate does absolutely no good if it’s not sluiced all about his face.

Can you blame him? Who among us?

It’s far too early to give this commercial a grade. We’ll have to come back for the full commercial. But my job as a Super Bowl commercial reviewer is to ask the most important question of all:

Was this commercial worth the $7.7 million dollars it cost to run it?

We can’t answer that yet, but ...

People love watching Danny DeVito bobbing in the chocolate that will eventually be used to make your M&M’s. It was just a theory, but now it’s confirmed. Someone give that ad exec a raise.

And someone else get DeVito a gold statue of some sort. Please.