Welcome back to THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE, your sojourn through the most aggrieved and devastated portions of the college football internet.
This is a special week, where we’ll take a look at some devastation that came before some big news broke.
This week, we’ll discuss the story of a dynastic American family with deep roots in the Midwest that managed to maintain multiple high-level government jobs for decades, despite the world changing around it and loud opposition from all corners.
That’s right. First, we’re gonna talk about the Stoops family. And we’re gonna talk first about now-former Oklahoma defensive coordinator Mike Stoops, because there’s never been a fanbase that wanted an assistant coach gone more than OU fans wanted Stoops gone. And then we’re gonna talk more Stoops.
After Oklahoma lost, 48-45, to Texas on Saturday after years of inept defense, this was how Sooners fans felt about Stoops.
Plenty of people planned to stop giving the school money until Stoops was gone:
This person was just going to give up fandom altogether:
I have been a Sooner fan since 1968. Been through the good times and the bad times. But these are the worst times. I cannot deal with Mike Stoops any longer. Done and done until that clown is gone.
Many were calling for Lincoln Riley to make a change. But others were saying it shouldn’t even be Riley’s decision. This one appealed to a higher power:
If Mike Stoops is not gone after this game, Lincoln Riley should be fired.
We aren’t just talking about a below average defense. We are talking about the worst defense in the country.
It seems that might have happened:
Turns out my guess was spot on, according to a great source. Presidential level. https://t.co/BHyMg9OuSI— John E. Hoover (@johnehoover) October 8, 2018
This one appealed to a different higher power, except that power was the former head coach and coach’s brother, no longer empowered to make Oklahoma’s staffing decisions:
Bob needs to step up. It is time. He needs to approach Mike and tell him “Mike, I have made you millions of dollars here the last 8 years. It is time. You need to step down.”
Here was a Concerned Sooner who worried that Stoops’ continual employment by the football program was an embarrassment to the broader university community.
Honestly, it is so bad and so obvious that it is a national disgrace. It is apparent. Even fans of other teams are totally aware of it and yet, those who could change it DO NOTHING.
This is infuriating and has really caused me to reevaluate Riley. I have said it before, but when the OU business school calls me for money I tell them I won’t give a penny as long as Mike Stoops is still employed at OU.
I won’t give my hard earned money to a university that allows totally incompetent employees to stick around and getting paid over 1 million dollars to boot.
This criticism of Stoops contained multitudes:
Just doesn’t exist and Mike Stoops is worse than CNN!
This one was just harsh:
My 6 year old nephew could call a better defense.
And guess what?
I DON’T HAVE A 6 YO NEPHEW!!!
One question that was asked: With Stoops at defensive coordinator, would QB and A’s center field draft pick Kyler Murray just decide to stop trying?
Since we have no shot at making the playoffs with mike stoops at DC, do you think kyler will keep giving it his all, or do you think thoughts of injury will creep into his mind and he’ll back off?
The saddest indictment of the whole state of affairs, however, was this:
Scratch that. This was the saddest:
Today we look like texas tech juco.
Actually Tech has a better defense
OK. That was it.
A trip through Twitter only revealed further Stoops-related sadness.
I'm a:— David Pumpkins (@davidpostic) October 6, 2018
OU Football Fan
⚪️ A Relationship
⚪️ A Job
A New Defensive Coordinator
If you think Mike Stoops is a good coach you’d probably enjoy looking directly at a cats anus for 6 straight hours. #firemikestoops— Bedlambricklayer (@bedlambrick) October 6, 2018
I made a mistake earlier, I tweeted a message without using. #firemikestoops. I’m glad I was able to put this one together.— B. Cornic (@ZeroKart) October 6, 2018
Mike Stoops really needs to go though. That is a 100% factual statement. Fuck the famous last name, fuck the OU lineage. Get rid of the man who has cost the team the past two losses that both should have and COULD have been wins. FIRE MIKE FUCKING STOOPS— Charles B Wendt (@CubbyTheKraut) October 6, 2018
Fuck you Mike Stoops. Boycott in full effect.— The Objective Homer (@SulphurSooner) October 6, 2018
Mike Stoops is the Jason Garrett of college football #FireMikeStoops— JodyJo (@JodyJo__1K) October 6, 2018
Mike Stoops is so bad he's making me agree with Skip Bayless for fuck's sake. https://t.co/Qbac5gXOO9— Joshua Krell (@deject3000) October 6, 2018
One Redditor had the cruelest suggestion of all.
Deep Fried Mike Stoops with Holly Jolly Sauce was actually on the 2016 menu at the Texas State Fair. You can’t prove me wrong without taking the quiz at this link.
Another Redditor just posted this:
As always, the telltale sign that things are bad is when people aren’t just tweeting about a coach’s firing, but have made it their online identities.
Like this account, @firemikestoops:
Which is not to be confused with @FireMikeStoops1:
Which is not to be confused with @FireMikeStoops2:
They’re all separate entities, to be respected for what they are.
There’s been a Fire Mike Stoops Facebook group, too, which Sooners fans spent the weekend lighting up before news of his exit broke.
This caterer who was cooking barbecue posted a video on Saturday, which you should watch. I urge you to read all the way to the end:
What I wanna know is where the fuck are all you Kool-Aid drinkers at? Where the fuck are you now? Huh? I don’t wanna talk about Mike Stoops, wahhhhh wahhhh. Fucking loser. Our quarterback’s got four fucking touchdowns, and we’re losing by two touchdowns. That’s fucking inexcusable, man. Some of those touchdowns just looked like give-mes. Fucking unbelievable. But let’s keep Mike, because you’re a bad fan if you fucking call out Mike Stoops, fucking sorry ass. Meanwhile, I’m catering a party for 400 people today, and if the food’s not good, no one’s gonna fucking pay me. You know what I’m saying.
So I’ve gotta sit here and stress and make sure everything goes on ... I have be responsible for my actions. But Mike Stoops? Fuck no, man. He can do whatever he wants to do, and we just give him raises and keep him around. To be honest with you, y’all ain’t gonna wanna here this, but I wouldn’t give a fuck if it means getting rid of Lincoln. Lincoln can jump to the fucking pros, as far as I’m concerned. All he does is sit on top of leads. He goes just as soft. That losing shit from Mike Stoops is rubbing off on Lincoln. I’m telling you that right now. He did the same thing to Bob. He’s a fucking anchor. He’s an anchor.
Can’t believe we keep his sorry ass around. If I didn’t have all this barbecue going today, and I was at my house, there’d be holes in the wall. Oh well. I’m high as a fucking kite, so fuck it, man. God damn. You know you’re ripped when you’re at a party getting paid crazy money and you’re sitting on your ass fucking high as a kite, smoking a vape in front of everybody. My season’s fucking ruined.
Elsewhere, ideas ranged from the standard GoFundMes ...
For 3 seasons, OU has had a possible Nat’l Championship/Undefeated team. And for 3 seasons, the defensive coordinator Mike Stoops has destroyed every chance the Sooners have with his terrible defensive play calling. [...]The only solution we have is to cut out the cancer and fire Mike Stoops
... to simply locking the guy out of his office ...
... to just leaving him at the Cotton Bowl in the first place ...
... to a good, old-fashioned protest ...
... to this totally plausible solution:
A few posters were onto some sort of plot to shield Stoops from online criticism:
So, that was the state of affairs between Sooner fans and their defensive coordinator.
Mike wasn’t the only Stoops under fire this weekend. Brother Mark’s Kentucky lost to Texas A&M, and UK fans weren’t happy with their Stoops, either.
You see, this tweet’s actually about Mark Stoops:
Fuck Stoops and really fuck Eddie Gran. You’re the fucking worst and I hope all bad things happen to you and only you, you miserable fucking asshat.— Andrew Burch (@AndrewJBurch) October 7, 2018
His Wildcats have had a lovely season. But they just gave Benny Snell, their ultra-productive Heisman-candidate running back, 13 carries in a game that reached overtime. Fans were down on Stoops and OC Eddie Gran’s play-calling all night. The honeymoon here’s over, because Kentucky fans’ expectations have been poisoned by their basketball team and now don’t want to live in a world in which their football team is just 5-1 and not 6-0.
UK fans were particularly miffed about this pass call on a pivotal third-and-2 in OT:
That and other developments at the end of the game infuriated the faithful:
Apparently Mark Stoops thinks he has Brett Farve at quarterback. Jesus Christ— Tmart (@tbmart5) October 7, 2018
If UK loses this game I'm going to let Mark Stoops know how disappointed I am at Starbucks on Monday.— josh beck (@thwarp) October 7, 2018
Mark stoops is an idiot. Run Benny you win the game. Fucking moron— Eric Raisor (@ericRaisor) October 7, 2018
Mark stoops is a moron— TJ Hendrickson (@HendTJ0004) October 7, 2018
Stoops u a fuck boy for taking the ball out of Benny’s hands— Lilly’s Dad (@realJDpridemore) October 7, 2018
fire mark stoops what an idiotic play call— zach henry (@zach_henry3) October 7, 2018
Hate to say it mark stoops needs to be fired— Matt Maher (@CoachMaher5) October 7, 2018
Bobby Petrino: “Well, I don’t think you can fuck up an end game any worse than that...”— Keith Poynter (@Villesportslaw) October 7, 2018
Mark Stoops: pic.twitter.com/hcbyRS8bKb
What the fuck was Mark Stoops thinking— Clay McDowell (@McDowellClay) October 7, 2018
Mark stoops is the stupidest person on this earth— Kronik (@Krxnik) October 7, 2018
Kentucky is a good football team, no doubt— Kevin Wright (@KLW0408) October 7, 2018
But good lord, Mark Stoops has the composure of a man on death row when his number is called
Coach Mark Stoops is back to his old self again. Talk about some terrible coaching. #UKvsTAMU— The Tony Clifton (@bradyboy09) October 7, 2018
That was the worst coaching segment I’ve witnessed in a long time. Shame on you Mark Stoops. Embarrassing.— Bob (@BobbyMoe24) October 7, 2018
Benny Snell is a potential Heisman candidate and Mark Stoops gave him the ball, on the ground, 13 times. you’ve got to be kidding me.— Jacob Hall (@jacobaustin_) October 7, 2018
Not giving the ball to Benny on 3rd and 2 in that situation should be means for the immediate termination of Mark Stoops and Eddie Gran— Andrew (@ukandrew) October 7, 2018
“3rd and two, what’s the call coach”— mike honcho (@Gratliff3434) October 7, 2018
“Let’s give it to terry he has really been slingin the ball around the yard fuck that man Benny”-coach mark stoops
I will never forgive you Mark Stoops.— Kap'n (@touchmypigskin) October 7, 2018
There's the Mark Stoops "I did something stupid in a loss" smirk we haven't had to see so far this year. Welcome back buddy.— Matthew Dodson (@MattyDodson) October 7, 2018
The biggest problem for Kentucky to come out of this loss? It’s simple:
Unforgivable no one will want to hire stoops after this loss. This one guaranteed he’s in lex another year
This one’s not really about Stoops in particular, but I feel bad for this person:
I will never see another season like 1977, but we were on probation. This was my last chance at seeing an elite winning program at UK. It will take another 40 years for this opportunity.
Life is too short, 1977CatFan.
That one’s about Stoops, though.
Here’s a solution going forward that should satisfy everybody:
Oklahoma Defensive Coordinator Mark Stoops.— Nick Lawton (@NickLawtonTV) October 7, 2018
Who says no?