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30 questions I have after watching this commercial featuring the Browns’ punter and a talking dog

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The talking dog is the least troubling thing about this ad, to be honest.

Hey you, football fan! Quick, watch this! There’s no time to explain, just watch it.

Oh wait, did I say “no time to explain?” What I meant was “there’s no earthly explanation for what you’re about to watch.” What you just saw is, ostensibly, a 59-second advertisement for solar power in northwestern Ohio. But actually, it’s a series of existential crises and philosophical koans posed against the backdrop of an Ambien dream.

And I’ve got questions. So. Many. Questions.

1. Why is punter Britton Colquitt sitting alone, in a seemingly empty FirstEnergy Stadium, while wearing most of his entire Browns uniform but no pads?

2. Who let this grown man and child onto the field of an NFL stadium, and why are they dancing to a backing track from Duke Nukem 3-D at the 20-yard line?

3. When this man suggests the Browns are “dancing again,” is this man aware his team is 2-6-1?

4. Did Hue Jackson wear this team down to such a nub of disappointment two wins necessitates the art of dance?

5. How come no one in this advertisement that prominently features the extremely 2018 dance move The Floss knows how to do The Floss?

6. Why does Jayson, the man we’ll later learn is our “Solar Coach,” do The Floss like he’s Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?

7. Why are they doing The Floss in the first place, and is this a side effect of the sun’s harmful rays?

8. Is this actually an extremely low-key ad for Fortnite?

9. Does Jayson coach the sun?

10. Wouldn’t that just make him Apollo, the Greek god of light, whose chariots dragged the sun across the sky each morning?

11. And if he is Apollo, who is the god of several other things including music, why didn’t he pick an actual song instead of a guitar riff born of Sammy Hagar’s unwashed hair?

12. Who is this child who shares the field with our Greek deity, and where does he fit in the mythical lineup of heroes?

13. Why does tiny Asclepius suggest he’s going to save money on his monthly energy bills by switching to solar?

14. Is he a homeowner?

15. WAIT DO HIS PARENTS MAKE HIM PAY RENT? Jesus, Ohio. That’s brutal.

16. When Apollo, god of plague and poetry, suggests Colquitt’s Dad-moves are exactly how the Dawg Pound dances. Is that 100% true, or just 99%?

17. When Colquitt says switching to solar power was “the best thing I ever did,” how offended should his wife and children feel?

18. Are we meant to immediately feel shame when Colquitt says this, or was that supposed to be earlier when he was dancing?

19. Were FirstEnergy Stadium’s lights always powered by punting? This would explain so much about the Browns’ return to the NFL and outright refusal to play offense.

20. WHOSE DOG IS THIS?

21. Why does he own a lime green 2005 Ford Focus?

22. Is his name just “Solar Dog?” That is a terrible name for a dog.

23. How does he know so much about solar power, and what are his credentials?

24. Why is he staring straight through the screen and into my soul, casting his unblinking judgment on my use of fossil fuels?

25. Why did the producers of this ad dress Solar Dog up in what appears to be some kind of costume just to have it obscured by the car door?

26. Is his 2005 Ford Focus solar powered?

27. Who gave a dog, even a solar powered one, the loan necessary to buy a car?

28. What is Solar Dog’s credit score, and how is it so much better than mine?

29. Does the sun give Solar Dog his power, like the villain from Superman IV: the Quest for Peace?

30. How is this talking dog somehow the most reasonable part of this commercial?

And ... I think that’s all I’ve got for now. But rest assured I came away from this exercise somehow knowing less about solar power than when we began.