I only know two hard facts about Australia.
- All its native fauna and flora want to kill you. The continent’s got a bush whose nettles brings indescribable pain and lasts for several years. There’s a jellyfish there the size of your thumbnail whose sting brings on unavoidable feelings of existential dread. No man should live on this island, yet man lives on this island. Every day in Australia is an act of hubris toward God himself.
- Booze, the one thing able to make you forget that your local environment thinks of nothing but murder all day, is prohibitively expensive. The tax on pure alcohol in the nation is 16 times what it is in America. Back in 2015, it would run you $15.99 for a six pack of beer.
So when one Australian farmer found himself attacked by one of the country’s large, indigenous bouncing rats, he knew immediately what his game plan was.
Step 1: protect the beer.
Step 2: there is no step 2.
WHY DO PEOPLE LIVE IN OTHER COUNTRIES pic.twitter.com/QYxXP09RNQ— Hayley Byrnes (@HayleyByrnes) December 7, 2018
Daniel Tuohey, a man with his priorities in order, was retrieving his dogs from a nearby pond when a local kangaroo decided to flex up on him. Tuohey made sure his pups were safe, but got knocked to the ground in the process.
While he went for a spill, his beer didn’t. His act of bravery and balance saved him upwards of $2.67 — or more, if it was a fancy craft ale.
“Went down to try to get one of the dogs,” said Tuohey after the incident. “And the ‘roo decided it was gonna have a go at me.”
Australia is terrifying and expensive. Tuohey got through the attack with minor cuts and bruises. And zero spilled beer.