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Super Bowl 2018: A (somewhat) civil conversation between an Eagles fan and a Patriots fan

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NFL: JAN 31 Super Bowl LII Preview - Commissioner Goodell Press Conference Photo by Rich Graessle/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

SB Nation staff writers Tyler R. Tynes and Zito Madu have huddled once again to discuss the Super Bowl. Zito, a known Patriots fan, and Tynes, a known Illadelphian, discuss which team is going to win the big game.

Tynes: I already know you gonna say some dumb shit so get it out now.

Zito: The Eagles are going to lose because the Eagles are not a better team than the Patriots.

Tynes: Well that’s pretty wrong and bold. What’s the genesis of that coming from you, a man who’s never been to New England?

Zito: I see what you’re trying to do here and I won’t fall for it. But you guys have gotten by on some otherworldly magic that’s keeping Nick Foles from playing like Nick Foles. That has to end.

Tynes: Nick Foles is playing as well as he did when he went 27-2 and torched the NFL. We, the Church of Nick Foles, have always believed in his message.

Zito: Did you, though? Where’s the man who was the coach during that time?

Tynes: I don’t know who you speak of. Doug Pederson has been coaching the Eagles since 1963. He’s aging like fine wine.

Zito: Doug Pederson looks like a 10-year-old’s drawing of a what a football coach looks like. It’s like his face wants to be Jon Gruden but he refuses to let it happen.

Super Bowl LII - Philadelphia Eagles Media Availability Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Tynes: This is why he’s so deceiving. Defenses are so perplexed as to how a man wearing a visor could be so handsome, and they don’t execute well when he dials up AN RPO FROM HELL. Which, Zito, how do the Patriots plan to even stop this when the Patriots are known for cheating and not defense?

Zito: Bend and not break defense. Doing their jobs. Executing. You still seem bitter that McNabb couldn’t get it done.

Tynes: I also don’t know who that is. The Eagles have only employed five quarterbacks in history: Nick Foles, Super Saiyan Nick Foles, Carson Wentz, Mike Vick, and Randall Cunningham. Last I checked McNabb played for the Vikings.

Zito: Denying history sounds like something people without Super Bowls do.

Tynes: Bending history for fickle purposes sounds like something people with Boston allegiances do. As someone who plays into “Resistance Twitter” did you not shriek when your coach and Justin-Bieber-at-50-years-old knockoff quarterback backed your president?

Zito: Please, let’s leave politics out of sports. These two things should be separate; sports are supposed to be an escape.

Tynes: Wow, now I really know you rock with #BradyGang. Is that a gang? Do you really think Brady knows Kendrick? I feel like his career is one big Punk’d episode.

Zito: There’s actually a video of him saying that he likes DAMN. And he celebrated one of the SB wins by dancing to Migos. Never seen Foles do that. We’re not a gang, we’re more of a neighborhood watch.

Super Bowl LII - New England Patriots Media Availability Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

Tynes: Tom Brady often sounds like the kid in high school who gaslights his black friends but also reminds you he has black friends.

Zito: You know, you could get rid of all of this anger if you just followed the TB12 method.

Tynes: How’s that helped your life recently? Do you feel more like an anointed, pliable cucumber?

Zito: I feel better. Lighter. Happier. More handsome. And deep in my heart, there’s this very strong feeling, this urge, to see the Eagles lose and watch the hopes of their fans crumble. The only thing that I’m missing in life right now is the collective tears of the city of Philadelphia.

Tynes: Funny, the only thing I’m missing in life is a Gucci sweatsuit.

Zito: This isn’t 2007.

Tynes: Which means I shouldn’t expect the Patriots to win the Super Bowl.

Zito: But the thing is, as long as your quarterback isn’t Eli Manning, I’m not worried about the game.

Tynes: What’s your prediction for the final score of this game?

Zito: 38-14, The Sith.

Tynes: Well since we’re only playing a man who has professed himself as immune to injuries because he drinks alkaline water (rhetoric so snowy it belongs in the Caucasus Mountains) I’d wager 28-17 for Meek Mill’s City.

Zito: Isn’t he in jail?

Tynes: Going directly to the faults and not glory of a young black man? Maybe you could be a New England fan after all.