clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

I am vacating Super Bowl 51

That shit never happened.

Super Bowl LI - New England Patriots v Atlanta Falcons Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

The Louisville men’s basketball program on Tuesday became the first to have an NCAA Tournament championship vacated.

Along with the title, Louisville vacated 123 victories from 2012 to 2015, and must also return millions in conference revenue from the 2012-2015 NCAA Tournaments. It’s the NCAA’s way of saying all of that just never happened. Even though you can still buy a shirt commemorating the title on the NCAA’s official site.

With all that said, I’m here to announce that I am vacating Super Bowl 51.

Since we can just up and pretend like titles didn’t happen, I’m shooting my shot. The Falcons never lost a Super Bowl in the year 2017. In fact, the entire 2016 NFL season just didn’t happen.

The Falcons never stormed out to a 21-0 lead. Robert Alford, on behalf of millions of Americans, never took a Tom Brady pass to the crib while leaving him to eat turf. That sounds A M A Z I N G but it never happened.

The Falcons were never up 28-3, and you definitely never got excited and thought they would win the game.

James White didn’t score that first touchdown with 2:06 left in the third quarter to make it 28-9. Stephen Gostkowski didn’t trim it to 28-12 with under 10 minutes to go in the fourth. Danny Amendola certainly didn’t catch a 6-yard touchdown pass from Tom Brady with White converting on a two-point conversion to make it 28-20. White also didn’t punch it in with 57 seconds to go, and Amendola didn’t catch the two-point conversion to make it 28-28. White also never won the game on a 2-yard run in overtime. In the middle of all of this, the Falcons never forgot how to run the ball, or play offensive line without false starting.

“28-3 lolol” never became a meme.

We’ve never had a Super Bowl go to overtime.

Tom Brady has four rings.

The Falcons never suffered the most heartbreaking loss in the history of sports. And Godfrey never dry heaved into a trash can while a beer lady closing her kiosk said, “Ooooh, oh baby. Baby, you gonna be OK.”

You know what DID happen?

The Eagles beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. That totally happened.