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Super Bowl commercials 2018: Pepsi would like to remind you that Pepsi has made Pepsi commercials

I wish I could drink an ice cold can of Pepsi commercials.

GET A JOB

For years, I was obsessed with ABBA’s Gold: Greatest Hits. For my money, “SOS” is the finest pop song ever written, even if it’s nothing but empty calories. I would listen to it and marvel at how much fun it all was, even as it said nothing.

That’s what this commercial wants to be. It wants to be a greatest hits collection of a band that didn’t actually contribute anything beyond empty calories.

Band. Brand. Connect the dots, sheeple.

It’s a literal greatest hits album, but for a brand. That seems gross, but it’s also somewhat effective. It starts with some hippie that’s supposed to be your dad, except my dad was in the National Guard and deployed in Berkeley, where he would point guns at people who looked like that guy. Then there’s some drive-in lust, a Pepsi on the moon WHICH IS NOT CANON, a Pepsi on a future Mars landing WHICH ISN’T CANON YET, and then there’s Cindy Crawford and her kid, and there’s Ray Charles, followed by Kyrie Irving in old-man makeup, which is followed by a DeLorean going through time, which is followed by Jeff Gordon, I think — don’t email me if I’m wrong. Then there’s Britney and Michael, and it’s clear that this isn’t meant to make you yearn for Pepsi, the corn-syrup delivery service, but for Pepsi the Commercial-Making Machine.

It reminds me of this classic Onion article:

This is a Pepsi commercial about Pepsi commercials. They’re shooting a fire hose of reclaimed water at you to remind you of what the water tasted like when it was fresh. And danged if it doesn’t work a little bit.

Of course, Pepsi still tastes like malted battery acid. Which is something of a concern.

Is this commercial worth $15.4 million?

Sure, whatever, I hate that I started including this section in my Super Bowl commercial reviews because it suggests that corporations like PepsiCo really care about how much money they spend on commercials. They don’t. Now have some sugar.

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