The Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony unfurled in all its multi-cultural and colorful glory early Friday morning, airing live from Pyeongchang for anyone committed enough to wake up at the crack of dawn to watch the teams debut in real time. For anyone not masochistic enough to ruin their sleep schedule just to catch a glimpse of the Olympic torch being lit live, the ceremony will air live at 8 p.m. on NBC Friday night.
For American viewers, the most anticipated moment (besides the return of the shirtless Tongan flag bearer we all know and love from the Rio Summer Olympics) was when 244 U.S. Olympians entered the arena sporting red, white, and blue outfits — courtesy of team-outfitter Ralph Lauren — that would be just as comfortable in a Tahoe apres-ski setting as they are in a massive arena in freezing Pyeongchang.
The uniforms as a whole work quite well. It might be the best showing that Ralph’s had in his six Olympic clothing efforts (he first outfitted the team in 2008). But taken separately and analyzed one by one there are definitely stronger pieces that are carrying the weaker parts of the ensemble.
So naturally, I ranked them. This ranking goes from worst to best, and there might be some unpopular opinions about the order. But I stand by it.
8. Bandana
The bandana is last because it’s completely pointless. Not as a general item to wear in your day-to-day life, by all means continue wearing bandanas when you are hiking or doing yard work or however you choose to use it. It’s pointless as a piece of this outfit, because it is worn under the collar of the team’s sweater rather than over it, which means you can barely see the design.
It also looks extremely uncomfortable shoved under the sweater like that. What normal human wears a bandana like that? Nobody. Even the design is terrible. It looks like the Old West had sex with a dollar bill and then adopted an ancestor of U.S. Soccer’s crest. It’s the bandana you buy on a whim the day before Fourth of July to wear to the bonfire then wear it that one time and never again. Years later you’ll find that bandana in the back of a drawer and wonder why you bought it in the first place. It’s so bad.
There’s absolutely no reason for the bandana to be part of the uniform at all. Did Ralph lose a poker game to a bandana manufacturer? Is he running out of ways to make these uniforms look fake-WASPy and is just reaching for random weird accessories? Who knows, but it’s by far the weakest part of the outfit.
7. Gloves
The gloves are benefitting from a real “you don’t have to run faster than the bear, you just have to run faster than the slowest person” situation here, since they are second-to-last by virtue of the bandana being so pointless and bad. The gloves are not great, and have been the most criticized piece of the outfit in the lead up to these Olympic games.
That’s not entirely the gloves’ fault, since they are the flashiest part of the outfit and therefore the easiest thing to latch on to when criticizing this year’s look. But they also have some weaknesses. The biggest criticism has been that by virtue of all the fringe hanging off of them they are very close to crossing the line between being “inspired by” traditional Native American clothing and completely crossing over into cultural appropriation.
Yet even if you divorce the fringe from any sort of appropriation, it’s still not a good design. One defense has been that the point of the gloves is to stand out when the athletes are waving but do you know how we’ll know the athletes are waving? When the camera zooms in on them a million times to show that they are waving. We don’t need them to look like they are about to go wrangle some cattle.
The closing ceremony mittens are a far better a choice and look just as warm and comfortable without the questionable outer design. Those I would buy, but if I wanted to look like I was about to go haul some wood and build up a fire I would just wear the $10 version.
6. Jeans
WHY. Why do they have to be skinny jeans? $300 jeans are bad enough, but that’s Ralph Lauren’s price point so I can’t even be too mad about it. But putting Olympians — people who by nature have different physiques than the average person, especially in the quads and glutes area — in jeans with this cut is just ridiculous and a prime of example of Ralph finessing his clothing one step too far every single time.
Just give them normal jeans that fit them. They are JEANS oh my god. On top of that, the wash is a little weird and the denim overlays on both legs serve no actual purpose. I would talk about the weird side zipper that is straight out of 2002 but I need to stop talking about these jeans before I get any more frustrated.
5. Belt
Do I own at least one belt of this style? Yes. Is at least one of those belts from Ralph Lauren? Also yes. It’s what Ralph does best: Preppy, polished, includes some leather accents, and would fit in just as well at a dockside restaurant in Nantucket as it would in a white collar office job on casual Friday or on an Olympic athlete.
It’s completely inoffensive, fits in with the overall aesthetic of the outfit, and most importantly isn’t designed to be flashy and pull the eye directly to the Olympians crotch for whatever reason. It’s a belt, and it fills the job of “belt” just fine.
4. Hat
A really good, beloved skit hat is sometimes hard to find. Ideally you want something you can wear when it’s 40 degrees or 2 degrees, with a design that can go with anything from your ski outfit to some jeans and a casual jacket, and that doesn’t age too fast since you should hold on to it for a while. For people in cold states, good hats are a signature item.
Now, I obviously haven’t had the change to wear this hat, but this hat seems like one of those hats. It’s simple. It has just enough accents to make it stand out as an actual design and not just a simple blue hat, and it doesn’t go overboard with the Americana. The pom is a nice touch, but it’s not going to draw attention away from the busyness of the rest of the outfit.
Most importantly, it gets bonus points for not being another freaking beret.
3. Boots
Bless Ralph for not crafting these boots in the image of snowboard boots or heavy-duty winter boots. It could have been so easy to get pulled further into the “winter” half of “Winter Olympics” and forced the athletes to walk into the arena with clunky, uncomfortable-looking footwear. He pared down the flashier leather style from 2014 but kept the red laces, which was definitely the right move as it still lets them stand out just a little under the jeans.
Plus, they match the gloves (which remain bad) so correctly follow the rules of using accessories as accents. They are very solid boots, and something that people might actually buy as part of any other Ralph Lauren collection. They look built to last years, not just designed to look like they will last years. A clean, comfortable shoe for athletes who definitely do not want to be plagued by blisters for the rest of their Olympics.
2. Jacket
Much ink has been spilled about this jacket. It’s the centerpiece of the whole outfit, there’s fancy car-seat-warmer tech inside of it, and it’s the item that sold out fastest when made available to a population that will wear it when grabbing a macchiato at La Colombe rather than during one of the greatest moments of their athletic lives. But it’s a really, really good jacket.
It’s a jacket that would look good on anyone in almost any cold setting, warming mechanism included or not. The American flag inspiration isn’t overwrought, it doesn’t slap you across the face. It’s understated but patriotic, with the red and white accents doing just enough to make each athlete stand out instead of them walking in as a giant mass of navy blue. It let’s the sweater — which by now you know is the winner of this little exercise — stand out as the centerpiece of the outfit, while still looking super comfortable and not drowning the wearer as they walk and wave.
The hood looks comfortable, the pockets actually make sense, and the Olympic and Ralph Lauren logos aren’t nonsensically oversized. I almost can’t believe this jacket is so well-designed.
1. Sweater
This sweater. This is an amazing sweater. It’s a peak “posh winter activities” item of clothing, but doesn’t swing far enough toward that aesthetic that it looks out of place.
This is the type of sweater that I’d walk by when browsing through a Ralph Lauren store knowing I wasn’t about to buy anything, then have to walk by it again, then touch it and pick it up and look at the price tag three times just to remind myself that I absolutely cannot buy it, then get home and open it in a browser tab, then leave that tab open for weeks on end so every few days I can look at this really good sweater, then buy a knock-off version from Lands End that does not cost nearly $600.
Even the crest smack in the middle of the design (which ... sigh) can’t ruin the overall effect. The wrist and waist detailing is stylish and the Nordic inspiration is busy, sure, but also a classic design that never gets old. This sweater does all of the heavy lifting in this outfit and somehow pulls it off. A gold-medal winning sweater right here.