It turns out J.R. Smith’s mystery suspension was because of him throwing soup at Cavaliers assistant coach Damon Jones. That’s literally never a good thing. In fact, throwing soup is extremely bad. Smith is completely out of line.
I throw all of those caveats out there to say, dude, this is the most hilarious moment of the NBA season so far. I cannot stop laughing at the fact that Smith threw some soup at a coach and got suspended for a game and I’m sitting here acting like nothing even happened. This is normal for the NBA and that’s completely ridiculous.
But we still have questions that need answers about this soup. This is like the NBA’s version of Who Framed Roger Rabbit — we don’t know! But we can still find out, though. Here are some questions we have that might help us get there.
1. What kind of soup was this?
We need to know this for so many reasons. This is the question that unlocks the answer to all of our other questions. Let’s say it was a cream-based soup — then it probably doesn’t fly anywhere much on the toss and probably really messed up Jones’ suit game for the day.
If it was liquid? That’s an completely different spectrum. It could’ve hit anyone. This question is important and we need answers.
Just text me— Brian Windhorst (@WindhorstESPN) March 2, 2018
2. Why did he even throw the soup?
Maybe Jones couldn’t give him a spoon?!?
I can totally see Smith pulling out the “a-haaa” after the fact. Shoutout to Coming to America.
3. Is Jones OK? And what temperature was the soup?
If it was hot, that’s not good either because it probably burned Jones a bit like when you spill hot coffee on yourself. I’d be concerned for Jones at that point. We hope he’s good.
If it was cold, things probably just got sticky. But it also could’ve been lukewarm or cool. There are so many levels to this.
4. Did Smith plan on throwing the soup or was it heat of the moment?
Smith is a natural-born prankster — we know this. Kenyon Martin almost beat Smith up because of a prank he pulled on him.
And we also know he’s a serial shoe untier.
So it’s not inconceivable Smith would throw soup at a coach as a joke. But it also could’ve been because of some sort of spat they had where Smith threw the soup out of anger. We don’t know. We just have jokes.
5. Why is the suspension only for one game?
I think this is at least a two-game suspension. He threw soup at a coach. That’s pretty much like swinging on a coach, but instead you threw soup. It might even be worse because now he smells like — I’m going to call this — Cleveland Soup. And that can’t smell good.
Seriously, Smith. That’s hella childish.
6. WAIT! Did Smith yell ‘FOOD FIGHT’ before tossing the soup?
Because, if he did, he shouldn’t have been suspended. He gave an ample warning before tossing his soup. Once you yell those magic words, anything is game. Sorry, Jones, that’s the rule.
7. Was this Smith’s soup? Or did he snatch someone else’s?
Because snatching someone else’s soup should be a crime. Also, did he eat some of it before he threw it? If so, that’s just nasty.
Hopefully, Smith didn’t take someone else’s soup and throw it at Jones. First of all, that’s just mean. Second of all, that’s somebody’s food! I’m not sure why you’d eat soup before or after playing basketball, anyway. That seems like an odd meal both before and after hooping. Unless, of course, you like having upset stomachs.
UPDATE: Of course, Kobe Bryant loves soup.
8. Do all NBA locker rooms have soup readily available?
If so, that’s kind of weird. But I guess NBA players might like soup? Which would be totally fine, BTW. To each his own.
Quick hot food take: Soup is generally trash. There are, maybe, five good soups. They’re messy and really not worth your time unless, apparently, you need something to throw.
9. Was the soup in a bowl? If so, was this a frisbee toss?
Because I can picture Smith doing this to show off in front of the other Cavs and just throwing it wrong and hitting Jones.
Tell me, right now, that you can’t picture this. You’re lying. I know you are.
10. How far did Smith toss the soup?
Because if it was farther than three feet, he should definitely be suspended for more than one game. That means it took some effort and aim to throw. If it was less than a foot, he should definitely be suspended for 10 games. That would mean the soup splattered everywhere and probably hurt a bit on impact.
Either way, Smith was really out here wilding. Don’t throw soup, dude.
Twitter also had plenty of jokes
we're at the point where i see that jr smith is launching soup at a coach and i dont even flinch. the nba is out of its damn mind lol— Whitney Medworth (@its_whitney) March 2, 2018
JR's fine/suspension versatility is elite. Drug tests. Untying an opposing player's shoe laces. Now throwing a bowl of soup at a coach? ELITE.— Chris Herring (@Herring_NBA) March 2, 2018
i hope that when jr smith threw the bowl of soup at damon jones he did so while being heavily covered from behind the 3— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) March 2, 2018
We also asked what kind of soup you’d throw
I Think you havd to go with the Beef Minestrone... and say something like OH YOU WANT BEEF?!?!?— John Taylor (@johntaylorshow) March 2, 2018
Obviously Italian Wedding— Cigamodnalro (@cigamodnalro) March 2, 2018
Chicken noodle soup, provided the noodles are large enough to stick to a wall or face— David (@Very_Dad) March 2, 2018
Chowder, chilli, or minestrone. Thick and full of ingredients.— Fred Fredburger (@BrokeHomieTev) March 2, 2018
No matter what the soup, Smith was really out here going overboard. Don’t throw soup, dude.
11. LeBron James is totally leaving the Cavaliers now, right?
He ain’t got time for this.