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A quick observation about every NFL coach in the 2018 yearbook photo

It’s that time of year again!

The NFL’s Annual Meeting is underway in Orlando. Serious business, like the catch rule proposal, will be discussed. But the best part of the entire getaway is the coaches photo, the equivalent of that 10th grade picture you took with your classmates in Washington D.C., only without the raging hormones.

Every year, the coaches gather for a photo in the beaming sunlight. The faces sometimes change, but their reactions always run the gamut, from “coach who is smiling so much, it’s actually disturbing” to “coach who would like to be swallowed up by the Earth, thankyouverymuch.”

Without further ado, here is this year’s photo and what we gathered from it. NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy tweeted out a photo, but we prefer this masterpiece courtesy of Mike Klis.

Top row (left to right): Sean Payton, Pat Shurmur, Frank Reich, Doug Marrone, Jay Gruden, Mike Tomlin, Jon Gruden, Anthony Lynn, Vance Joseph, Mike McCarthy, Hue Jackson, Dirk Koetter, Adam Gase, Jason Garrett, Matt Patricia, Mike Vrabel, Matt Nagy

Bottom row (left to right): Bill O’Brien, Andy Reid, Doug Pederson, Kyle Shanahan, Ron Rivera, Sean McDermott, Todd Bowles, Dan Quinn, Marvin Lewis, Steve Wilks, Mike Zimmer, Sean McVay

Coaches whose casual game is ON POINT

  • Matt Patricia is built like Baymax, but dressed like the discount rack at Belk. Props to him for going off-brand, though: He doesn’t have a pencil in his ear.
  • Congrats to Andy Reid, for securing his title as the most Tommy Bahama-ish of coaches for yet another year.
  • Buy some goddamn socks, Sean McVay, you make several million dollars per year.
  • Mike Vrabel played a marathon game of beer pong last night, slept on the couch at a frat, and then borrowed some clothes from a 21-year-old finance major named Chase.
  • Bill O’Brien, in a last-minute save once he found out he was sitting next to casual king Reid, rolled up his sleeves:
  • Ron Rivera had another full season of working with Cam Newton to step up his style, yet came out with zero floral print OR fedora game. Big ups for looking like the bride’s laid-back dad at the rehearsal dinner, though.

Coaches who really don’t want to be here

  • Kyle Shanahan appears to be seriously considering the trail of decisions that led him to this point in life:
  • Matt Nagy is slooooowly backing up so maybe he won’t have to be in the photo. You can always tell a Milford Man.
  • Hue Jackson forgot how humans smile, which makes a ton of sense for anyone who coaches the Browns.
  • Marvin Lewis is ready for this to be over so he could go to the bathroom.
  • Doug Pederson seems uncomfortably stiff because he’s actually a dog who became a person thanks to an ancient family curse.

Coaches who you DON’T want to mess with

  • Dirk Koetter looks like a supervillain. Adam Gase, who still looks like Putin, is staring into the deep crevices of our soul. Combined, they look like the heads of an Eastern European regime. One that probably has terrible plans for James Bond.
  • Steve Wilks looks like he would fuck you up and not say one word while doing it. After, he’d silently wipe his fist on a handkerchief and take a sip of his favorite 40-year-old bourbon.
  • Mike Tomlin was probably put between the Gruden brothers to keep them from a fistfight, and he’s clearly unhappy about it:
  • Anthony Lynn is the wedding guest who “can’t believe they’re actually getting married.”

We found these coaches’ next profession

  • Jason Garrett already appears to be replaced with a cutout from a real estate billboard, so he’s ready for his post-coaching career.
  • Doug Marrone is an overenthusiastic science teacher who loves to talk about Neil deGrasse Tyson.
  • Sean McDermott — no wait, that’s Dan Quinn — wore all black because he’s gonna be reciting a whole notebook of poetry later.
  • Whenever they reboot King of the Hill, Mike Zimmer can be the new model for Cotton:
  • Mike McCarthy looks like he runs a successful insurance company, and tells you to “break a leg!” every time you go do something remotely ambitious
  • Vance Joseph looks like he could be the face of a law firm. Hell, his name could be a law firm.
  • Sean Payton, Pat Shurmur, and Frank Reich are all planning their run for Congress.

Why didn’t these coaches show up?

  • Bill Belichick couldn’t get his formal hoodie dry cleaned in time. Also, he hates everyone in this photo and that’s why he’s always missing from it.
  • Pete Carroll got lost down a YouTube conspiracy theory wormhole after searching “do mole people exist?”
  • John Harbaugh and the Ravens were having a car wash to help find the money to buy out Joe Flacco’s contract.

The general managers of the NFL also took a photo, though theirs isn’t nearly as fun as the coaches’.

But please, somebody get John Elway a comb — he looks like Will Ferrell’s version of Harry Caray.