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Transcript: A parrot auditions to make the Day 3 pick for the Buccaneers at the 2018 NFL Draft

This is definitely real.

General Views of The Dubai Green Planet Photo by Francois Nel/Getty Images

Correction: This post originally said the parrot would deliver the Buccaneers’ third-round draft pick. It is the Day 3 draft pick. In my defense, this is a made up bird blog.

On Monday the NFL announced that a parrot would deliver the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Day 3 draft pick at this year’s NFL Draft.

SB Nation has acquired a transcript of the first audition between a Buccaneers’ team employee, the bird, and his trainer.* It is included here in full.
*We did not actually do this. This is very much not real. Please don’t tweet at me.


“So we’ve got two options here. The bird can either deliver the name, or we can have him say the name.”

“OK. Sure. He can deliver it for sure. Flying is something this bird can do.”

“Well, obviously we’d prefer if the parrot said the name.”

“OK.”

“SQUAWK.”

“Can he do it?”

“Well, what do you want him to say?”

“We don’t know yet.”

“What do you mean you don’t know yet?”

“SQUAWK.”

“I mean, like, it’s an NFL Draft. Things change. It could be any number of guys.”

“You don’t know what you want Mr. Paulie Peanuts to say? When will you know?”

“MR. PAULIE PEANUTS.”

“Like, a minute before he has to say it. Maybe two minutes before. But it could also be, like, seconds before.”

“You want him to learn how to say something in seconds?”

“Yeah.”

“SQUAWK.”

“OK.”

“Can he do that?”

“Uh...maybe?”

“Maybe?”

“...Yes.”

“CRACKER.”

“Well he can’t say that.”

“I know he can’t say that.”

“...”

“He won’t say that.”

“OK.”

“SQUAWK.”

“So, just for like, practice sake, can I give him a few names and see how he does?”

“I thought we didn’t know what he was saying.”

“We don’t.”

“OK.”

“But we can, I don’t know, give him a few test cases just to see.”

“OK.”

“SQUAWK.”

“OK, what do I do?”

“Just tell me a name.”

Jameis Winston.”

“OK. OK. Mr. Paulie Peanuts, say ‘Jameis Winston.’”

“JAME IS WINT SON.”

“Hey! Not bad!”

“Close enough, right?”

“That’ll work!”

“OK.”

“SQUAWK.”

“I’m telling you, that’s a relief. We might be able to do this. Honestly I was worried for a second there we were going to have to find someone named Squawk to draft.”

“Ha ha. No no. Mr. Paulie Peanuts is a talented bird.”

“MR. PAULIE PEANUTS.”

“Let’s try one more.”

“OK.”

“Equanimeous St. Brown.”

“What?”

“Equanimeous St. Brown.”

“Come on.”

“He’s a wide receiver for Notre Dame. It’s entirely possible we pick him.”

“...”

“ ...Is there a problem?”

“No.”

“SQUAWK.”

“Listen I know this is tough, but I need to know if Mr. Paulie Peanuts is going to come through for us. This is nationally televised. This is a big deal.”

“MR. PAULIE PEANUTS.”

“Alright. Give me the guy’s name again.”

“Equanimeous St. Brown.”

“Alright. Mr. Paulie Peanuts, say Equanimeous St. Brown.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Mr. Paulie Peanuts, say Equanimeous St. Brown.”

“CRACKER.”

“No cracker. No cracker until you say Equanimeous St. Brown.”

“...”

“Listen, if the bird can’t do it.”

“No! He can do it!”

“SQUAWK.”

“MR. PAULIE PEANUTS, SAY EQUANIMEOUS ST. BROWN.”

“EEKIE...”

“Yes...”

“EEKIE...”

“DO IT, MR. PAULIE PEANUTS!”

EEKIE...”

“DO IT! YOU’VE GOT IT!”

“EEKIE JIMMIE CUM STAIN TOWN!”

“YES!”

“What?”

“YES, MR. PAULIE PEANUTS!”

“That’s not at all his ...”

“CRACKER.”

“ALL THE CRACKERS FOR YOU, MR. PAULIE PEANUTS. YOU ARE A GOLDEN BIRD GOD!”

“We are going with Zsa Zsa.”