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What’s the WORST soccer team we could build out of American pro athletes?

Talking about the best possible team is easy. Let’s take it to the next level.

You’ve seen many blog posts about what a great soccer team America could have if its best athletes had focused on that particular sport. Here’s one from almost a full decade ago. We get it by now: Steph Curry and Odell Beckham Jr. would’ve been incredible at soccer.

We’re here today to discuss something newer: What’s the worst, not best, possible men’s soccer team made up of professional American athletes? (And no, we can’t just say “the USMNT.”)

These are not bad athletes, to be clear! They’ve all made long careers out of their crafts. These are, however, players who would be horrible fits for the following assignments. For a formation, we’re playing a 4-3-3 with two advanced wingers, because why not.

Goalie: J.R. Smith

“My God, what a beautiful save by the lengthy and athletic J.R. Smith. His only failing: being in the wrong goal at the time.”

Outside backs: Jay Cutler and Kyle Orton

A defensive position that involves speed, attention to detail, and shutting down the other team’s best attackers. The level of pace we can expect from these two former Chicago Bears quarterbacks:

Looks great out wide, though!

Center backs: Isaiah Thomas and Lou Williams

The second-to-last line of defense should usually be tall, strong, and physical. On that note, we have small basketball scorers who will not be asked to score, basketball or otherwise.

Los Angeles Lakers v Dallas Mavericks Photo by Ron Jenkins/Getty Images

Central midfielders: Phil Mickelson and Davis Love III
Defensive central midfielder: John Daly

Before you clicked this post, you thought, “It better have a lot of golfers.” Fear not, I saved all the golf for the middle of the formation, the players who have to be running around at all times throughout the match.

Mickelson and Love are here because they’re two of the PGA Tour’s oldest contenders. Daly is obvious and will also be in charge of designing our kits.

AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am - Round Two Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images

Wingers: Bartolo Colon and Dan Vogelbach

We’ve reached the baseball portion of the program. The brunt of our attack features stocky and stationary strength on both sides, capable of planting itself anywhere on the pitch and delivering 250-plus pounds of power, though that’s not at all the point of the wing position.

Striker: The Undertaker

Our entire offense culminates in a 6’10 53-year-old who’s spent the past three decades training himself to walk ever more slowly.

Manager: Mike Leach

Leading us will be a man whose preferred American football score is something like 55-52 with 15 minutes still to go. A sport in which the winning team might only have one point and in which you can’t just pick the ball up and throw it 65 times? That’ll have him muttering to himself about bombardier beetles, Italian auto racer Carlo Maria Abate, or the Pomeranian War.

Your turn

Do your worst in the comments.