President Donald Trump had a big chunk of free time in the middle of his Tuesday after cancelling the Philadelphia Eagles’ planned Super Bowl reception at the White House. So instead, he hosted a celebration of America — i.e. the singing of patriotic songs to which Trump may or may not know the words — for the “more than 1,000 Eagles fans” who had been cleared to attend their team’s event but now were faced with “a different type of ceremony — one that will honor our great country, pay tribute to the heroes who fight to protect it, and loudly and proudly play the national anthem.”
That ceremony came and went Tuesday afternoon, and while there were a bunch of people in attendance, whether or not they were actually Eagles fans is a subject of some debate. There was plenty of white in the crowd, but a concerningly small amount of midnight green and silver to be found.
Not exactly sure who these @Eagles “fans” are but I have counted exactly one item of clothing with an eagles logo on it at the White House. #Eagles #EaglesNation @NBCPhiladelphia pic.twitter.com/XAo9u6L2F2— Tim Furlong (@tfurlong) June 5, 2018
So how can you be sure your Philadelphia Eagles-inspired rally for patriotism has been attended by actual Eagles fans? Here’s a step-by-step guide to separate Philly’s finest from the interns and pages just looking for an excuse to stand outside for a while.
Ask them who the Eagles’ quarterback was at Super Bowl 52. Carson Wentz is incorrect. Nick Foles, while being technically correct, is incorrect. The answer you’re looking for is “Big Dick Nick,” barked out in an accent that somehow sounds like Bud Light Lime smells.
Sing the opening to Meek Mill’s Dreams and Nightmares, then ask them whether or not it’s time marry the game. The response you want here is “Yeah, I do.”
Hand out D cell batteries to each “Eagles fan” in attendance. If the first five minutes of the event go by without a Secret Service agent taking one to the back of the head, you’ve orchestrated an event without any Philadelphia fans.
Grease a Pennsylvania Ave. light post. If an attendee still manages to scale it, you’ve got real Philly fans in attendance. If said attendee is then absolutely pelted with an empty liquor bottle, you have an extremely Philly event on your hands.
Ask them about Jeff Garcia. If they answer “who?” you aren’t dealing with Philly fans. If they answer “our baby,” you’ve got Eagles fans in tow.
Ask them about Donovan McNabb. If their answer begins with a quizzical look, similar to a dog’s reaction to hearing a clarinet for the first time, they are not from Philadelphia. If their answer begins with a furrowed brow and the muffled sound of their entire brain screaming, they’re legit.
Ask them the appropriate setting to wear a Brian Westbrook jersey. If they answer “a football game,” they are posers. If they answer “my child’s First Communion,” they check out.
Use “jawn” in a sentence. This is an easy one. Jawn can be used to described just about anything. You could even say “Bring that jawn to the jawn or I’m outta this jawn” and that’d be an acceptable answer.
Have you heard anyone mention Wawa? Then there are probably zero Eagles fans in the vicinity. If they say they prefer “GetGo,” they’ve been bussed in from Western Pennsylvania.