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This Mariners player won’t stop until he hits everyone in the beans with a baseball

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Chris Herrmann is still at large. And he’s coming for you.

Toronto Blue Jays v Seattle Mariners
Do not grant Chris Herrmann time. Do not trust him. Do not take your eyes off him. Do not engage him.
Photo by Lindsey Wasson/Getty Images

Chris Herrmann is a backup catcher who was previously known for having a name filled with double “r”s, double “n”s, and an “m,” which meant it was possible to get him confused with Chris Hernrram, Chris Herrnnam, and Chris Hemmarm, at least in print. But now he has a different claim to fame: He’s coming for your beans.

In the ninth inning of Tuesday’s game, Herrmann hit a foul ball that almost guaranteed that Cameron Maybin, Jr. wouldn’t participate in the 2040 All-Star Game in London on account of never being born.

But after careful research ...

... it looks like it got Maybin on the hip. Which is good! I, for one, am happy about that development. Because it would be ghoulish and weird to root for a direct hit — Ha! Ha! — and I am definitely not either of those things.

On the very next pitch, though, Herrmann made sure his reign of terror and nausea was not done.

Taken separately, the first one would rank a 0 on the BEANS™ score because it didn’t qualify, and the second one would be a 4, because it hit the ground first. Together, though? That’s a cool 7, just for the unlikelihood alone. The odds were against this ever happening, and it’s absolutely chilling to think about.

I said, it’s absolutely chilling to think about.

I SAID, IT’S ABSOLUTELY CHILLING TO THINK AB—

OK, fine, it’s a little funny. But only because nobody was hurt.

On the pitch after that last foul ball, do you know what Herrmann did? Laced a double off the left-field wall. That’s right: He wasn’t going to stop until he’d hit his second two-bagger of the at-bat.

Herrmann was determined to pound a couple of doubles, alright. He almost pounded three of them in one at-bat, which would have been a record. We should all be wary of Chris Herrmann, who is like a T-100, but for beans. He’s coming for you and everyone you love.

Hat-tip to the multiple people who tweeted, emailed, direct messaged, and texted me. Your commitment to the cause is appreciated.