Watch Bartolo Colon squat a pig, cook ribs, eat ribs, and wear a hat that reads ‘RIBS’

I hate giving brands credit. Kingsford Charcoal made a commercial featuring Bartolo Colon, so they wanted to get social media talking about it, and they succeeded. Dammit. It’s absolutely beautiful on multiple levels, and I hate that I’m falling for it.

But, oh, sweet Bartolo, I will always fall for you.

Here is a beautiful commercial:

The video thumbnail is of Colon carrying a pig he is going to cook and eat, so you know it’s going to be awesome. I prefer to pretend pork comes from a cave beneath the grocery store and not an animal you can teach to play fetch, so I can’t get too excited about this. But as an image it is powerful. What, you think Colon is grilling turkey sliders when he’s at home? No. Our hero is literally going whole hog. You could probably feed a couple families with the amount of meat you get off that thing.

The belly jiggle is both a) exploitative and b) deeply satisfying, and it’s the emotional center of this film. It shouldn’t define it, though. There’s too much going on to reduce this to a belly jiggle. For example, there is this image, which is definitely something you should put on the desktop of your mind.

Don’t bother putting it in a folder or a subfolder. Straight to the desktop. Maybe next to this one:

Colon licking barbecue sauce off his fingers is an image so pure, we demand the outtakes, for GIFs, votive candles, and maybe a shirt or two.

Damn you, brands. My only recourse is to tell you I have a new pellet grill and love it. Even then, that’s just pushing you to a different brand. The brands will always win.

In this case, though, maybe the brand deserves it.

Please note that if the World Series gets to a Game 7, there’s a non-zero chance I will be in the press box with an apron, a pillow under a red shirt, and a blue hat that reads “RIBS”.

Bless you, Bartolo. May you pitch until you’re 76 years old and even fluffier.

In conclusion, “RIBS”.