The Hornets trading Bojangles for Chick-fil-A is an utter betrayal

Just when I thought the Hornets were going to avoid this whole mess in the NBA, it turns out that they’re also willing to sell out their ideals for big money from a foreign power.

This is the first time the 2019 Chicken Wars really hit home. This absolute disregard for tradition and honor is disgusting. Just when I think the Hornets can’t possibly make a worse trade than Kemba Walker for Terry Rozier, somehow they do.

I just cannot believe the Hornets would abandon the Charlotte-born and beloved Bojangles chicken empire for some fly-by-night Georgia chain that everyone fawns over, being like, “I don’t know how they make their chicken taste like this!” It’s pickle brine, OK? They soak their chicken in pickle brine. That’s the “magic.” It’s pickle brine. Enjoy.

The Hornets gave away their old, reliable uncle with compression socks for his gout and excellent dirty jokes, for a younger, way less cool uncle who won’t stop asking if you’ve been to bible study and gave you a Joel Osteen “Phrase-a-Day” calendar for Christmas.

On the rare occasion I hit up a drive-through with my 2-year-old, she cries when we go to Chick-fil-A. You know why? Because their “toys” are always something like a dumb coloring book about nature, and their fruit cup always has a half-rotten grape that has expelled its innards all over the rest of the cup. Do you know how difficult it is to tell a 2-year-old that she can’t eat her apple slices because they’re covered in rotten grape gunk dating back to the Bush administration? NOT VERY EASY!

I don’t take her to Bojangles because I don’t want her tiny arteries to get clogged by age six, but that’s beside the point. It’s important to have standards in life, and this is a line in the sand I must draw.

Southern-based chicken emotion out of the way, there’s really only one way to fully describe this in terms any basketball fan can understand. Let’s assume both Bojangles and Chick-fil-A are players. Was this a good trade?

Scoring

If all you’re looking for is someone to put points on the board then the one-dimensional Chick-fil-A wins here. All they have is the chicken sandwich and its far-superior, but underrated, cousin the spicy chicken sandwich. The nuggs are fine too.

Every other menu item is garbage and I’ll fight that to the death. Their waffle fries are always under-seasoned and bland. Every variation on their sandwich is worse than the original, and don’t even get me started on their other side options of soup and salad. Horrible, atrocious. Hate it.

Now Bojangles, lots of options. Many of them excellent. Nothing excels to the height of the Chick-fil-A sandwich, but nothing is bad either. Classic fried chicken? Good. Tenders? Good. Biscuits? Good. Roasted bites? Good. Bojangles is your classic 18-to-22-point big man, while Chick-fil-A is your 30-point ball-hogging small forward who refuses to distribute.

Winner: Chick-fil-A

Defense

This is absolutely, 100 percent where Bojangles shines. Do you know the last time I received an incorrect order from Chick-fil-A, or had to wait in one of those side parking spaces? Never.

You order something at Chick-fil-A and they just give it to you, no questions asked. Heck, even when you shame order a family’s worth of food in a single drive-through run knowing you’re going to go home and binge-watch a season’s worth of Total Divas they’ll never make you feel bad. They’ll even say “It would be my pleasure to serve you,” like you’re the most important thing in their friggin’ world.

If you want to see some DEFENSE with a capital “D” then go to Bojangles. They will ask for your order five times, still not get it right, and if you arrive at the wrong time of day you’re waiting for at LEAST seven minutes for an employee to bring it out to your car.

That is how you defend the paint. Solid 13 rebounds, 2 blocks, easy.

Winner: Bojangles

Teamwork

Have you ever in your life seen Chick-fil-A employees have fun? Think about it. You absolutely haven’t. It’s not their fault. They are all absolutely terrified and uptight because they know at least 80 percent of their customers are going to be giant pains in the ass, and they are going to be busy for every second of their shift.

Bojangles employees? Sometimes they’re having so much fun they don’t even acknowledge your existence. There are times I’ve walked in and they’re laughing so hard at a joke I just missed that I’m an inconvenience to them. I like that. I prefer to be treated like the irrelevant speck of dust that I am, rather than doted on by the Stepford Wives of food service.

I want to be cool and hear the Bojangles jokes.

Winner: Bojangles

Distribution

This is where we get back to discussing sides. We’ve established that Chick-fil-A’s are trash, so let’s talk about the cornucopia at Bojangles:

• Cajun seasoned fries.
• Pintos
• Green beans
• Mashed potatoes
• BoRounds, which are the best fast food hash browns on planet Earth.
• DIRTY RICE — WHICH, MY GOD, WE’RE USING THE REST OF THIS SECTION TO TALK ABOUT DIRTY RICE! READY?! I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE NOT!

So Bojangles’ dirty rice is friggin’ transcendent. If you’re not ordering dirty rice instead of fries in a non-car-eating environment then you’re a chump and you should feel bad. It’s just rice, sausage, red bell peppers and spices but, God, it’s wonderful. Every single person who I’ve preached the dirty rice gospel to is now a convert, and it’s as close to becoming a cult leader I’ve ever been.

Rarely can you get something containing meat as a side item to your meat. Bojangles dirty rice is also in the very exclusive food club where “dirty” is a positive adjective.

Up there I’ve listed six assists to go with your food. You always get a biscuit too, so that’s seven a game.

Winner: Bojangles

Turnovers

I once found three hairs in my Cajun Filet Biscuit and another one in my dirty rice.

Winner: Chick-fil-A

FINAL STATS

Chick-fil-A (SF): 31.7 PPG, 2.1 RPG, 0.0 APG
NBA Player Comparison: Tracy McGrady

Bojangles (PF): 19.4 PPG, 13.1 RPG, 7.4 APG
NBA Player Comparison: Tim Duncan

Both are very good players, and I know someone is going to make an argument over this. I love T-Mac. Exciting player, scored in bunches. Every teenager was obsessed with him because of how many points he put on the board.

Duncan? Kids never appreciated Tim Duncan enough. He came off as boring, but in the end his brand of boring won championships. Bojangles, you are the big, reliable, ever-present North Star in our Carolinian lives and you didn’t deserve to be traded away like this.

The Hornets made an awful trade, and it will be a long time before I can forgive them.