Guess what, jerks? It’s Saturday morning and we’re talking about cereal.
A spirited Slack channel debate about, huh, black jelly beans turned into a long and arduous discussion about which cereals reign supreme in this world. After 15 minutes of “several people are typing” notifications at the bottom of the screen, several ALL CAPS dissertations on the status of breakfast marshmallow, and a lengthy explanation of what bran is, we were instructed to bring this dysfunction to the world at large by our interim editor-in-chief Graham MacAree (please direct all complaints to graham.macaree at sbnation.com).
Yes, as the MLB playoffs rage on, the NBA nears its opening tipoff (check out our incredible preview here), and the NFL and NHL roar through their regular seasons, we devoted entirely too much time to a breakfast cereal fantasy draft. The rules were simple; five writers took part in three rounds of a randomly-ordered snake draft. Best three-cereal lineup takes all.
How are we going to judge that? That’ll be up to you to vote for in our poll below. The winner will receive nothing, but the loser will be relentlessly mocked and have to put their embarrassing failure on all future resumes going forward:
SB Nation, start date - present
- wrote stuff
- talked about punting
- showed the world my ass RE: horrible cereal selections
Here we go:
1. Harry Lyles Jr. - Honey Bunches of Oats
I’m fully prepared to get roasted for this pick, and I encourage you all to tell me why I’m wrong, whether it be in the comments or on Twitter. However, I feel my reasoning is fair, and here’s why.
A good cereal tastes good, and this one is absolutely delicious. It’s got a good mix of tasting healthy, while also being sweet, but not overbearing. In making my No. 1 overall selection, I asked myself what cereal could I live with if I had to eat it every day for the rest of my life, and this was an easy answer. I’m a big fan of incredibly sweet and delicious cereals, but Honey Bunches of Oats felt like a good balance between I Feel Like This Is Healthy and This Is Delicious.
That’s enough to be the top pick, for me.
2. Hector Diaz - Cocoa Pebbles
Not only is it one of the best cereals, but it eventually becomes chocolate milk. That’s a bonus, which makes it a high-upside cereal on top of the already-high expectations for a chocolatey rice breakfast food with Flintstones characters on the box. And if you prefer Cocoa Puffs, you don’t respect the roof of your mouth.
3. Christian D’Andrea - Fruity Pebbles
Did I panic when the inferior chocolate version of the only cereal endorsed by a caveman was picked? MAYBE. Fruity Pebbles was getting snapped up early no matter what though; every bite is a sugary firework in your mouth. And they’re one of the rare cereals that get better as it absorbs more milk. Dredging up rainbow-colored mud from the bottom of your milk swamp is the most rewarding part of a Fruity Pebbles morning.
4. James Brady - Honey Nut Cheerios
My goal was to go for mass appeal — cereals that are unassailable in their universal greatness. So I went with an old standby, one that is perhaps overshadowed in sales by regular Cheerios, but far superior in every way. Maybe everybody doesn’t get hype for them, but who turns down a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios? Bad people, that’s who. Harry came close when he went with the Honey Bunches of Oats out of the gate, but letting the Honey Nut Cheerios slip to four overall was a mistake tbh.
5. Eric Stephen - Cap’n Crunch
The best crunch in the breakfast game, this cereal both lives up to its name and honors its leader’s climb through the naval ranks. I love everything about this cereal, whether it includes Crunchberries or not. The lone drawback of this delectable treat is that it wreaks havoc with the palate. This does not deter my enjoyment of Cap’n Crunch, as I hate the roof of my mouth. I’m eating a Hot Pocket as I type this.
6. Stephen - Golden Grahams
Outside of s’mores, I never cared much for graham crackers. Unless they came in a miniature, much crispier form and drenched in milk. Golden Grahams was among the best cereals at holding its firmness in milk. There are no soggy messes on my team.
7. Brady - Cinnamon Toast Crunch
In sticking with my mass appeal scheme, I was hoping that Eric wouldn’t grab these with his two picks. While he grabbed one of my favorites, the criminally under-appreciated Golden Grahams, I was always looking for Cinnamon Toast Crunch as my second pick. They’re delicious, and anybody should be able to see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I get that cinnamon is a relatively strong spice and can put some people off, but those people are bad people.
8. D’Andrea - Lucky Charms
Sugar surrounded by tiny scraps of cardboard — much different than James’ selection of scraps of cardboard coated with sugar. Eat the Charms within five minutes or you’re stuck shoveling hyperglycemic hamster bedding into your mouth.
Unlike Cap’n Crunch, it actually tastes like something, at least. The fact that nothing-ass Rice Krispies got their own dessert bar and this sugar menagerie didn’t is quite possibly the greatest upset in the breakfast world.
9. Diaz - Froot Loops
I have to admit that my preferred picks were chosen earlier than expected, but you can’t knock this pick. It’s sugary. It’s iconic. It may not have the upside that Cocoa Pebbles has, but it has a solid floor. This is a safe pick, in my opinion.
10. Lyles - Cheerios
Yes, basic Cheerios. This is a very bulletproof cereal that can be enjoyed by babies with a mush brain to people on their last breaths (not to get all morbid, but it’s the truth). Regular Cheerios are delicious, heart-healthy, and can be sweetened with a teaspoon or less of sugar, if you want to give them a kick. The idea that Cheerios could fall to No. 10 is incredible, and I couldn’t pass them up.
11. Lyles - Honey Smacks
This was a tough pick, because I am a huge fan of Cap’n Crunch Crunchberries. But those tear the roof of your mouth by the time you get to the bottom of the box, and for that, they lose points. And no, I’m not willing to let them “soak” to soften them up before eating them. As soon as milk touches cereal, it’s time to boogie. Soggy cereal, like french fries, suck.
Honey Smacks, however, are delicious, sweet, and the favorite of Hall of Fame wide receiver Randy Moss. So they have to be a great value at No. 11, right?
12. Diaz - Frosted Mini Wheats
Surprise! This cereal is bound to be the most uninspiring yet most solid pick out of the whole bunch. You get all the sugar from the other cereals with the semblance of it being healthy with the help of the shredded wheat. Think of this cereal as a tight end that mostly plays like a receiver. Surely, no one else will pick a more questionable cereal in this draft, but this is a fine choice to me.
13. D’Andrea - Cracklin’ Oat Bran
Cheerios, a cereal for toddlers and the elderly, and Mini-Wheats, which I’ve only seen in the wild at my grandmother’s house, both went before me. AND YET I was the one getting roasted for picking an old man cereal at No. 13. Anyone roasting me for drafting COB clearly hasn’t tasted it before. It’s dense and surprisingly sweet. Just like Hector.
And it doesn’t matter when the last time you bought this cereal was. If you’ve ever had it before, that 80s-ass, exceedingly polite box is the only one you envision when you hear the word “Cracklin.”
14. Brady - Reese’s Puffs
This one is part mass appeal, part “James would eat this every day until his death, which would probably come quicker because eating Reese’s Puffs every day is probably not good for your health.” And I don’t care. They’re DELICIOUS and they make for some amazing peanut butter chocolate milk (holy Christ is that a thing you can buy? I gotta go do some Googling.)
Plus, come on — following Harry picking the boring-ass regular Cheerios followed by Hector picking the Philip Rivers of cereal in Frosted Mini Wheats which itself was followed by the old-ass man pick of Cracklin’ Oat Bran ... I had to make a splash. And that splash was into a giant swimming pool filled with Reese’s Puffs.
15. Stephen - Honeycomb
I went with another strong structural cereal here, with the larger Honeycomb bites holding their shape longer than most. While other cereals crumble and wilt in the fourth quarter, my team is much better conditioned to close out this win. I absolutely loved the taste of Honeycomb, but I’d be lying if I didn’t include the commercial jingle as a huge reason for my allegiance to this cereal.
“Honeycomb’s big, YEAH YEAH YEAH!” The 1980s owned.
- Honey Bunches of Oats
- Honey Smacks
- Cocoa Pebbles
- Froot Loops
- Frosted Mini Wheats
- Fruity Pebbles
- Lucky Charms
- Cracklin’ Oat Bran
- Honey Nut Cheerios
- Cinnamon Toast Crunch
- Reese’s Puffs
- Cap’n Crunch
- Golden Grahams
So who won? Vote now, so the loser may be heckled into breakfast retirement.
Who won this very important breakfast cereal draft?
This poll is closed
Harry: Honey Bunches of Oats, Cheerios, Honey Smacks
Hector: Cocoa Pebbles, Froot Loops, Frosted Mini-Wheats
Christian: Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, Cracklin’ Oat Bran
James: Honey Nut Cheerios, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Reese’s Puffs
Eric: Cap’n Crunch, Golden Grahams, Honeycomb