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I can’t stop watching clips of the disturbing Papa John interview

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Papa John’s interview is haunting, and I’m addicted.

Browsing Twitter on Monday night, I was confronted by a truly cursed video.

“Papa John” Schnatter, bearing a striking resemblance to a neglected leather-bound tome of racist anecdotes, gave a “tell-all” interview to WDRB in Louisville in which he didn’t really tell much of anything outside of sharing with the world he’s eaten 40 pizzas in the last 30 days, all while slowly morphing into a real-life version of Pizza the Hut.

The ousted CEO of the pizza giant slammed the quality of Papa John’s pizza, claiming “it’s not the same pizza,” while still acknowledging he consumed enough of it to feed an entire Little League team eight times over.

Yet somehow none of this disturbs me as much as the reality that Schnatter, who now looks like every pizza meat joined together in a garlic-butter-slathered orgy that gave birth to a human face, is still wearing red button-up shirts despite being kicked out of a leadership role at the company he helmed. I totally understand the theory of “dressing for the job you want,” but this is some Stockholm Syndrome dress code I simply can’t support. There are really only three people who should wear bright red button-ups on the regular: valedictorians at clown college, failed ska musicians who busk in subway stations for change, and wealthy industrialists infected with a curse that indentures them to become the next Santa Claus.

Then there’s Schnatter’s maniacal cackle that seemingly promises revenge on the pizza world for the miscarriage of justice that got him kicked out of the company. It’s as if the Joker traded in stand-up for low-quality marinara and a dipping sauce that provides an 85 percent chance of diarrhea along with its crust-soaking flavor boost.

The worst part of this entire interview is I can’t stop watching it. Seriously. Every time I check Twitter someone is talking about the Papa John clips, and then I watch them again. That’s why I’m posting them here on the internet. It’s my hope this plague can be passed off like the VHS tape in The Ring and I can be freed from this prison of my own design.

Help me.