Millions of NBA fans are waking up on Wednesday morning crushed that their favorite team lost out on Zion Williamson, but nobody is bound to feel worse than this Knicks fan who got a Zion Knicks tattoo shortly before the draft lottery began.
She’s getting a Zion Knicks tattoo already pic.twitter.com/bNukkNlnNe
— Master (@MasterTes) May 15, 2019
On the one hand you’ve got to give props for the unwavering belief that everything was going to go in the Knicks’ favor. On the other hand it’s ridiculous to believe anything was going to go in the Knicks’ favor. But hey, at least you have a constant reminder of your bad decisions on the night of the NBA Draft lottery.
Inside this one tattoo is a life lesson. A blueprint, if you will, on how and when you should get a sports tattoo. Let this ankle tat be your north star as it guides you to a life free of disappointment. All you need to do is follow these simply rules.
Should you get a sports tattoo?
- Is the tattoo based on something that hasn’t happened yet?
- Will people laugh at you if it doesn’t play out how you planned?
- Do you plan to play it off as “fun” if things go poorly?
- Is it based on a 14 percent chance a lottery ball will land precisely how you hope in an institution already rife with conspiracy and doubt regarding its validity?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions then ...
DO NOT GET A SPORTS TATTOO.
But James, I’d really like to get a tattoo ... what should I get instead?
I am no expert on the tattoo arts. I currently have no tattoos. This is partly because I’m not cool enough. Partly because I don’t like needles, and mostly because I can’t think of anything I like enough to get a tattoo of and be happy with it years in the future.
That said, here are some alternate tattoo ideas.
- A duck eating a pepperoni Hot Pocket with a speech bubble that says “What’s up, doc?”
- A 20-sided dice that says “This is how I roll.”
- Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony doing a 900 on a skateboard halfpipe with the words “X GAMES 2002” under it.
- 10 sunny side up eggs on a flat top grill, with a side of bacon and grits next to the Bill of Rights.
- The entire track list from Crazy Town’s 1999 album The Gift of Game.
- Donald Duck dabbing, but he has a blunt in one hand.
- The old man from the Six Flags ad doing the dance to that ripoff Vengaboys song.
- An extremely detailed portrait of Bea Arthur with the text “My other grandma is a GOLDEN GIRL.”
These are all acceptable replacements. Please use them well.
Anyway, sorry to this Knicks fans who got a tattoo based on the team’s 14 percent chance to land Williamson before getting blitzed by the Pelicans, who waltzed in with 6 percent and out with pick that will likely lead to a league-defining player and superstar for a decade. At least New York sports fans have Daniel Jones to look forward to when the Giants hit the field in the fall.