The 14 best names of the NHL Draft

I don’t know what it is about hockey names, but they’re always special. The 2017 WHL Draft was a sight to behold, and now it’s time to apply the same sweet science to the 2019 NHL Draft class.

No. 1: Kaapo Kakko

There’s a lot of reasons to love Kaapo Kakko. Chances are the Rangers’ forward is going to be a star, and this means we’re going to hear his glorious name a lot over the next decade. Personally, I’m looking for him to do a series of national insurance commercials. Who could resist Kaapo Kakko and the Geico Gecko palling around?

No. 2: Anttoni Honka

ANTTONI HONKA. This is a “business in the front, party in the back” kind of name. When you hear “Anttoni” you assume this is going to be followed by something like “Sinclair IV,” or “DeBeaumarche” — not Honka.

No. 3: Peyton Krebs

I’m a sucker for young people with old person names, and NOTHING is older sounding in this class than “Peyton Krebs.” Peyton Krebs is not the name of an 18-year-old phenom heading to Las Vegas, it’s that of a lonely recluse who collects cans to fund his HAM radio hobby.

No. 4: Mads Sogaard

This name is just awesome. It has a tinge of radical 80s to it, while also reminding me of Mads Mikellsen. As an aside, Finnish names are just all so dope. I love them all so much and they are legitimately perfect.

No. 5: Daniil Misyul

What did Drogon say to John Snow before flying away? Dani’l miss yul.

Sorry.

No. 6: Brayden Tracey

This is a hockey-ass hockey name and it’s beautiful.

No. 7: Nils Hoglander

In New York City, a battle between immortals is happening, away from the watchful eye of the police. There can only be one Hoglander, and the fate of the future of swine is at stake.

No. 8: Hunter Skinner

I like it when your first name is an action that naturally leads into your second name. That’s an economy of language I can get behind.

No. 9: Elmer Soderblom

Like Peyton Krebs, I’m obsessed with knowing the story behind how parents name their baby “Elmer” in 2001. Was it Fudd inspired? Glue inspired? Did they just like the name? I need to know more. This is everything I desire to know in this world.

No. 10: Philip Broberg

Not many people know, but Broberg is a European city foundered entirely by frat boys in 2005. Now, each year, Natty Ice-loving college students make a pilgrimage to Broberg to kiss the feet of “Le Grande Bro,” a life-size statue of Rob Gronkowski.

No. 11: Albin Grewe

“Huh, Albrin looks really different. Did he get a haircut?”
“Nah, Albrin grew.”

No. 12: Roddy Ross

If Rowdy Roddy Piper and Rick Ross had a child and they could play hockey we’d get Roddy Ross. I hope he celebrated everything just by screaming his name as loud as he can, and hearing “RODDY ROSS!” echo through hockey arenas around the country.

No. 13: Martin Has

Have you been to the Czech Republic? Martin has.

No. 14: Gianni Fairbrother

Not to be confused with his kin, Gianni Evilbrother.