Kyrie Irving, Nike, and Nickelodeon teamed up to release a line of the point guard’s signature sneakers based on the greatest cartoon of all-time, SpongeBob SquarePants (a show we don’t take lightly around these parts).
There are five pairs of the sneakers, each with a color scheme representing one of the show’s five main characters: SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Squidward Tentacles, Sandy Cheeks, and Mr. Krabs:
They’re cool and all, but also made me curious as to what characters in the show could make up the best starting five on an actual basketball team.
So let’s draw up some brief scouting reports, and put together Bikini Bottom’s squad.
Strengths: SpongeBob has Steph Curry-esque star power, which will put butts in the seats. Even I, as a 27-year-old, still geek out over our square yellow boi. He also has great energy, which boosts team morale. His is also a master of preparation.
Weaknesses: He may not be able to pick up a basketball, and can be annoying to those around him.
Strengths: Patrick has a pulse.
OK, I won’t be that cold. Patrick is also very meme-able, and you gotta have one of these guys on your team nowadays. I’d argue that Savage Patrick has been the best meme to come from this TV show.
me giving your tweet a like instead of a retweet pic.twitter.com/aBujfFRipE— Harry Lyles Jr. (@harrylylesjr) March 3, 2018
Weaknesses: He’s not very smart!
Strengths: Squidward has good length, and four legs for added versatility that would come in handy on a basketball court. He also has experience in leading groups together to great success.
Weaknesses: He has a terrible attitude, and has proven himself not to be a good team player on far too many occasions, particularly at the Krusty Krab.
Strengths: Mr. Krabs has big meaty claws like Kawhi Leonard, and quick feet.
Weaknesses: He’s too worried about his money to be good at basketball, and is a serial pocket watcher.
Strengths: Plankton has a creative mind, and is an evil little genius.
Weaknesses: He’s very small, and hasn’t shown the ability to lead a successful establishment. Plankton is also always worried about what other people have, like the Krabby Patty secret formula (the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it, champ).
Strengths: She’s a computer, and knows everything, so she probably has a great mind for the game.
Weaknesses: She’s a robot, though you could argue that these make for some of the best basketball players (see: Kawhi Leonard, Tim Duncan)
Strengths: Sandy is from Texas, which has produced players like Chris Bosh, Jimmy Butler, Trae Young, Grant Hill, and many other stars, so you have to hope something’s in the water down there. Being a mammal also helps.
Weaknesses: Hibernates for part of a season, which can be troublesome if that’s broken.
Strengths: Mrs. Puff is a great teacher. She’s had every one of her boating school students pass and get their license, except SpongeBob (some people you just can’t teach, though).
Weaknesses: Puffs like a pufferfish when faced with a stressful situation.
Strengths: Pearl has great size, and like real whales, has the biggest brain size of any species on Earth, so she’s super intelligent. She was also on her high school cheer squad, so she’s got athletic chops.
Weaknesses: She doesn’t like to be told what to do, so she might not be too coachable.
Gary the Snail
Strengths: Has a hard exterior ... because of his shell.
Weaknesses: He’s a snail, so he’s slow. He also doesn’t have hands, which is a problem. He’s been known to fail under great athletic stress. Though in fairness to Gary, SpongeBob kinda went all Todd Marinovich on him.
Larry the Lobster
Strengths: Easily the strongest being in Bikini Bottom, and is larger than most around him. Could have a Karl Malone type presence in the paint.
Weaknesses: He has the potential to be too aggressive, may get into foul trouble. Though he would certainly be a fit on a John Chaney squad.
Strengths: Super thicc.
Weaknesses: He has character issues off the court.
Strengths: Having another athlete named Fred never hurts.
Weaknesses: Injury concerns — his leg is always hurt.
Now that we’ve briefly scouted out our main characters, let’s get to the starting five.
PG — SpongeBob SquarePants: I’m just not going to leave him off the team. SpongeBob is our franchise player, regardless of actual skill.
SG — Sandy Cheeks: Squirrels are agile and she’ll be in her element (land). I also imagine her versatility will be improved, having had to live most of her days in that space suit.
SF — Mr. Krabs: Big. Meaty. Claws.
PF — Pearl Krabs: Give me the size, brains, and athleticism. She is our Zion Williamson.
C — Larry the Lobster: Give me the size and muscle, protect the paint, draw fear in the opposition.
Sixth man — Patrick Star: Because every good team needs a meme guy.
If you disagree with the lineup, or feel that other characters like Old Man Jenkins, Man Ray, Squilliam Fancyson, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, or others should have been included, @ me.