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Soccer player banned 5 years after biting opponent’s penis

[Eggplant emojji]

A red card RODRIGO BUENDIA/AFP via Getty Images

An amateur soccer player in France was banned from playing the game competitively for five years after biting an opposing player’s penis with so much force it required multiple stitches and a trip to this hospital.

The Soetrich player, who has not been named in the media, was involved in a post-match altercation against rival Terville when the on-pitch fight became much, much more in the parking lot. According to reports, the Soetrich player confronted one of his opponents in the parking lot, continued the fight — and then bit his penis. Really, really bit his penis.

The victim required 10 stitches, but league official Emmanuel Saling said that blame for the penis biting was “more or less shared,” which is an incredibly bold statement after someone bites someone else’s penis, but here we are.

Allegedly two players began fighting during the match, with a third (who ended up getting his penis bitten) trying to act as peacekeeper. The teams left the pitch, and things appeared to be over — then one of the fighting players found the peacekeeper in the parking lot, re-ignited the fight and bit him.

Not only was the biting player suspended five years, but the man who LITERALLY HAD HIS PENIS BITTEN was banned from playing for six months for his role in the altercation. It’s unclear at this time precisely what he did to garner the suspension, but Terville was fined €200 for failing to meet safety obligations as the home team, and allegedly not doing enough to break up the fight when it erupted mid-game.

Oddly enough, Sailing was still able to make jokes, even after the penis biting incident.

‘It’s quite rare to have sanctions of several years, there are less than 10 per year,’ Saling said. ‘The case was a bit saucy, but ... there must have been some nasty tension, so the smiles on the disciplinary committee quickly faded.’

Soccer is, and will forever be, the best sport in the world when it comes to weird drama and headlines.