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This basketball-dribbling tortoise is here to brighten your day

Sports are gone? Not if Hurricane has anything to say about it

Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of testudinidae; the sportsless cloud that marred our days to distant horizon driven. Bind its shell with victorious wreaths! our empty eyes enlivened with joyous play; our dull alarums changed to merry Tweetings; our dread isolation to widespread delight.

Sports are gone? Not if this little tortoise has anything to say about it. In normal times, perhaps, we might point out that the lack of any competition dampens Hurricane’s balling achievement. But March 2020 is no normal century, and during a pandemic we must grade on a curve. Is this sports? Fuck yes, it’s sports.

Aesthetics 10/10

When you haven’t seen a basketball in years, suddenly basketballs look juicier, plumper. Is it possible to look oranger? They look oranger. The vivid unreality of a ball during the Covid-19 era contrasts wonderfully with the dour plodding of Our Shelled Hero.

Also tortoises are cute.

Difficulty 10/10

In ancient Greece, apparently, pushing a ball around was considered so difficult that it was a plausible eternal torment for an irredeemable sinner. If you’d showed them this video, they’d have been shocked by the ease with which the tortoise unshackles himself from this Sisyphean task, and then they’d have deified you over the whole ‘phone’ thing.

Competitiveness 10/10

OK we’re grading on a curve here. Tortoise vs. sportslessness? 10/10.

Overall 30/30