It’s at least starting to feel like things are returning to normalcy, and with it we get to share our new skills with the world. Perhaps you learned how to bake bread? Tidy up like Marie Kondo? Become an expert photographer? Or, like this dude, you crafted the world’s most terrifying cocktail and are ready to unleash it on the world.
It takes precisely four seconds before you realize how bad an idea this is. All it takes is him putting a five gallon jug on the counter, grabbing three bottles of Everclear and I’m checked out of this one. I’ll leave it up to younger folks stronger livers than I.
Seriously though, let’s break this thing down:
- Three bottles of Everclear.
- Three bottles of vodka.
- Three bottles of tequila.
- Three bottles of rum.
- One can pineapple juice.
- One can orange juice.
- One bottle fruit punch.
- One pineapple.
- Two oranges.
- One pint of strawberries.
I’m not a mixologist, but I know when something scares me — and this scares the life out of me. Any time someone is making you a drink and casually says “there’s more liquor than mixer in this” it should be a warning sign that you’re not amongst friends.
This is really a public health warning. Someone out there is going to bring a random five gallon jug that looks like the fruity blood of Satan to a tailgate this fall when we’re all able to get back to enjoying sports, and you should be very afraid of it. This liquid is the literal blood of the devil himself, and if you’re going to put any of it to your lips be responsible, go slow, hydrate and beware.
It’s wicked impressive he managed to pour in that entire bottle of fruit punch without spilling a drop though, so bravo for the skills.