Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a busy, busy man. He’s one of the biggest movie stars in the world, an owner of the XFL (whatever that is anymore), and still finds the time to work out what I have to imagine is 22 hours a day to look like a human who could swallow a Greek god.
The Rock revealed Tuesday in an interview with Men’s Health that not only is he in the process of making another video game movie, but that he’s promising the moon too.
“I can’t tell you which game in particular we’re doing, but there will be an announcement this year. We’re going to bring one of the biggest, most badass games to the screen—one that I’ve played for years. I’m really excited to bring it to fans around the world. Of course we’re going to do right by our gamer friends—but really we’re just going to make a great movie.”
Naturally this has everyone curious. What game is he talking about? I have some ideas.
The obvious ones
Gears of War
We know a Gears movie has been in various stages of production limbo for over a decade, but this one just feels like it makes too much sense. Dave Bautista has been long linked to star as Marcus Fenix, making The Rock a natural fit to play Augustus “Cole Train” Cole, but would he be happy playing second fiddle to Bautista? Both are big stars at this point, and unquestionably the most successful of the “wrestlers turned movie stars,” but The Rock is the marquee name now.
Still, a modified story turning this into a buddy alien shooter could be a blast.
This straight-to-Netflix movie already has Jake Gylenhaal and Jessica Chastain attached, so it’s hard to imagine this would be the big announcement The Rock is talking about, but this feels likely as well. The Rock would round out a serious cast, and Skyscraper director Rawson Marshall Thurber is directing — so it feels right that he’d reunite with The Rock.
The possible ones
Nobody has mentioned this being optioned, but damn it feels like it makes sense, right? Duke himself is designed to be a parody of 80s action movie stars, and The Rock is the biggest action movie star on the planet.
I don’t think anyone cares about Duke’s flat top or his overall look, especially considering the casting here would be too perfect.
The potential for this movie somehow still exists. Nobody knows what in the hell an Asteroids movie would look like considering the pioneering game had basically no plot — but if there’s one thing we know The Rock enjoys more than working out, it’s money.
Everyone laughed when this was revealed in in 2009 then talked about again in 2015, but the option still exists. If they can turn Battleship into a movie, well, they could make something resembling a feature length film about this.
I’m not sure what the hell a Far Cry movie looks like, but I know I’d watch it. This game’s a framework. Just drop a dude in the middle of country under despotic rule and watch as the protagonist tears shit up, helps the rebels, and basically causes chaos.
There’s nothing super inventive here, and that’s fine.
Call of Duty
A movie based on Call of Duty has been in the works for a while, and was put on ice back in 2020. This feels all up in the air with Activision’s pending sale to Microsoft, but splashing by finalizing the deal with one of the biggest franchises of all time becoming a movie with The Rock attached would be a hell of a move.
It seems they want to go uber serious with a Call of Duty movie and tell a biting, realistic solider story. I don’t know if I need to see The Rock in that — but maybe I do?
Movies only possible in my fanfics
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
There is no way in hell Rockstar would make this, but damn do I want to see The Rock in an 80s Miami-based action movie with the game’s humor would be great.
No, I don’t want to hear how this is just Miami Vice, I don’t care.
Super Wario World
I know we’re getting a Mario movie and it actually sounds okay, but I need a big, buff, sexy Wario of my dreams. Deal with it.
Just two Rocks with a giant ball bouncing between them for two hours straight. Would watch.
Mutant League Football
Not only would I watch this movie, but I would buy the ticket in advance, pre-order the Blu Ray (despite having a strong commitment to ditching physical media) and wrap myself in the poster at night for warmth.
I have a very specific desire here. I want to see The Rock run around, dressed like Sora, with Donald and Goofy as his friends. I need the hair, the look, everything. I need to see him stab Ursula with a keyblade.
I want this to be a gritty, David Lynch-esque look at the psychosexual desires of the patrons of a dive bar. An ensemble cast, led by The Rock, examines societies excesses as he serves and endless appetite by the clientele for more alcohol, and a sympathetic ear to hear their stories in a world so often quiet to their needs.
A simple bartender trying to get through his shift while Dame Judi Dench solicits him for bathroom sex, an international drug trafficker played by Topher Grace looks for a new mule, and Rob Schneider with a bear attached to his testicles asks Dwayne, their local barman for assistance in a world turned upside down.
From Fox Searchlight Pictures, sometimes the best beer, is a glass best served cold. Tapper, coming 2023.