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THE CHESS CHEATING SCANDAL HAS REACHED THE POINT OF BUTT SCANNING

THEY SCANNED HIS BUTT!

I cannot even believe what I am about to discuss, but Hans Moke Niemann, the 19-year-old chess player at the center of the game’s biggest scandal had his butt scanned before the U.S. Chess Championships.

I am absolutely beside myself. This totally sent me. So, if you’re not aware of this whole hullaballoo let me give you the Cliff’s Notes:

  1. Niemann beat the world No. 1 player Mangus Carlsen without breaking a sweat
  2. Carlsen claimed Niemann cheated
  3. Evidence has shown he’s cheated numerous times in recent years while playing online, but it’s been difficult to determine how he could have cheated in live, in-person games
  4. The internet started to investigate how he could cheat, and it was determined he may have been using a chess AI to feed him moves via vibration
  5. It was suggested Niemann may have been receiving a signal through vibrating anal beads
  6. Now the U.S. Chess Championships just scanned his butt for a signal

I don’t even know how to fathom all this. I can’t even process the decision behind “let’s use a frequency scanner to check a player’s rear end.” I mean, I get it, I just want to be a fly on the wall where a bunch of old-school chess masters were discussing scanning a player’s anus for a microcontroller hidden in anal beads.

At this time we don’t know if the butt set off a beep. It seems someone would have sent up an alert if the butt set off the scanner, but it looks like the rectum was clean. THE RECTUM WAS CLEAN FOLKS!

Obviously we’ll continue to monitor this critical story as it unfolds.