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Which 2022 Kentucky Derby horse has the dumbest name?

CYBERKNIFE!

Kentucky Derby Previews Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

The Kentucky Derby means many different things to people. For some, it might be the only time of year they bet on a horse race. For others, it’s an excuse to visit Kentucky and make a weekend of it. For me it’s all about two things: Drinking bourbon, and laughing at horse names.

Since we can’t drink bourbon together in an internet text-based medium, let’s instead dive in and rank the best (aka stupidest) horse names from the field this year.

No. 1: Cyberknife (20-1)

I don’t know what a “cyberknife” is, but I’m fairly certain it’s something Elon Musk will debut in the next three years. I like to imagine it’s some kind of technology augmented hunting knife that will cauterize a wound while cutting someone, but more than likely be used to do coke off in the restroom of a Brooklyn gastropub.

No. 2: Classic Causeway (30-1)

I’m so sick of all these modern causeways with their new construction techniques and safety measures. I miss when we used to build classic causeways, with our hands, that would flood and cause huge motoring delays.

No. 3: Tiz The Bomb (30-1)

How do you do, fellow kids?

No. 4: Summer is Tomorrow (30-1)

This horse scares me. If you spend time under its equine spell you are locked in a perpetual endless spring. “When will it be summer?” You ask, beach bag packed and vacation plans made — but it just never comes, because summer is tomorrow, always.

No. 5: Pioneer of Medina (30-1)

This is how you give a horse a complex. Medina, a city in Saudi Arabia, loosely translates to “The Enlightened City,” in a religious context. So, if you’re the pioneer of religious enlightenment then you’re God. This horse is literally being called God — still only 30-1 to win.

No. 6: Smile Happy (20-1)

This horse was so much better than its brother, Frown Sad, who died penniless and alone.

No. 7: Happy Jack (30-1)

This is extremely presumptuous, and dare I say, likely a lie. I’m sure Jack would be much happier if he got to frolic the prairies instead of running around a dirty track with a tiny man on his back.

No. 8: Tawny Port (30-1)

Completely unnecessary. Who needs tawny port when you have bourbon?

No. 9: Barber Road (30-1)

Most people don’t know that in the early 1800s a group of barbers banded together in Boston to overthrow the local constabulary. That’s a lie, but you wouldn’t be surprised if it was real ... right?

No. 10: Charge It (20-1)

It’s your phone, speaking to you.


As for the rest of this list, I don’t think there’s anything really funny. Your mileage may vary though, so if you have a strong argument for any of these leftover horses, please let me know.

  • Mo Donegal
  • Epicenter
  • Messier
  • Crown Pride
  • Zandon
  • Taiba
  • Simplification
  • White Abarrio
  • Zozos
  • Ethereal Road