LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: Ummm ... I'm sorry, one moment.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: No worries! Just order whenever you're ready.

LACRECIA: Thank you.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: Okay, so if I get ... I'm sorry, I'm taking up all your time.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: No, it's fine! There's no one behind you.

LACRECIA: Okay, okay, cool. So it looks like the burger comes with pickles, but the chicken sandwich doesn't. And I want pickles, but y'alls' burgers are kinda bad.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: Oh yeah, our burgers are fucking terrible.

LACRECIA: [laughter] Right? And what I never got is, why are y'all called Burger King if the burger is the worst thing on the menu?

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: [laughter] That's a real good question! Real good question.

LACRECIA: Because, like, your fries are really good! And I like your chicken sandwiches, and you've got the best breakfast sandwiches besides probably Sonic. And the thing is, the rest of the burger besides the actual patty itself is good!

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: Yeah, you know what I do is, on my lunch break, I'll just make a burger with everything except the patty. So it's really just basically a veggie sandwich with pickles, tomatoes, lettuce, ketchup and mayo. And it's good!

LACRECIA: Ha, and I bet you get that for free! And even though the patty's free you're like "uh, no."

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: Yeah, no! Yeah, I don't fuck with the patty.

LACRECIA: I want to know, what executive at Burger King looked at, you know those little pads you stick under table legs so it won't scratch the floor? Who saw one of those and was like, "I wanna eat that."

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: [laughter]

LACRECIA: It doesn't taste like anything. And it's like it's not even a color. Burger meat's supposed to be brown, that shit is grey. I don't want to eat any shit that looks like dish water. Honestly, if you just handed me one of y'alls' burger patties, it wouldn't occur to me to even eat it. I'd turn around and start washing the dishes with it.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: [laughter] Stop! Oh my God.

LACRECIA: Like hold on, lemme borrow this and go scrub the mold off the hull of my fuckin' boat.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: [laughter]

LACRECIA: 15,000 fuckin' years and you can't even make the thing you named yourself after? Like, don't get me wrong, I am no chef, I'm on the road all the time, I haven't made myself a home-cooked meal in years. But I could at least make a burger that doesn't have its own fuckin' boogers stuck to it.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: The goop! Yeah, I call it the goop. You're talking about the little crater things on all the patties, right?

LACRECIA: YEAH! You made ground beef that made its own snot! My Lord. It's too much. And I'm gonna eat that?

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: It's bad. It's bad, I know.

LACRECIA: I'm sorry, you're probably like, "who is this lady goin' on and on in my drive-thru line?"

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: No, it's okay! Trust me, trust me, this is the highlight of my day.

LACRECIA: Okay, so. Lunch. Uh. Can I get the ... number 7 combo with the grilled chicken sandwich, but can you put pickles on it? And instead of a Coke, just a water.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: Can do. Anything else?

LACRECIA: No, that's all for me.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: Want any money?

LACRECIA: Uhhhh, yeah actually, that'd be good. Can I get 20 dollars from you?

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: Can do. Your total's $7.73. So minus the $20, I'll have $12.27 for you.

LACRECIA: Oh, you know what? I don't really wanna carry all that change. I'll just have $27.73, please.

BURGER SPECIALIST intercom: Sure! So minus the total, I'll have an even $20 bill for you. Just pull around to the second window.

LACRECIA: Thank you!

BURGER SPECIALIST: .

BURGER SPECIALIST: .

BURGER SPECIALIST: .

BURGER SPECIALIST: .

BURGER SPECIALIST: Okay, so here is your $20 ...

LACRECIA: Thanks. You sure?

BURGER SPECIALIST: Oh yeah. We've got a couple hundred bucks in the drawer, we're good. And here's your sandwich and fries, uh ... ketchup's in the bag ...

BURGER SPECIALIST: ... Hey, you're uh, um, um.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Oh God, I know you.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Uh, Evans! Evans, right?

BURGER SPECIALIST: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: That's me.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Damn, you're famous! I was just talking to you for like five minutes and I didn't even know it!

LACRECIA: Nahhh, I'm nobody. I'm nobody.

BURGER SPECIALIST: So are you, like, playing right now?

LACRECIA: Technically, yeah. I still gotta eat though, you know?

BURGER SPECIALIST: Sure, I guess so.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Seems like this would be kind of a weird place to post up in a 500 game. Don't most of those balls fall closer to the middle of the country?

LACRECIA: They do ... I don't know. I'm trying something different.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Ha, I guess you kinda have to, right?

LACRECIA: [laughter] You know what? I do. I really, really do.

BURGER SPECIALIST: I'm sorry, that was kinda shitty.

LACRECIA: Don't be! Don't be sorry.

LACRECIA: .

BURGER SPECIALIST: .

BURGER SPECIALIST: Can I ask you something?

LACRECIA: You can ask me anything you want. Trust me, you're not gonna hurt my feelings.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Ha, okay. Why, uh

BURGER SPECIALIST: Why do you keep trying? You haven't scored a single point in like 10,000 years, right?

LACRECIA: The short answer is that it's something to do.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Well, I guess if

LACRECIA: The longer answer starts like this: I feel really lucky that it's taking this long. Like, you ever heard the joke? "If you could get dressed up for your own funeral, how would you dress?"

BURGER SPECIALIST: I don't know.

LACRECIA: Very slowly.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Okay. Ohhhhkay.

LACRECIA: No, but it is kind of like that! It is like that to me. Oh, you got a straw?

BURGER SPECIALIST: Oh! Sure.

LACRECIA: If this sounds scripted, it's 'cause it is. I'm not usually this together. I've just had this conversation more times than I can count.

LACRECIA: A long, long time ago, I realized something about myself. I always have to have some kind of goal to work toward. It doesn't matter how stupid or trivial it is, there just has to be a well-defined objective with a clear delineation between success and failure.

LACRECIA: It's a fucked-up thing about me. I wish I wasn't this way, to be honest with you. It'd make living forever a lot easier.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Yeah! Yeah, objective syndrome, I think is what it's called, right?

LACRECIA: Mhmm. I try to manage it as well as I can. I try to talk to my sister a lot. We're total opposites. You know what she does every day? She wakes up, walks around the block, gets breakfast, takes care of her garden, works out, volunteers at the law firm for a few hours. Then she'll spend hours cooking dinner. Like she'll make consommé or something, something that just takes forever. Then she watches a couple episodes of Law & Order, drinks a glass of wine, goes to bed.

LACRECIA: Every day. Every day's the exact same. She's done the same thing for 5,000 years straight.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Wow. Law & Order's good for that, though, at least.

LACRECIA: I know! I know. There's like 400 episodes of it.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Yeah, I read something about that. How there's so much of it that as long as you don't really try to memorize the episodes, it takes so long to watch each one that by the time you start over, you're not gonna remember how each one went.

LACRECIA: Right, yeah, the trick is to watch them out of order, so you can't really place yourself in the show's timeline.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Law & Out of Order!

LACRECIA: Law & Out of Order! Shit ... yeah, but so anyways, my sister just does the same thing every single day. It's some kind of zen shit she's figured out or something. She's like, "it keeps me level, it's all I need."

LACRECIA: But I just can't do it, though. If I wake up without some big dragon to go and kill, I get like ... I get scared. Like I'm getting buried alive or something.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Man.

LACRECIA: And the thing is, I do that while completely knowing that this game is dumb. I could wake up tomorrow and catch a ball worth 500 points. So okay, and? And then what? Maybe I get in the Hall of Fame and I get on TV. And then what after that?

LACRECIA: But it's like, on some level, I still have to grab on to that. I still have to have a mission, any mission. The harder, the better. And that's why I count myself lucky that it's turning out to be so hard.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

BURGER SPECIALIST: .

BURGER SPECIALIST: So do you even want to catch the ball?

LACRECIA: I do and I don't ... clearly. I do and I don't. I mean, I don't want this to end. But also, if I'm not actually trying my best to get one, the entire house of cards I built for myself just kinda blows over, doesn't it? I gotta wake up every day, stake out some land, keep maintaining this ... I don't know, work of fiction I'm

BURGER SPECIALIST: I think your phone's ringing?

LACRECIA: Oh. Yeah ... it's my coach.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Well, I can leave you alone if

LACRECIA: I'm not worried about it. I guarantee it's about the publisher ... she keeps wanting me to write a book. All she talks about.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Ah. So she's more of like an agent, I guess?

LACRECIA: Little bit, yeah.

BURGER SPECIALIST: That's really exciting!

LACRECIA: What, a book? Nah ... that's really nice of you to say.

BURGER SPECIALIST: Aw, you should write one! I'd read it.

LACRECIA: Nah, they're too long. It's basically asking someone to pay 15 bucks to be on the other side of a one-sided conversation that goes on for days. You've got to be a total asshole to want to write a

TRACEY: CRECIA! PICK UP! GOD DAMN IT, CALL ME BACK!

LACRECIA: Ah shit. Okay. I'd better get this and hit the road ... listen, it was really nice to meet you!

BURGER SPECIALIST: You too! When your book's out, you gonna send me a copy?

LACRECIA: Ha, yeah, okay. In about a million years.

BURGER SPECIALIST: I'll be here!

LACRECIA: I'm sure you will.

LACRECIA: I'm sure ... you ... will ...

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: alright ...

LACRECIA: Dial Tracey.

BLUETOOTH: LACROTA'S. FORD. FOCUS.

BLUETOOTH: Is not connected to any. Devices.

LACRECIA: ah shit

BLUETOOTH: To sync via Bluetooth, Enter the. Preferences menu on your device, and

LACRECIA: ok

BLUETOOTH: select LACROTA'S. FORD. FOCUS.

LACRECIA: ok girl jesus christ

BLUETOOTH: Ready to pair.

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: Connected to. LACROTA'S. PHONE.

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: .

LACRECIA: Dial Tracey.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: Dial. Tracey.

BLUETOOTH: LACROTA'S. PHONE. Disconnected.

BLUETOOTH: Connected to. LACROTA'S. PHONE.

BLUETOOTH: LACROTA'S.

LACRECIA: piece of SHIT

BLUETOOTH: PHONE. Disconnected.

BLUETOOTH: LACROTA'S. FORD. FOCUS.

BLUETOOTH: Is not connected to any. Devices.

BLUETOOTH: Ready to pair.

BLUETOOTH: To sync via Bluetooth, Enter the.

LACRECIA: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuUUUGHHHH

BLUETOOTH: Preferences menu on your device, and select LACROTA'S. FORD. FOCUS.

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: .

BLUETOOTH: Connected to. LACROTA'S. PHONE.

LACRECIA: Dial Tra

BLUETOOTH: LACROTA'S. PHONE. Disconnected.

LACRECIA: FUCK

BLUETOOTH: Connected to. LACROTA'S. PHONE.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: Dial Tracey.

BLUETOOTH: Dialing. TRACKY.

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: Finally! Oh my God.

LACRECIA: Trace, listen, if this is about the book, I don't want

TRACEY: There's a ball incoming.

LACRECIA: Damn, I wasn't even looking at the cannon schedule. You know I'm Bay Area, right?

TRACEY: Yes. Where are you right now?

LACRECIA: Uh, I'm a little south of San Ramon, I was just about to get on the 580. Exit, uhhh ... 46.

TRACEY: Okay ...

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: Oh God! Crecia, you're like right on it. It's gonna land close.

LACRECIA: [sigh]

LACRECIA: All right, what's my success probability? I'm gonna need at least 5 percent to go chasing after it. I literally just stopped to get some lunch.

TRACEY: 99.98 percent.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: No.

TRACEY: Lacrecia.

TRACEY: Lacrecia, this is it.

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: Oh my God. Oh my God. Give me a route.

TRACEY: You said you're on the 580? Take that

LACRECIA: About to be.

TRACEY: Okay, take 580 east. You don't need to speed, don't speed.

LACRECIA: Okay.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: Tell me what you're looking at.

TRACEY: The ball should be making impact with the ground in about three minutes. It's hitting Livermore, can just about guarantee that.

TRACEY: The player nearest to you is in ...

TRACEY: San Jose. Oh God, you got daylight. He's like an hour away at the minimum. This one is all yours.

LACRECIA: Okay.

TRACEY: Now listen, there's a real good chance it's gonna hit a building. This model of football's about 200 pounds, so if it does, it's almost sure to crash straight through the roof.

TRACEY: This could land in someone's living room. And if it does, you know, that's private property. You're gonna have to ask nice if you want that ball. How many friends do you have in Livermore?

LACRECIA: Um, lemme check.

TRACEY: Don't, don't, don't. Don't look at your screen when you're driving, that's what I'm here for.

LACRECIA: All right! All right.

TRACEY: You've got ... about 18,000 friends in Livermore. Is that right?

LACRECIA: Yeah, but I haven't talked to a lot of them in like a long time. Like a thousand years.

TRACEY: Should be fine. You're a celebrity, you know? You should be okay. Plus, city drops are so rare ... I bet a lot of them'll just be happy to be a part of it.

LACRECIA: Ah shit.

TRACEY: What?

LACRECIA: Ah shit ... I've got cops on me.

TRACEY: Were you speeding?

LACRECIA: I don't know! I don't think so!

TRACEY: I'm checking it out. Hold tight.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: What the ... fuck? Trace, there's like 12 cop cars. I can't get over! They won't let me

TRACEY: Oh shit. It's a motorcade.

LACRECIA: Oh that's just my luck, of course the President or some shit like that is here. If I get stuck in this shit and it costs me the ball, I'm gonna

TRACEY: No! No, Crecia. They're here for you.

TRACEY: This is your motorcade. They called it for you.

TRACEY: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: Me?

TRACEY: Girl, you are all over the news. I, uh ... they're like, you're breaking news. I'm going through the channels now. You're on NBC, looks like they're showing some interview you did.

TRACEY: Oh, this is some old footage of you, though. Jesus, you're wearing a pantsuit. This is from at least like 12000. [laughter] What the fuck are you doing wearing a pantsuit?

TRACEY: Lacrecia?

TRACEY: Lacrecia.

LACRECIA: It's ending.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: This is ending, the ... it's over.

TRACEY: Well, not yet it ain't. Looks like they just upped your success probability to 99.9 percent, but that ain't 100.

TRACEY: We do need to talk strategy as long as we have a couple minutes, though. I think in the future, we need to stake out peninsulas like this one. Because I mean, look. This is low-value real estate. Nobody else wanted to be here because it's at the edge of the target area, surrounded by water. So yeah, it's garbage land, but you've got it almost all to yourself. There's like 17,000 people in this game, and right now you're one of only three in the entire peninsula. Three!

TRACEY: More I think about it, the more I think this is just the start. This is just the start. We've got a strategy now. We know what we're doing now. I'm telling you, and I know this ball's only 188 points. But I'm telling you, you need to start thinking about what you wanna do when you're sitting up there in Alaska shootin' that cannon. What you wanna do, what kind of game you wanna create.

TRACEY: And plus, and before that, we've got to figure out a press tour. If you want to even do one. It's up to you. But I mean, shit, you're on basically every channel right now.

LACRECIA: Please be quiet.

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: How are you doing?

LACRECIA: I'm like shaking. My hands are like shaking.

LACRECIA:

TRACEY: Just drive steady. Drive steady. You're fine. This is what you've worked 10,000 years for, this moment you're in right now. Enjoy it! Just enjoy it.

LACRECIA: I'm trying to.

TRACEY: SHIT, okay. It hit, it hit, it hit. It's on the ground. Getting

LACRECIA: Gimme a route.

TRACEY: it now. Getting you a route, just a sec.

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: Where are you on 580?

LACRECIA: About to pass Exit 54.

TRACEY: Get off. Now now now.

LACRECIA:

LACRECIA:

LACRECIA: ... Okay.

TRACEY: Hang a right. You wanna find East and Loyola.

LACRECIA: Got it.

TRACEY: You got it?

LACRECIA: Yeah.

TRACEY: You're like two minutes away.

LACRECIA: God, look at these crowds.

TRACEY: I'm seeing it! One of the local stations has a chopper, I'm looking at you now.

TRACEY: Ohhhh hey I got good news! The ball hit a fire station. That's a public building! No rights to negotiate, nothing. You should be able to just walk right in there and drag it away. Just uh ...

LACRECIA: This is just silly. I don't deserve this.

TRACEY: ... huh, it's got some kind of landmark designation? I mean it's a fire station, I don't know why it has that. My maps are probably fucked up or something.

TRACEY: Anyway, it

LACRECIA: All these people are out here for little old me. Shit ...

TRACEY: looks like it hit the roof on the southeast corner of the building, crashed right through the roof. That took most of the wind out of it. It might be dug just a little bit into the concrete, but it won't be buried. Shouldn't have trouble getting to it. Just pull right up to the garage.

TRACEY: Oh my God, Lacrecia. This is really happening. This is really finally happening for us. No other player's within 20 miles of you. You got it! You got it.

LACRECIA: Okay. Okay, I think I'm allowing myself to be happy.

TRACEY: [laughing] There you go! There you go! God, I'm crying a little bit.

LACRECIA: I think I'm still in shock too much for that. I'm just happy I could drive straight.

LACRECIA: Okay, I'm about here ...

LACRECIA: ... what the Hell?

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

TRACEY: What?

LACRECIA: I just turned the corner. People are like running out of the fire station. Some of them are yelling, they're ... pissed off about something.

TRACEY: They're mad?

LACRECIA: Seems like it.

BYSTANDER ONE: IT'S BROKEN! IT'S BROKEN! IT'S GONE!

BYSTANDER TWO: It went right through the roof. Right just, went right through it.

BYSTANDER THREE: Oh my God. Oh my fucking God.

LACRECIA: Tracey, what are they talking about?

BYSTANDER THREE: That should have been impossible. It was protected. I thought they made it protected.

TRACEY: I'm looking ...

BYSTANDER TWO: Can they save it? Keep all the pieces together, maybe they can save it.

BYSTANDER THREE: There's nothing to save. Look for yourself. It's just ... gone. There's nothing left.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: .

TRACEY: Oh no.

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .

LACRECIA: .