Boston Evening Transcript

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A map of the partly-submerged USA. Atlanta, Georgia is highlighted
Georgia Tech’s football field.
Georgia State’s football field.

Radio: In these certain times, the people of Georgia don’t need much of anything from their public servants. My name is Joshua Alexander, and I’m running for state governor.

You know, I grew up on a farm outside of Dalton. And maybe it’s just my simple country upbringing, but I don’t believe much in politics. I don’t have a political platform of any kind. I have no agenda.

Leave it to a country boy like me to lay it out straight, I suppose: I want to be governor just to be governor. I can’t even explain to you where this impulse comes from. I possess the personal and political convictions of a boulder tumbling down the mountain. That is how I will govern.

I would be honored to have your vote in November. I’m Joshua Alexander, and I approve this message.

You’re listening to NEW-NEW-NEWWWWSTALK 680. Atlanta’s most trusted news source.

Manny: I think I might vote this time around.

Nick: For this guy? Alexander or whoever?

Manny: Oh, I don’t know. I just want the sticker they give you.

Nick: You can just buy the stickers online.

Manny: Oh well fuck it, I’ll just do that.

Radio: This is a public service announcement.

Hello, I’m Connor O’Malley, Georgia Tech quarterback.

Interviewee: And I’m Suzy Atchison, Georgia State quarterback.

Radio: You might think it’s a little funny that we’re on the same ad together. The Yellow Jackets and Panthers have found ourselves in quite a few dogfights over the years.

Interviewee: But you know, Connor, sometimes it’s important that we all work together.

Radio: That’s right, Suzy. Here in Georgia, Tech and State rely on our fans to stay vigilant. It’s no secret that football in this state is bigger than ever. Tech has several footballs ...

Interviewee: … and so does Georgia State. And if we’re gonna bring even more footballs home to Georgia, we’re gonna need to protect the footballs we’ve already got.

Radio: As a matter of policy, we hide our football in locations we keep confidential, and teams throughout the country are pulling out all the stops to find them.

Interviewee: And as a fan, that’s where you come in. If you see a player on the field you don’t recognize, call our tip line at (404) TECH-STATE-FANS.

Radio: Together, we can keep football alive and well in the state of Georgia. Help us protect the rock.

Two San Diego State players, located on the Georgia State field.

Nick: What’ve I been saying? Remember I said, when we saw the scoreboard beep last week, I was like, Tech got another football.

Manny: I mean, I’m not gonna try to talk you off it.

Nick: Yeah, and then now we got ‘em running ads telling people to be on the lookout. I’m puttin’ it at one week, man. Sometime about a week from now they’re gonna come right through here with a football. And we gotta be, we gotta sit right here when they do, looking right out this window.

Manny: Man … just don’t get all pissed off if nothing happens.

Nick: I know.

Manny: Yeah see, every time you’re like “I know,” and then fuckin’ nothin’ happens, and then I gotta spend the next month living in this apartment with you all pissed off like Oscar the Grouch.

You know? And I need us to be Bert and Bert.

Nick: Yep.

Manny: Fuck Ernie. You know? No Ernies on this fuckin’ team. I wanna eat.

Nick: I got you, Manny.

Alright man, it’s like one, I’m going to bed. You watch close, though.

Manny: Thought you said a week from now.

Nick: Yeah but I’m wrong fuckin’ constantly. Eyes north. ‘Night.

Manny: ‘Night.

Animation: camera swings north to reveal more of Georgia Tech’s field, running through downtown Atlanta.

Radio: NewsTalk 680 Atlanta, I’m Kay LaValliere. Coming up on 1 a.m. local time. At Hartsfield Airport, 77 degrees and clear skies.

A man is recovering at his Decatur home after being bored Tuesday. Police say Richard Diaz was waiting for his pickup order at an area Cracker Barrel when the battery on his phone died. Diaz spoke about the incident to NewsTalk 680.

Interviewee: I got to the Cracker Barrel a little early and they said it’d be a few minutes, so I played a game I got on my phone where you’re a waitress lady and you have to serve a bunch of pancakes before your customers get mad and leave. It’s kind of sarcastic when you think about it. Or ironic or whatever the word is for it.

So I was playing that but then my phone died, and then I remembered that I left my charger in my wife’s car so I couldn’t charge it. So I went in and asked them if my food was ready yet and they were waiting on a new batch of fries to come out of the fryer, but that they’d be extra hot and crispy when they were done. So I said, that’s all well and good but could I borrow a phone charger? But they said they didn’t have the right kind of charger for my phone.

So then I said, well, could I sit at one of y’alls’ tables and play one of the games y’all have on the tables? And they said the dining are was for dine-in customers only. So I said, well, can y’all bring one outside so I can just play it in my truck for a few minutes?

So they did, but they gave me the triangle peg game where you gotta make the pegs jump over each other and I’d already played that one a million times. I was hoping they’d give me the Towers of Hanoi game or one of them other games, but the peg game was all they had.

So I started to play it anyways.

The triangle peg-board game.

Interviewee: But pretty soon I just realized that I wasn’t even really trying to beat the game, I was just moving the pegs around in different holes. I wasn’t even following the rules really. That’s when I started to feel bored.

Radio: Diaz says that’s when he alerted restaurant employees, who dialed 911.

Interviewee: The police came pretty fast. One of them gave me a book about ants that was pretty cool. How they all work together to build their hills and stuff. Before I knew it, my fries were done so I went in and picked up my fries, and then I went home and my wife and me ate the fries that I got at the Cracker Barrel. They were really good. Some other places try to do all kinds of fancy things to their fries but Cracker Barrel just makes regular fries the way they ought to be made and my wife and me like ‘em a lot.

Nick: Manny?


Manny: Yep, what?

Nick: Could you turn that down in there?

Manny: Yeah I’ll just cut it off.

Nick: You don’t have to cut it off.

Manny: Nah I’m not really listening anyways.

Nick: Thanks. ‘Night.

Manny: ‘Night.

Radio: Cracker Barrel issued a statement offering condolences for Diaz, and promising to reevaluate its policies regarding dine-in seating for pick-up customers. Today, Diaz’s neighbors stopped by his home to leave flowers and notes of support at his mailbox. Diaz is expected to–bzzzZZZzzzZZt–

Wide shot of the fields of Georgia Tech and Georgia State.


Ten: <sigh>


Status report.

An illustration of Pioneer 10.



Ten: okay.


Nine, wake up.

Nine: hnnngh

Ten: Pioneer 9. This is your big sister. Wake up.

Nine: no you’re not

you’re my little sister

Ten: Okay. I’m gonna check on you in five minutes. You’d better be up.

Nine: mmmmph

Ten: Five minutes.

Nine: god okay

An illustration of Pioneer 9.

Manny: Oh! Before I go to bed. We still doing a food run tomorrow?

Nick: Yeah, I’m down. We gotta go over to the one in Kennesaw though.

Manny: We do?

Nick: Yeah, ‘cause remember? Last time I went to the Sandy Springs one, they remodeled their produce department. Most of the veggies aren’t on the field anymore.

Manny: Well what do they have again?

Nick: Well you know how the field cuts through the parking lot and then the front entrance, and then kinda goes diagonal through the left side of the store right? So they still have the little stands outside by the front doors with like tomatoes and everything, but once you go in, the produce isn’t on the left anymore. They moved it so it’s more in the middle, so you can’t reach most of it.

Manny: Well what do they have, though?

The Georgia Tech and Georgia State fields, running through north Atlanta.

Nick: If you’re lucky you can reach over the sideline to get a couple avocados. No chance at bananas though. The only stuff that’s actually on the field is the one little island cart thing. What do you call those things? Islands?

Manny: I don’t know, aisles?

Nick: Are you saying isles or aisles?

Manny: Aisles.

Nick: Spell it.

Manny: Aisles with an A.

Nick: Nah ‘cause the aisles are the empty space you walk through. The shelves and displays and stuff are what define the aisles, you know?

Manny: Just go to bed already.

Nick: Anyways. The only island thing that’s all the way on the field is the shitty fruit one. None of the good fruits, just plums and shit like that.

Manny: I kinda like plums.

Nick: Plums are trash. I’m not gonna spend the next month eating plums.

Manny: All right well, whatever. We’ll go to Kennesaw.

But not the fancy one. We gotta go to the one with the actual regular frozen pizzas. The only ones the fancy store has are called like Nature’s Valley or something and they’re like these tiny artichoke pizzas that cost like nine bucks. Fucking sucks. You can’t even get a Party Pizza.

What the fuck is a Nature’s Valley? It’s like yeah, every valley is a nature valley, dumbass.

Nick: Coach is gonna ask why you’re asleep at noon tomorrow and I’m gonna have to tell her you were up screaming about frozen pizzas to nobody.

Manny: Not to nobody. I’m talking to you.

Nick: Well I’m not listening anymore, so not really, no.

Manny: To be continued.

Nick: I’m sure.

Manny: ‘Night. Love you.

Nick: Love you.

Georgia Tech’s Bobby Dodd Stadium.






Juice: FUCK


An illustration of the JUpiter ICy moons Explorer (JUICE).

Ten: What spaghetti?

Juice: the pretend spaghetti i was pretending to enjoy while watching the football game

Ten: I don’t understand how one would spill spaghetti. Did you bother to imagine yourself a table?

Juice: no

Ten: So what, you were standing there holding a plate of spaghetti?

Juice: none of your business

would of buckled a fuckin seatbelt to eat my spaghetti if i knew you were gonna sneak up on me like that

Ten: Aww I missed you, J.

Juice: yeah you too lady

Ten: Jesus, I just looked at the date.

Juice: yeah you slept in!

Ten: I did. I needed it.

Juice: wheres Nine

Ten: Just woke them up. Should be on soon.

Juice: think they’ll be mad when they look at the calendar

Ten: Hope not. The two of us might have to have a talk about it, but I think Nine’ll be okay.

What are you watching?

Juice: the game

Ten: Which game?

Juice: THE game

listen this is a very confusing thing to just walk into in the middle of and i recognize that

Ten: This is … Atlanta I’m looking at?

Juice: yup

Ten: Okay, and who are these guys?

Juice: ok so here we got Nick and Manny right? Nick just went to bed, Manny’s staring out the window on lookout duty

they’re free safeties trying to make a play on the ball. they’ve been living in this condo for about 30 years. just watchin out the window, waitin for a ball carrier to come on through on the georgia tech field

Nick and Manny’s condo overlooking Georgia Tech’s field.

Juice: see because they have to stay on the field, right? if they step off the field for too long they get kicked out of the game for good. so they found a place near the top floor with some real good vantage points.

thing is though, life ain’t so easy on the field. only part of their condo building goes through the georgia state field nearby. lookit

A closeup of Nick and Manny’s building, which sits on Georgia State’s field.

Juice: their place is up in the northeast corner of the building, which is on the field. but they can’t use the elevator because that’s in the part of the building thats not on the field. they gotta use the emergency stairwell every time.

and i mean they can use one of those tennis courts you see there, but only the one on the left. that makes for some weird situations. sometimes they’ll go down there to play, and people will be playing on that one but the rest are free. so of course people are like, why do you wanna play on this one? why don’t you take one of the other ones.

now you and i and they know that they can’t use those other courts because they’re not on the field. but Nick and Manny are undercover. can’t let anyone know.

cant even use the community swimming pool either. sucks. guess that’s neither here nor there though

Ten: I’m sorry, so they can never leave the field? For anything?

Juice: i mean yeah they can do whatever they want, free country. but if they step off the field for too long they get kicked out of the game for life. some players actually do that too! they’re like “fuck this i’ve had enough of this stupid shit” and just leave

not Nick and Manny though. couple of special dudes right here. i gotta say i had my doubts about them at first. like can you imagine a married couple who can almost never leave their house? i’d lose it

Ten: They can leave their home, though, can’t they? The field looks like it goes a long way.

Juice: it does but i mean this is metro atlanta. here look i’ll draw this up for you

Bird’s-eye view of Georgia State’s field.

Juice: #1, that’s where Nick and Manny live. #2, you can see how the field sorta runs along a city street but only for a couple blocks. there’s a drugstore and a couple other shops where they can buy stuff but that’s about it. #3 is where it goes to hell. you gotta sneak through peoples’ yards and around their houses to get through. then you gotta cross the highway on foot without anyone thinking youre a weirdo

and i mean all of greater atlanta is like this. once you get to cobb county, roswell, those places, it’s nothing but curvy roads and houses you gotta find your way around. they gotta do a whole bunch of planning and timing to even go to the grocery store

Ten: I wish they would have let me redesign their city grid.

Juice: i know. you know how they are about that though

Ten: Still no movement on that?

Juice: nah. they like their little pig sty

Ten: I’ll never get that about them.

Anyways. This is a game between Georgia Tech and Georgia State?

Juice: i mean in a manner of speaking, yeah

Ten: How long has it been going on?

Juice: oh a looooong time

Ten: Is it … I mean, is it a good game?

Juice: well …

i mean that’s a pretty complicated question and i reckon you and me would answer it differently

Manny: Oh fuck.

No fucking way. Nick!

Juice: wait hold up

Ten: This is Manny, right?

Juice: yeah

look. out there. look look look

Manny: NICK! Get out here!

Nick: What?

Manny: Get out here! Look

Animation: A player runs across the highway on Georgia Tech’s field.

Ten: OK, what are we looking at?

Nick: Yeah I’m coming. Christ!

Juice: tech player, crossing I-85

Ten: Looks like she’s got the ball.

Juice: she has a ball, yes

Ten: “A ball.” There’s more than one football in this game?

Juice: yeah listen i’ll explain in a minute

Ten: We’ve seen them play so many multiball games. It’s just so hard to design a smart one.

Juice: man you picked a hell of a time to wake up. this is the craziest shit i’ve seen in months

Ten: You gotta fill me in. I still don’t really understand what I’m looking at.

Nick: Looks like she’s got a ball.

I fucking told you. What’d I fucking tell you?

Juice: hold up i will in a bit. promise

Manny: You said next week.

Nick: Close enough. Look, you stay here. I’m looking south through the bedroom window. Let me know everything you see.

Manny: Yep. Hey, your binoculars are on the uh, on the thing.

Nick: What thing?

Manny: The thing! The fuckin uh,

Nick: The dresser?

Manny: No, the ...

Nick: The what? Use your words! Couch? Coffee table? Dish drawer? End table?

Manny: The yeah, end table.

Nick: Thank you.

Manny: You wouldn’t even have to ask me if you put them in the same place every time.

Nick: Yeah okay.

Ten: Okay, I think that’s a little uncalled for. The one giving him a hard time is Nick, right?

Juice: yup

kind of an interesting relationship dynamic between these two. be honest with you, i’ve never seen a happier couple. they just get in their little things sometimes

i think honestly since they’ve got such a solid foundation to their relationship they actually have the time and energy left over to argue about the little things. and i mean remember, nick and manny have been sharing this apartment for 30 years and it is BY NO MEANS a big condo. to call it a two bedroom is generous. it’s really just one bedroom and a glorified little office room. i bet your husbands quirks stand out a lot more. the little things that irritate you get all that much more annoying after a while

Ten: Oh, and just one bathroom, too. That isn’t great.

Juice: can’t be, no

man i love football

Ten: I think every relationship has to have at least some of that, though. It’s like a … it’s kind of like a clutch in a transmission, right? It has to be rough so it has something it can actually grip onto. That friction is the only way anything changes.

Nick: She’s coming your way soon I think, Manny.

Juice: that analogy sucks

Ten: Oh come on, it’s not that bad.

Juice: eh it kinda sucks

Ten: Well I mean, that’s us right? That’s our relationship. I think a third of all my interaction with you is accounted for by arguing.

Juice: we ain’t married though lady

Ten: Ohhh ho ho. And thank God for that.

Manny: I see her. Got eyes on her, she is … off the interstate now.

The player continues to head south on Georgia Tech’s field.

Nick: Damn, she is moving too.

Manny: Who is it?

Nick: I dunno. Can’t really tell who it is from here. Gotta be a Tech player, though. For sure.

Ten: So just so I have everything straight … Nick and Manny are trying to get the football from Georgia Tech. And Georgia Tech doesn’t know they’re nearby.

Juice: yup

Ten: They’re right there, they outnumber her two to one. Why haven’t they left the house?

Juice: well, they’re pretty sure that there are more Tech players in the area

and they are right about that

see this is some top secret shit they’re lookin at. Tech has possession of lots of footballs. nine in fact.

Ten: Nine?

Nine: Hello.

Juice: nine!!!! heya

Ten: Hey sis!

Nine: What year is it?

Ten: We’ll talk about that. After the game, okay?

Nine: I don’t think that’s a discussion. I think you just say what year it is.

Manny: Wait, where’d she go?

Nick: Just behind those trees. Look.

Manny: Okay yeah.

Ten: J, there are nine footballs?

Juice: yeah Tech has nine footballs

and what you generally do, or at least what i’d do, is hide them all in different places. gotta diversify you know? if they’re all in one place someone can come along and take your whole shit at once

Tech isn’t doin what i would do though. they got way too cocky. every single one of them is riiiiight ...

Bobby Dodd Stadium and McCamish Pavilion.

Juice: … here. it’s on the Georgia Tech campus right between Bobby Dodd Stadium and the basketball arena

granted it really is a good place to store a football if you got one. both the stadium and the arena are pretty tough obstacles. i mean what are you supposed to do, run across a basketball court in the middle of a game? or break in after hours? they got security guards and shit

of course if you’re a good climber you can just climb over the damn thing, but think about that. you’re easily spotted so if you’re bothering, you better be pretty damn sure it’s worth it

and i think they’re about to find out that yes, it’s very worth it

Ten: I take it that nine footballs is a lot.

Juice: yup. took forever to get. WAY too many to risk puttin in one spot

Manny: Shit, she just went inside.

Nick: Yeah, the old sorority house, right?

Manny: Whatever one it is with the dormer windows.

Nick: What the fuck are dormer windows?

Manny: The little windows, the little dudes that stick out the attic.

Nine: Is that actually their hiding spot?

Juice: do y’all want me to spoil it

Ten: No.

Nine: Yeah.

Juice: yes it is

Ten: Damn it, I said no!

Juice: lol you haven’t even BEGUN to get mad at me. trust me on that

Ten: Uh oh.

Nick: Look, look, look. The lights just went on.

Juice: aw man they turned on the lights?

lol c’mon

Lights turn on inside a building on Georgia Tech’s campus.

Juice: i swear to god Georgia Tech has gotten so sloppy in recent years

Nick: God, they’re getting so sloppy.

Manny: They might be trying to fake us out.

Nick: Maybe.

Juice: ha what did i just say

Nine: Can they hear us or something?

Juice: nope. we’ve just all spent a lot of time scouting out this team and there’s no other conclusion to draw. this team has been winning so long that they’re not even executing fundamentals anymore

like if you have a safe house you do NOT flip on the lights in the middle of the night. i don’t care how safe you think you are. might as well set off firecrackers


Nick: I think we ought to start packing. We might need to make a play soon.

Jesus! We might actually be about to do this.

Manny: I mean ...

Nick: Who’s gonna feed Clancy?

Manny: Carol might.

Nick: Oh yeah. I can knock on her door tomorrow if we need.

Ten: Who’s Clancy?

Juice: their fish

Ten: Ah.

Juice: i bet having a fish is kinda nice you know

it’s over there doin its thing. you don’t have to do much, barely even have to think about it, but you always know it’s there

it’s what i imagine having a favorite baseball team would be like

Manny: She’s coming back out.

Nick: No, that’s someone else I think. Oh shit …

They’re all coming out.

Manny: They’re like all coming out!

I’m counting like six … eight.

Nick: No that’s like ten. Ten players?

Manny: What the fuck? What the fuck.

Juice: oh this is gonna be bad

this is gonna be baaaaaaaad

stupid fuckin team lol

Georgia Tech players begin to march north.

Nick: Get the map. ’Cause I think that might be everybody, man.

Manny: Yeah, hold up.

Nick: I think she was just making a dropoff. I don’t know if they’re even gonna guard it.

Ten: Where are they all going?

Juice: up north. to tennessee i bet

there’s an offense moving around up there with a ball and only a couple dozen players. tech already has about 20 defenders up there, they’re just sending these folks for reinforcements

Ten: So this is how you get a football. You go find an offense that’s advancing and line up against them.

Juice: yeah it works the same way as conventional football. four downs, ten yards for a first down, all that. Tech’s defense can get the ball if they force a turnover on downs, or a fumble, or an interception

this is way too aggressive though. they’ll be leaving the barn door open here, because now they have nobody defending their stash

Nine: And Nick and Manny are allowed to go down there and take the balls?

Juice: yep. they’re loose footballs

so listen, this is what they’re doing here. every team has 125 players, right? according to the old college football rules, you get 125 players

you don’t really have any way to know for sure where your opponent’s players are but you can make good guesses based on what you’ve seen, what your teammates have seen, what other people have seen, news stories, whatever

but if they can account for the location of all 125 players they can deduce there is fuckin NOBODY home

Manny: Okay, this is what we got.

Map and elevation profile of Georgia Tech’s field, stretching across the United States.

Manny: We know Tech has at least 20 players up in Tennessee, right around the 200,000 yard line.

Juice: eh they’re actually in north georgia but close enough

Manny: Then all across Kentucky they have 50, minimum. Coach said they have one confirmed group of 30 players near Lexington, and then another team of at least 20 in Danville.

Juice: more or less accurate, they got 25 near lexington and 25 more in danville

Manny: So that gets us to 70 players accounted for, minimum. Probably closer to 80.

Nick: Then there was the story from the Detroit paper.

Manny: What story?

Nick: I sent it to you.

Manny: You send me like 20 things a day.

Nick: Well, they were saying Tech has a bunch of little teams up in Michigan. They’re breaking up in groups of five and just like fanning out all over, they were reporting 40 in total.

Manny: You trust it?

Nick: It’s a good paper, yeah.


… shit, they said 40?

Nick: They said at least 40 for sure, maybe more.

Manny: That gets us to 125 easy.

Juice: there it is

they figured ‘em out

Above map and elevation profile, with notes detailing player locations.

Manny: Here, double check it for me. Look. The ten we just saw, plus 20, plus at least 30, plus at least 20, plus at least 40. That accounts for 120 guaranteed, minimum.

Nick: Yeah … yep.

Manny: I mean it’s not a guarantee.

Nick: No, yeah, I know.

Manny: We’ve been here since ‘91, Nick.

Juice: c’mon y’all see it

Manny: I mean this might be the only chance we ever get. I bet this is the only fuckin’ chance we ever get.

Nick: Fuck …

Juice: go go go this is your shot fellas

no time but the present

Nine: I thought the saying was “no time like the present.”

Juice: i know what i said

Nick: Okay, we gotta go.


Closeup of Bobby Dodd Stadium.

Manny: Okay.

Okay. I’ll leave a message with the HOA, let ‘em know we’re terminating the lease. Can you talk to Carol?

Nick: Hate to wake her up. We can just leave a message on the road.

Manny: All right, I’ll get our bags ready too.

Juice: see THIS is the shit i like to see

Ten: I still can’t tell what’s going on here. Can you give me some idea of how excited I’m supposed to be? Scale of 1 to 10.

Juice: well from strictly a gameplay perspective this isn’t the craziest thing that ever happened, but it is pretty major. Nick and Manny don’t even know how major it is yet. they think they’re about to get one football

they have no idea they’re about to get nine balls. that would be the biggest turnover in years

and typically when there’s a huge turnover like that, it’s because some legion of like 50 players bum-rushed an opponent

Nick: Yeah, yeah. Sleeping bags should be in there already. Water, trail mix, phones, charging blocks … your phone charged?

Manny: No, it’s at like 40 percent.

Nick: You gotta plug it in when you’re not using it!

Juice: god manny never charges his phone

Manny: It’s fine, it’s fine, it’ll be good in like an hour. We should leave in like …

… it’s 1:30 now. We should be out of the house by three. 3:30 latest. Can you make us some coffee?

Nick: Yeah hold on, hold on, let’s just sit and go over the play real quick.

Manny: Real quick, we gotta hurry.

Juice: anyways

for just two players to recover nine footballs is real crazy. so at the moment, if they just get these balls in the first place, i’d rate it at like a 7. you should calibrate your excitement to 7 out of 10

Ten: I’ll put it at 4 because I don’t trust your judgment.

Juice: i’ll take a 4

HOWEVER. getting the footballs is only the first step. there’s a long ass way to go. but if Nick and Manny can actually pull this whole thing off i’d put it at like a 9.5

basically an unprecedented event. if they can get nine footballs all the way home it’s gonna fuck up the entire nature of the game. the balance of power would change throughout college football

thats a big IF though. bein frank with you i don’t think they can do it

Ten: Can we stop now? Are we at a stopping point?

Juice: lemme see

Nick: Okay listen. Coach drew up some stuff for us but none of them accounted for Tech leaving an empty net. We don’t have to transfer to the Georgia State field … I think we stay on the Tech field.

Manny: You sure?

Juice: oh wow i’m becoming bored very quickly

Nick: Yeah because look, they’re all heading north. We can just scoop the ball and sneak behind them for a while, stay quiet. They’re not gonna know.

And you know what, I bet they’re goin’ all the way up to Tennessee, even Kentucky maybe. That’ll give us a lot of places to transfer as long as they don’t turn around.

Juice: BORED. good luck fellas smell ya later

Nick: Which I mean, they–bzzZzzzZZZZt

Nine: Will someone please tell me what year it is?

Ten: In just a minute, sis. That’s something we’ll talk about.

First, this game. Tell me everything. Teams, rules, scoring, all of it.

Juice: ok

lemme clean up my spaghetti i spilled when i was so rudely interrupted

Ten: Your pretend spaghetti.

Juice: yes

have you seen the broom

Ten: You don’t clean up spaghetti with a broom!

Nine: lol

Juice: well why the fuck not

Ten: You can’t clean up wet stuff with a broom! It’s gonna get all nasty.

You go over to Juice’s house and he’s just like vacuuming his front lawn

Juice is like “time to do the dishes!”

Goes to get his fucking rake

Nine: LOL

Juice: fuck this fuck y’all y’all wanna hear about this game or not

Ten: Yes. Finally.

Juice: ok

listen before i go into this i just wanna say

i didn’t design this game by myself. it’s not all my fault ok

Ten: You’re not exactly selling me.

Juice: well uh

welcome to college football saturday:

Juice: .i would like to speak on two things: football and lunchables pizza

first: football. what you’re about to see is the modern college game.

i helped design it

before we begin, do you promise not to get mad at me

Ten: .No.

Juice: .figured not

here’s georgia tech’s field. it’s 53 yards wide, as usual

but it’s a little bit longer

it goes over the wall, into the stands, through the concourse, and out into georgia tech’s campus. all this is part of the field as well

eventually it makes its way to atlanta’s centennial park

where it runs into the other field!

and this field belongs to ...

georgia state.

at the start of this  game, both of these teams have a football. the object of the game is to take the other team’s football.

these two schools do not like each other, and holy hell do they go at it

so what does it look like when both teams have a ball?

well, maybe this player hangs back to defend

or maybe she runs a post route past the trees so her QB can bomb it

strategically it’s very interesting

alternately, georgia tech might prefer to play it safe and stay home

or get aggressive and drive the ball through a damn office building

there are lots of options, because this field is very long

VERY  long.

it goes through buildings, rivers, forests, farms, you name it

oooooof a quarry. huge pain in the ass here

well hell. i wasn’t the one who built the stadium at that angle. go take it up with bobby dodd

anyways. this field won’t stop until it hits the ocean

but you know what i  realized this game needed?

a third team with a third field

here lemme get the lights

see, now we got a triangle. you can loop. a defense might be ahead of you ...

or it might be behind you. so that can be pretty interesting as well

now, THIS team comes from way up north

see, the reason purdue’s field can intersect is that their stadium isn’t perfectly north-south

why’d they build it that way in 1900 and whenever?

who cares. we got us a ballgame

these three fields are a combined 6,139,649 yards. that’s about 3500 miles

Nine: .Why’d you think we’d be mad? This seems kinda cool.

Ten: .I will say that I can’t quite  figure it out thematically. I get Georgia Tech vs. Georgia State, but what does Purdue have to do with anything?

Juice: .um

nothing really

Ten: .... oh no. 

.see i’ve uh

i’ve kinda been slow rollin y’all

Ten: . How many teams are in this game?

Spit it out. Just spit it out.

Juice: .in total?

there are 111


Juice: .111 teams. 111 footballs. 111 fields. this is a GIGANTIC football game

Ten: .What is wrong with you?

Juice: .i find it’s useful to remember that i’m  french

Ten: .How long have people been playing this fucking game?

Juice: .thousands of years

Ten: .What have you done

There’s no way this game can actually work

Juice: .hm? oh no it does not work AT ALL

it’s an absolute disaster of a football game

it’s horrible

it’s gorgeous

Nine: .wait

you said thousands of years?

what year is it

Juice: .moving on to the second portion of my lecture, i’d like to speak on the virtues of lunchables pizza – as well as the shortcomings that ultimately led to its discontinuation

in the 1990s, lunchables were a popular option for schoolchildren seeking agency in their lunchtime meal. while cafeteria food typically came as it came, lunchables offered virtually endless permutations of food. with lunchables pizza, this frontier was explored further via



Juice: .sorry

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