Everyone uses a different metric to fill out their NCAA Tournament bracket each year. This time around, I'm using the most unstoppable force in sports to guide my hand. Ronda Rousey, undefeated MMA dynamo, will show me the way. I'm making all of my picks based on which team mascot I think would give her the best fight.
Using Realtime Brackets and my own spectacular sense of imagination, I ran through the entire NCAA March Madness bracket using this Rousey metric. The results, much like the UFC women's bantamweight champion herself, are exciting and inspirational.
- When human-type mascots match up against animal mascots, the animal mascot will usually get the nod, because Ronda has judo'd the hell out of human beings all her life, but has probably only rarely fought feral big cats or livestock with knife faces.
- In the matchup between cats, have you SEEN a bearcat? It's tapping out to Ronda right now so it can get started on its nap.
- THE BATTLE OF THE BULLS IS NIGH. The Longhorn gets the nod, due to longer horns. (Reach advantage.)
- A Cougar or a Bulldog or a guy with a musket? I'm gonna say the Musketeer puts up a bigger fight, but only because Rousey has to keep her distance during the feeling-out period. She would still whoop up on that dumb Musketeer while he was reloading. One for all, all for ARMBAR.
- This bracket is pretty weak for Rousey opponents, all things considered. A duck? A cowboy? An irritated pig? The bear takes this portion of the bracket, and may god have mercy on its soul.
- wait do bears have souls
- This is by far the toughest bracket, because you have literal forces of nature (a Cyclone, a Red Storm) going up against sinister mythological figures (Blue Devils).
- Ultimately, I believe that Rousey would have an easier time besting a literal Cyclone than dealing with a cadre of Mephistopheleses (Mephises stophel? Mephistophelii?). The Cyclone may take her the distance, but ultimately, Rousey would prevail via unanimous judges' decision.
- There are a lot of animal vs. animal matchups in this bracket, but luckily they're all pretty simple. A tiger vs. a pack of wolves? Rousey would take the tiger any day.
- In a rare example of a human trumping an animal in giving Ronda a run for her money, the perfectly trained killing machine that is the Spartan would be a tougher opponent than the Bulldog. Besides, Rousey's already beaten like 12 bulldogs in this thing.
- This bracket comes down to BEAR vs. LITERAL PACK OF WOLVES. Yes, I believe Ronda Rousey could beat a bear in one-on-one combat. It would take her three rounds, though.
- IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS. A bear, a bull, a literal pack of wolves and a phalanx of Satans.
- The Bear makes short work of the cow, obviously. Similarly, a pack of wolves is intimidating until it comes up against Ol' Scratch himself, let alone an army of him. Rousey def. Longhorn, 2:23 Round 1 (neck crank). Rousey def. Wolfpack, 4:23 Round 3 (group armbar)
- Ultimately, I think the mystical power of a gang of azure Beelzebubs is the toughest fight Ronda Rousey may ever face in this life, or any other. For that reason, Duke takes it all. Congratulations, Duke. You are the toughest opponent imaginable for Ronda Rousey.
- Rousey def. Blue Devils, 4:59 Round 5 (flaming sword)