Equanimeous St. Brown, Zach Morris, and the 2015 recruiting All-Name Team

Because it's never too early to start enjoying the wonderful names that will be joining college football next year.

By Patrick Vint Feb 12, 2014, 10:44am EST

The virtual ink is barely dry on those faxed letters of intent from Roverters Barron, D'Ronzjiah Mathews and the other members of the 2014 All-Name Team, but the passing of Signing Day gives us an entirely new crop of names to treasure.

It's a tradition unlike any other: your early 2015 All-Name Team. We'll update this closer to next year's National Signing Day as more glorious pieces of name poetry make themselves known, but for now, here are the greatest recruit names in the country.

Quarterback

First team: J.W. Ketchum III of Missouri City, Texas

The unusual initials, the obvious possibilities surrounding a name that sounds like "catch 'em" for one of the country's best running quarterbacks, the fact that there were two previous J.W. Ketchums on this planet. I'd like to think that the middle initial stands for Will, so that his name is an affirmative statement by someone about his ability to catch another person. Jay will catch 'em!

Second team: Chance Thrasher of Suwanee, Ga.

Anybody whose name conjures an immortal skateboarding magazine stands out among a pedestrian class of quarterback names. He's not a skateboarder on purpose, he's just a thrasher by chance.

Running back

First team: Mikell Lands-Davis of Douglasville, Ga. and Desherrius Flowers of Mobile, Ala.

Alabama commit Desherrius Flowers has one of the greatest names of the year, a lyrical masterpiece with equal parts sharing and flowers.

Mikell Lands-Davis wins a spot on the first team for having a name that is a complete sentence. If there's a coach out there with the last name Michael, then Lands-Davis' name could be a sentence about his own recruitment.

Second team: Soso Jamabo of Plano, Texas and Shi'Kim Coward of Niceville, Fla.

When Soso Jamabo took Spanish, was his class name Asi Asi Jamabo? The five-star halfback is so-so in name only.

On the other hand, Shi'Kim Coward looks like a name engineered in a lab to make its recipient the toughest person on the planet. You know how mean Johnny Cash was in "A Boy Named Sue"? Now imagine if his full name was Sue Coward. That would make you roam the countryside looking to kill the man who gave you the name with touchdowns, right?

Wide receiver

First team: Equanimeous St. Brown of Anaheim, Calif. and Chad President of Temple, Texas

You want to know how awesome the name "Equanimeous St. Brown" is? His Twitter handle is @Equanimeous, because NOBODY ELSE HAS THAT NAME. Not only is Equanimeous St. Brown the captain of this year's all-name offense and a 6'4 four-star, he has to be in the running for Name of the Year worldwide.

Chad President is a two-word story about the 2000 presidential election, which is amazing because he was born before that election even took place. One has to assume his parents watched the Broward County recount, looked at their toddler son, and wondered if they had given birth to The One.

Second team: Van Jefferson of Brentwood, Tenn. and Markeyvious Adams of Greenwood, S.C.

It's not often that the very first thing seen in the first image of the opening credits of an iconic television show becomes the name of a coveted wide receiver recruit, but there it is, Van Jefferson.

As for Markeyvious Adams, his name is so close to former Name of the Year champion Barkevious Mingo that he has to make the list. The generic last name knocks him down a few pegs, but really: if Barkevious Mingo was such a great name, how great would Markeyvious Bingo be?

Tight end

First team: Devonaire Clarington of Miami, Fla.

What happens when you combine the name Devon with the always-in-demand quality of being debonaire? Devonaire Clarington, that's what. The last name, with the same number of syllables as the first and its Old English feel, only adds to the picture.

Second team: Aliz'e Jones of Las Vegas, Nev.

Yeah, that's a tight end who shares the name of cheap cognac.

Offensive line

Emanuel McGirt of Durham, N.C., Bar Milo of West Hills, Calif., Shaq Crouch of Johnsonville, S.C., Sam Tecklenburg of Plano, Texas, and Hunter Littlejohn of Powell, Ohio

Emanuel McGirt is a top-flight name regardless of position, a combination of Biblical and Ol' Dirty Bastard. The name demands that he be nicknamed "Dirt," and yet, can someone named Emanuel really be nicknamed "Dirt"?

If there had been another 200 pages of Catch-22, Milo Minderbinder would have opened up a bar named Bar Milo, and The Syndicate would have owned it, and everyone would have had a share. He then would buy alcohol in Sicily for one cent, sell it in Malta for four and a half cents, buy it back at seven cents, and sell it at Bar Milo for five cents.

Shaq Crouch is the most unfortunate mental image you could ever have.

Sam Tecklenburg sounds like a man from West Texas, a man who makes his living on the prairie, a man who owns a pickup truck and a gun and a dog, and this is turning into a Chevy truck commercial very quickly.

Hunter Littlejohn is a fantastic name on its own, but becomes even better when you realize that it presages the third installment of the Hunger Games trilogy, where famous rapper Lil Jon is added to the mix. Jennifer Lawrence shows no mercy.

Zach Morris is a high school junior right now.

Defensive line

Four-man front: Zach Morris of Ringgold, Ga., Shy Tuttle of Lexington, N.C., Stone Wolfley of Morgantown, W.Va., and Benning Potoae of Lakewood, Wash.

Zach Morris is a high school junior right now, so we're going to assume he spends his days talking on an oversized cell phone, chasing Kelly Kapowski around The Max, and hatching schemes against Principal Belding and music teacher Shy Tuttle. That is, when he's not trying to save the local football field (and a family of ducks) from a greedy oil company. What I'm saying is I watched a lot of Saved by the Bell.

Stone Wolfley sounds like a character played by Tom Selleck in a made-for-TV movie. It also rivals former Iowa linebacker Pat Angerer for the most appropriate name for a defender in recent memory.

And admit it; for a second, you thought Benning's last name was Potato, didn't you?

Three-man front: Nicholas Czar of Highland, Ill., Kingsley KeKe of Richmond, Texas, and King Newton of Southlake, Texas

They might never be royals -- this isn't a baseball list -- but this trio of royalty-related names is destined to play together. And while Kingsley KeKe and King Newton are phenomenal names, let's take a moment to examine the brilliance of Nicholas Czar. It takes a special sort of moxie to sort of name your child after the guy who violently suppressed his own people, lost the Russo-Japanese War, started World War I, and was forced to abdicate by a little something called the Bolshevik Revolution. This sets the stage for 2016 linebacker Khan Genghis.

Linebacker

First team: D.J. Beavers of Encino, Calif., C.J. Stalker of West Chester, Ohio, and Osa Masina of Salt Lake City, Utah

Dear God, D.J. Beavers is the worst D.J. in all of Ybor City. He works in the club on Tuesdays from noon to 4.

C.J. Stalker is a name that effectively summarizes the B Story of the final five episodes of the third season of The West Wing, in which press secretary C.J. Cregg is stalked by someone and then falls in love with her secret service agent, played by former UCLA quarterback Mark Harmon. The story ends when the Secret Service apprehends the stalker, freeing the agent to start dating the press secretary. He walks into a convenience store to buy her a rose, gets shot and resurfaces on NCIS. Spoiler alert.

As for Osa Masina, if you say it really fast, it sounds like you're completing a list of the all-time great second bananas in pop music. "There's really only four: Garfunkel, Ridgeley, Osa Masina." Daryl Hall and Kenny Loggins clearly approve.

Second team: Caileb Booze of Edmond, Okla., Gus Little of Fredericksburg, Va., and Kyahva Tezino of Los Angeles, Calif.

We're always looking for better, but in a linebacker class light on top-flight names, a guy with Booze right there demands some attention.

Gus Little is a man who is anything but small. The 6'3, 230-pound inside linebacker prospect might have the name of the uptight character in a screwball comedy from the 1950s, but the juxtaposition of an old-time first name and nondescriptive surname alone gets him onto the list.

As for Kyahva Tezino, it's a truly beautiful name, with six perfect two-letter syllables all lined up in a perfect row. Also, he's a 200-pound outside linebacker who has recorded 186 tackles and eight interceptions in the last two seasons, so I'm not going to make jokes.

Secondary

First team: Dominique Roseboro of Shelby, N.C., Lyrics Klugh of Duncan, S.C., Justin Tranquill of Fort Wayne, Ind., and DuWayne Johnson of Washington, D.C.

As wonderful as Desherrius Flowers is, Dominique Roseboro might be even better. It has symmetry -- three syllables in both the first and last name -- and an intoxicating mix of short vowels in the first name and long vowels, particularly long O's, in the last. A name with balance, and yet a name full of variety.

Lyrics Klugh makes it because I am making the last "-gh" silent and pronouncing it "Lyrics Clue," making him the living embodiment of the Paul is Dead rumors from late-period Beatles records. Turn and run with the wide receiver, dead man.

Justin Tranquill is a text message sent from a person who recently landed at a five-star resort and is letting his loved ones at home know (a) that he has arrived recently and (b) how he is doing.

I'm not saying that new Virginia Tech commit DuWayne Johnson is a blatant ripoff of the movie star with almost the same name, but if the D.C-area defensive back starts referring to himself as "The Rawk" or signs on to star in a movie about the Easter Bunny, I'm filing suit on Dwayne Johnson's behalf.

Second team: Khane Pass of Columbus, Ga., Rico McGraw of Nashville, Tenn., Marvell Tell of Encino, Calif., and Jaason Lewis of Virginia Beach, Va.

Khane Pass? No, that's why he plays defensive back.

Rico McGraw combines two names that don't have any common origin or backstory, and the dichotomy works in its favor. It's a simple, clipped name, the name you would give a character played by Charles Bronson. "Mick" names are just better for that. The prefix gives them an extra level of choppiness that makes them all the more fun, and the drawn-out suffix only adds to the poetry.

Marvell Tell isn't perfect for poetry -- Marvell McTell would get the syllables right for rhyming, and would make the first team -- but it's close enough to count. It's also a fairly accurate description of ComicCon. A side note: Marvell Tell and D.J. Beavers are high school teammates, making them the Drew Brees and Nick Foles of name awesomeness.

One has to wonder how it is that a fairly straightforward name like "Jason Lewis" somehow got an additional vowel. I'd like to think that Jaason's parents hesitated during his naming.