First-team: A player whose name doubles as a question asked of every quarterback: Jawon Pass, the U.S. Army All-American and Louisville commit. If you don't wanna pass, you shouldn't play QB.
Second-team: John Stockton made the NBA Finals and Mark McGwire annihilated Roger Maris' single-season home run record in 1998, the year potential FBS quarterback Stockton McGuire was born.
First-team: Ocean Springs, MS running back Tyler Polk wins the Historical Award for pairing the last names of the 10th and 11th presidents in order. John Tyler and James K. Polk annexed Texas and California. Speaking of ...
Lil'Jordan Humphrey, who is not lil at all at 6'5, boasts offers from several programs that would be parts of Mexico were it not for those presidents, including ... Texas and California.
Second-team: Lancaster, TX halfback Rickey Henderson is not related to that Rickey Henderson, but could join his namesake in the Talking About Myself in the Third Person Hall of Fame.
Baton Rouge's Darbbeon Profit Jr. has a name that would decimate the field of any spelling bee.
First-team: A pair of names that form a sequel to Dante's Inferno: Virginia Tech enrollee and walking contradiction Divine Deablo ...
... and the hell-raising Eddie McDoom, a Michigan commit. If you spell either backwards, it comes back as "MURDER."
They're joined by the fashionable Armani Posey, who's due at Copenhagen Fashion Week and is more likely to play linebacker in the MAC.
Second-team: They always say LSU coach Les Miles is a riverboat gambler, but his gamblingness will be surpassed the moment potential FCS wideout Dock Luckie takes the field.
Dredrick Snelson looks sort of like someone in the Ft. Lauderdale birth records office put the space in the wrong spot.
And much like how St. John is pronounced "Sinjin" in 19th century British literature, I must assume Crisjohn is a most Victorian spelling of "Christian." It gives Appalachian State commit Crisjohn Roscoe one of the most unlikely combinations of names ever.
Honorable Mention: Maysoe Wiley ow ow Maysoe Wiley.
Texas A&M lean Quartney Davis is the first recipient of the Hidden Unit of Measure Award.
First-team: Our 2016 All-Name Offensive Captain: Kentucky enrollee Dakota Holtzclaw, as disturbing a mental image as any fan could ever imagine.
This combines three things that keep Minnesota fans up at night: A Nightmare on Elm Street, former coach Lou Holtz and the oil-rich neighbors to the west. The only name that could terrify a Minnesotan more would be Wisconsin Timbrewsterchainsaw.
Second-team: Octavious Cooley, an Ole Miss commit, has one of the more poetic names, with a ton of vowels and that exquisite four-syllable first name.
First-team: Brodarious Hamm is both an Auburn commit and how Rob Gronkowski describes good meat.
North Carolina commit Jay Jay McCargo might provide the most fun you'll have saying a name all year.
And Fayette, AL guard Dee Nalls wins this year's Failed Meme Award for being just a few letters away from football's best BOFA joke.
Second-team: BYU commit Keaton Bills is a synopsis of Birdman.
Southern Miss commit Dakota Cru Birdyshaw is the most unlikely set of letters you'll see.
Oklahoma City's Tramonda Moore has it all: the three-syllable-one-syllable combination, the unique/commonplace dichotomy, the vowel sound at the end of the first name. It's a tour de force.
Oklahoma commit Johncarlo Valentin, who goes for the full-on Spanish name and misses slightly, and San Diego State commit Yasir Durant, whose name doubles as an answer one might give at an Oklahoma City Thunder game, make history by being the first set of teammates to make the All-Name Team at the same position.
First-team: No player's name describes a task for his position better than that of potential ACC commit Izon Pulley, who already sees that pulling guard Georgia Tech's sending his way.
He's joined by 2016 All-Name Defensive Captain Tyler Biadasz. Finally, the Badgers have a bigger Biadasz than J.J. Watt.
Second-team: Our Making a "Giving Him the Business" Joke Every Time We See Him Award goes to Southeastern Louisiana commit Ronald Cherry.
First-team: BYU signee Handsome Tanielu is a junior college transfer, but his name is worth breaking the rules to include.
He's joined by Stanford commit Bo Peek, because if life ain't easy for a boy named Sue, imagine how it is for a boy whose name is one letter from a nursery rhyme character who lost her sheep.
Second-team: Depending on pronunciation, Norman's Corey Tipsword is either everyone's favorite guy when doing the crossword puzzle or the most Game of Thrones name of the year.
He's joined by Georgia State commit Clifford Amazan, whose name suggests he would be an amazing prospect for the Big Red Dawgs in Athens.
He's joined by Ohio State enrollee Tuf Borland, the best linebacker name since Pat Angerer.
Memphis, TN linebacker Justin Swift describes the traits of every good judge I've ever met.
Second-team: Northwestern commit Jango Glackin IS NAMED JANGO GLACKIN.
A pair of names that roll off the tongue: the Beach Boys-Beatles mash-up Wake Forest commit LaRonde Liverpool and Shaquille Quarterman, who has enrolled at Miami and could not possibly jam another Q into his name.
First-team: There is a man in Maryland named Sir Patrick Scott. In order, his name is England, Ireland, Scotland. He might as well change it to United Kingdom (Northern Ireland's still in the UK, so be quiet).
Pensacola's Dude Donaldson would have been a lock even without the alliteration, mostly because the selection committee loves The Big Lebowski.
Second-team: Nebraska commit Dicaprio Bootle will be playing Catch Me If You Can with wide receivers.
Jacksonville's Hussein Howe describes 1990s United States foreign policy in the Middle East.
First-team: The alliteration and '70s-TV-detective-drama-villain quality of Brady Breeze would make the Oregon commit a contender. But when Tom Brady's ability to deflate things is a matter of national importance, he's a first-team lock.
"French Retreat," by Illarion Pryanishnikov
Second-team: Nebraska lean Nehemiah Augustus' name has it all, Hebrew and Roman. Old Testament and New. A man who governed Judea and a man who conquered it. It spans 100 yards of football field and 500 years of history.
On the other hand, Atlanta's Marlon Character is a whole different kind of Italian emperor, Brando's Vito Corleone.
First-team: In a year when we have a player named for the catwalk, is it possible someone else wins Fashion Name of the Year? Because I dare you to say the name of Grapevine, TX's Ralphlauren McCauley and not fall over from how awesome it is.
Second-team: There's the caveman double entendre that is five-star Mecole Hardman Jr., the telephone hotel reservation challenge that is McNeese State commit Cee Jay Powell, and the fun of saying, "Hamp Cheevers." But when Drake is cutting through Meek Mill, a name that describes it like Illinois commit Drake Spears' rises above the fray.