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Inside cow jail: Dabo Swinney begins cow jail orientation

Under the bored, yet attentive, eye of cow jail guards, ringleader Dabo Swinney's band of cow criminals get their first taste of the inside. Photograph via.

Chick-fil-A Bowl

"EAT MORE CHIKIN," boomed the cow jail guards, and it was not a marketing slogan centered around how funny it is that cows would prefer to not be killed. No chicken was to be served in cow jail or any other jail. CHIKIN is the output of a government program meant to engineer the cheapest possible protein substance. Inmates spend most of their meal times debating whether it's fish or not.

Chick-fil-A is delicious, but there is no Chick-fil-A in cow jail or person jail. That's one of the worst things about either kind of jail.

Front and center in this photograph is Dabo Swinney, alias Dabo Swinney, who's brandishing a marker that could be made into a weapon, a watch that could be sold for drugs and shoe laces, a versatile and lethal game-changer of a possession. That the cow guards haven't confiscated these things lets us know that Dabo Swinney is a badass and also that cows are dumb.

Seated next to Dabo Swinney is the most South Carolina individual of all time. When asked, "What you in for, cuz?" he will reply, "Drowning Aziz Ansari in mustard sauce." Look at his hair.

The two mischievious-looking short-haired gentlemen in the second row are plotting the acquisition of additional tooth brushes. This is about the most dastardly thing you can do during orientation. The cow guards don't care, since cows have horrible teeth.

The individual sitting behind Dabo Swinney is the token guy who's in for no good reason. He does not belong here, and would be released from person jail soon. However, cow jail will ensure he never sees daylight again, because cows have no real sense of time, cannot speak English, and don't know how to push the buttons that open the doors. Cows also poop wherever they want.

Cow jail orientation is much like person jail orientation, in that everyone is assured everyone in the building, cow jail inmate or cow jail guard, just wants to go home as peacefully and as quickly as possible. Cows would do pretty well in cow jail, since they are both black and white, but only people can go to cow jail. Cows cannot commit crimes.

Meanwhile, Les Miles has learned to speak cow, has bartered his way out of cow jail, has pushed for initiatives banning dogs and banning all things that aren't grass, and has been elected cow executive council chairman.


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