The Manti Te'o girlfriend hoax story is still with us. It's been eight days, and it's still a story people are very actively talking about and reporters are still reporting on. That doesn't seem possible, as it's a story that has nothing to do with sports and a story about a person who never existed and a story that's pretty much been solved. And yet it keeps going.
We out here live-tweeting Katie Couric, y'all. It's not right.
For the complete, blow-by-blow timeline of the great Te'o flimflam, I cannot recommend anything above our own Manti Te'o hoax StoryStream, which now has 52 freaking updates in it, from the day the news broke through this morning. I'm comfortable assuming that's the most updates ever entered into a SB Nation StoryStream about a non-real person, unless you count the ones on Roger Goodell.
With that, here are my guesses for the next revelations in the astounding Te'o caper:
- Manti Te'o is Ronaiah Tuiasosopo
- Lennay Kekua was voiced by the Jim Henson Company
- Brian Kelly is real ... really rich
- Bill Belichick concocted all this in order to draft Te'o at No. 30, but has already cut Te'o
- Ronaiah Tuiasosopo drafted by Patriots
- The body of Louis Nix III was composed of the entire internet, like that god baby at the end of the third Matrix
- Judge Judy scolds us all
- Ronaiah Tuiasosopo is Manti Te'o (totally not the same thing as the first bullet -- use your mind)
- You, like me, can spell Ronaiah Tuiasosopo without looking it up
- "Macho Man" Randy Savage was not real
- Everett Golson's girlfriend is a normal, attractive, tangible female who lives near him, what a weirdo
- Far Cry 3 is racist
- Kekua cheated on Te'o with Danica Patrick AW HOT CLICK THAT SHIT
- Katie Couric is not real
- Rugrats is real
- If yer girlfriend tells you her Skype ain't workin' and she cain't send you a pitcher a herself until Dee-cember the 21st, ya might be a redneck
- Nick Saban is shorter than Lennay Kekua
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