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This Week In Schadenfreude: The stupidest game Michigan ever played

TWIS tracks the college football internet's rage. This week: MAYBE IT'LL WORK THIS TIME, BORGES, Sad Michigan poetry, sad bastard Michigan fans toning down their fandom, sad Michigan swearing charts, sad Michigan nerds asking someone to figure out the the most intelligently profane fanbase in sports. And some other stuff.

i join with the chorus and declare this the luckiest michigan fan on the planet
i join with the chorus and declare this the luckiest michigan fan on the planet
Justin K. Aller

Hello. Michigan lost to Penn State in 4 OTs after 1) giving up a touchdown drive to a freshman QB that covered 80 yards in under 30 seconds and 2) playing for field goals twice in overtime and missing both. Along the way, tailback Fitzgerald Toussaint ran the ball 27 times for 27 yards, which is almost certainly the worst performance by a Michigan tailback in the 134-year history of the program and is definitely the worst since 1949.

The results on the Michigan internet have been mass chaos. A guy got maced, and 85 percent of Michigan fans perceiving this made the same joke about how that guy was the luckiest Michigan fan of them all. I myself posted a naked lady with a unicorn head vomiting a kitten. A guy I employ to write words on the internet made this his entire game recap

That was the stupidest f***ing football game I've seen in my life. The end.

…and his boss, me, is fine with that. So was everyone in the attached 385-comment thread.

Absolutely the best analysis possible Ace.

We really don't need any post game analysis. Ace summed it up perfectly.

What else is there to say?

Oh. All this.

Why am I having such difficulty getting over this one? I feel like my dog died last night. I woke up to feed a fourth month old at four AM, and was still depressed.

The only thing that's strange is that you're surprised.

The game was:

It was two Down syndrome monkeys trying to throw shit at each other, hitting nothing, until the zoo keeper took them both back to the cages.

Yes:

Borges' thought process on the run game

Maybe it'll work this time...
Maybe it'll work this time...
[ed: repeated 23 times]
Maybe it'll work this time...
Well that's strange.

Also.

Amutnal: Obrien outsmarted us with half a team.
MMB 82: He didn't outsmart us. He out less-stupided us.

Scott Tenorman candidate:

I sat in that shit stadium for that PATHETIC display by our coaches.  The last 3 minutes of regulation and ALL of overtime was the absolute WORST play calling I have EVER seen.

27 yards on 27 carries = you can't run the football.  Hey Borgess - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is idiocy  - you MORON.

During this time span PSU played man coverage on our wideouts and gave them 10 -12 yards every f---ing play.  THROW THE F---ING FOOTBALL - you MORON.

I have never been this disgusted at a Michigan game ... and i've been going for over 50 years!

It's actually "insanity," not idiocy, but the judges will accept it.

Candidate No. 2:

I hope we give the "Lane Kiffin" treatment to Borges: fire his ass before he gets back to town.  And take Funk with him.  The entire time he's been at Michigan I can think of two games he actually called well (Nebraska and OSU in '11) and has been a dumpster full of tires on fire the entire damn time since then.  HOW CAN YOU NOT RUN THE BALL FOR POSITIVE YARDS  WITH TWO NFL DRAFT PICKS AT THE TACKLE POSITION, ONE OF WHOM WILL PROBABLY GO IN THE TOP TEN.

And sitting there turtle-ing...Lloyd Carr?? IS THAT YOU?!  Borges: GET THE F--- OUT.  STACKED BOX? BETTER RUN FOR A LOSS OF TWO.  FIRST AND TEN? BETTER RUN STRETCH LEFT.  2ND AND 12? TIME TO RUN PLAY ACTION, SINCE OUR RUN GAME IS SO DAMN GOOD.  THIRD AND 7? ALL DEEP ROUTES SO GARDNER HAS TO SCRAMBLE FOR 5 YARDS.

GET.  THE.  F---.  OUT.

There is a sad poetry thread.

I don't feel terrible because this team was unlikely for greatness

It makes me less apt to show Hoke and his staff hateness

Still, what the coaches do is concerning

It doesn't seem that their play calls show learning

A run up the middle, nothing doing again

Borges undeterred still thinks we can!

More problems arise I am not sure about

It might be time to get the Funk out

(Michigan's offensive line coach is Darrell Funk.)

There is a "Has anyone intentionally toned down their fanhood in order to improve their well-being/mental health?" thread:

Sorry in advance for what I'm sure is one of the more laughably depressing threads we've had after a loss, but it's a serious question. Mods if this is just too much, kill it. I was talking with a guy yesterday who intentionally stopped being a sports fan because it was too much stress and too distressing for him. I'm a generally happy person, but after a loss like that I can be depressed for days, and to be perfectly honest I feel like it might just be healthier for me to tune out a little bit. Much as I love Michigan and football, the fact that one of the biggest causes of distress in my life is sports is just not healthy.

We have up/down voting on threads on MGoBlog. This got 17 up and 1 down, and virtually the entire thread is earnest discussion of the premise. There are no threads that are earnest discussion of the OP's premise on MGoBlog, ever, except that one.

And because this is MGoBlog, one of our mods has created a chart of open thread swearing:

Swearbargraph_zpsac0185d0_medium

FreeTheFabFivePlz: We can get to 3,000 "f---s" before the season's over. It's the only attainable goal we have left.

MGoSteelers: He lost me at Pie Chart.. who still uses these to convey any kind of data? [ed: there was also a pie chart]

schnoxl: I'd like to see how strong the correlation is between bursts of profanity and changes in the win probability graph. The fanbase with the strongest correlation could be said to be the most intelligently profane in sports.

maizenbluenc: I was wondering of the op intended to fishbone out the root causes each f--- referred to. Then in doing a Pareto diagram we'd more clearly be able to see what the f---ing problem is.

Michigan! You have acquired the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness and probably set a record for largest percentage of TWIS given over to one team. A well-earned record. Dammit.

The rest of the week in spleen:

ACC

Virginia conspired to lose to Maryland despite outgaining the Terps and winning the turnover battle 3-0. How do you do this? With field goals of 28, 18, 27, and 26 yards. I think an important player was also injured.

Nononononononononono

Take me instead Lord! Leave the Urbanator out of it! USE MY KNEES FOR HIS KNEES

by PMWiley on Oct 12, 2013 | 1:22 PM

UVa, down a point, drove into long field goal range and pulled the same crap Michigan did, believing their kicker was Morten Andersen or something and going run run run FG attempt. Was it good?

WHAT THE F--- WAS THAT?!?!?! WHY CANT YOU TRY AND GET A FIRST DOWN?!?!

That is on London. That is absolutely on London. Terrible playcalling

I nearly threw my phone at the TV during those last 3 plays!!!!! What in the nonsense was London thinking?!?! Now those ridiculous turtles have permanent bragging rights….. Arghh!

No. Because college kickers.

Big Ten

A 35-6 loss to Wisconsin has drawn the traditional response from Northwestern blog Sippin' on Purple:

Sterlingthevomitingman_medium_medium

You are in Wisconsin, so there is one thing to salve your hurting heart:

So that wasn’t worth the trip. And i’m now standing 8-deep in a line at Culver’s waiting to get a butterburger and fries and cheese curds, because that’s the only that that will make these last 40 miles back to Milwaukee even remotely tolerable.

by MNWildcat on Oct 12, 2013 | 5:25 PM

Also:

Burn it all

Raze the villages, salt the earth, leave no stone unturned and poison the water supply. Oh, and bomb the bridges too. Can’t forget to do that. What else should we do?

by LincolnParkWildcat on Oct 13, 2013 | 9:13 AM

Both of these gentlemen do things for SB Nation, because every Northwestern fan is employed in the sports media in some capacity.

And Purdue! Hammer and Rails has already done the legwork for us here:

Purdue is currently on pace to be the worst Big Ten team since 1981.

Big Twelve

Oklahoma expected their game against Texas to go the way it did, except they expected the uniforms to be switched. The aftermath is breaking up non-friendships:

Rage Do any of you have people who only text you if OU loses?

I do. It's the most annoying **** in the world. I have a friend (now ex) who is an aggy. She NEVER says anything when we win, but texts me when we lose. I told that **** to lose my number.
Surely, I can't be alone with this

Turk: Facebook is worse. Had whorns and sheep aggies coming out of the woodwork, talking mad ****. I was just like "where have you fvckers been all season?" smh

Aurora: yeah, that's where I got blown up... Facebook.... Hell where have they been the past few years?! I had to cuss a couple of them out. smh... Then this morning my coworker (who has NEVER said she's a longhorn fan in 9 years) came in talkin shhh! Had to cuss her too! lol!

Shooter: I used to have a lot of those people. I killed the last two Saturday evening.

tator: I'm not a douche to people when OU wins and people aren't douches to me when OU loses.

I'm not sure whether those are related or not.

Meanwhile, some coworkers who must not follow college football decorated one DallasSooner0220's cube like so before the game:

2uqmbtv_medium

After:

This is going to be awkward.

And here is OU offensive coordinator Josh Heupel's head on a baby's body.

Sbnyo_medium

Lots of baby bodies.

447pi_medium

Finally:

Text from my mom after the game: Can I slap a fat texas fan in a wheelchair who is screaming curse words at me?

Unrelated to spleen but great: Land Thieves has dubbed that thing where you line up and then look to the sideline for a play call "meerkat" football. OU meerkatted a punt, to much confusion.

Pac 12

A Stanford loss inevitably finds us trolling message boards to see if anyone does not reference "Ozymandias," which Stanford fans were bringing out before Breaking Bad made it cool. Stanford: Ozymandias hipsters.

Anyway, my God do Stanford message boards put out impeccable grammar. And no spleen at all.

After watching Oregon overwhelm Washington with relentless aggressiveness, the contrast between Stanford and Oregon never looked greater.  Even though Oregon goes faster and plays a different offensive scheme, you never know what they are going to do with the ball on offense.  Ever.

They know how to use the word irony correctly.

And again, the greatest irony is that the one time being predictable seemed justified, on 3rd and 4th and 2, from the Utah 6 with a minute to go, trailing by 6, they go away from their methodical, iron willed identity, with a RB averaging 7YPC in the game.

They don't know how to message board, that's for damn sure.

Points scored can be a volatile measure. There's skill in finishing (or not finishing) drives, but a small error can ruin an otherwise-good drive for you. And ultimately, what's important is the ability to have lots more good plays than bad. That's why I like yards per play as an underlying metric -- with Stanford's 6.9 being excellent (to 5.6 being not so much).

This is the point where you post 16 animated gifs of an emoticon vomiting, banging its head against the wall, or shooting something with a machine gun, guys.

I'm squarely with WIM on this. By far the most disheartening issue with the game yesterday were the failings all over the defensive side of the ball.

You guys are hopeless. Wait!

Saturday's Officiating

Promising!

I'm not complaining, just looking for opinions. I watched the game on my computer with a Slingbox connection, so I can't go back and watch the DVR'd game, and I missed almost the entire second quarter while driving my daughter to a slumber party.

I hate you guys.

SEC

Vc7knok_medium

via Chef Leppard

For every Georgia fan who looks like he's about to go golfing there's a guy from Decatur(?) with a dog painted on his head who just wants his DAWGS to GO. It's a fantastic combination, and leads to the most bowdlerized rant of the year:

My favorite excuse from Grantham....


'We will continue to practice and continue to get better."
Its mid season you overpaid pizza roll stuffing fat sack of mother loving snicker's funsized shite.

At what fricking point do we get to where we need to be>? The season is half over you fricking goon. What...by the time the Gala rolls around we will be one stout defense! I'm telling you! Guys by the time we get to the Stink-Finger Bowl and chili cookoff we will be a motherfricking force to reckon with!

I wish he would stop the fricking bull shite and just say...well I really haven't coached well so far and the defensive woes are ON me. At some point this fricking "keep getting better" schtick is so retarded that its a joke...and your a joke Grantham...you fat fricking walrus 500 kitkat eating gyro sandwich fricking money stealing mother fricking mother fricker.

/rant off

I believe this gentleman would prefer a svelte defensive coordinator.

A "runningdog" would like you to think about how you got here, the aftermath of a loss to Missouri, and what your forefathers would think of your milquetoast responses:

Hey, we finally joined Facebook!

To all the hand wringing, Disney pukes -- your ancestors, largely, took a chance and moved to this country on hopes and prayers. These people dreamed big. Many of you act like you are afraid to get out of bed. Damn, Richt is just a coach at a destination school, nothing more, nothing less. GA is known as a soft underachiever. Surely there is a "hard, pipe hitting" coach just waiting to blow up the college world.

You hire and fire until you get a winner. You take football revenue and you invest it in the program. You live within the rules, but don't let others push the envelope without being right there with them.

Your ancestors didn't almost die on a boat to watch any goddamn losses to Missouri, Disney pukes.

Arkansas has finally created the ur-thread. The thread from which all other threads not started by Stanford fans originate.

I'm ANGRY!

We were told we had the BEST coaching staff in the nation!  Some one sold us a bill of goods.  I'm having a nightmare!  It looks like we have Nutt back for a coach and Casey Dick for QB!

:puke:

Responses:

Arkansas Fan: We really do have one stupid fanbase...

sickboy1138.2: Arkansas is definitely an elite program when it comes to fan stupidity. Top 10 year in and year out.

And!

We wanna win in Fayetteville? We need Orgeron. We need Kiffin. We need to accept the eventual penalties.

Do it. Do it so hard, Arkansas.

NEXT WEEK: Arkansas gets pummeled by Alabama, hires a Kiffin/Tressel/Chip Kelly combination. Purdue scores negative points against MSU. Michigan runs for negative yards against Indiana. Baylor does Baylor things to Iowa State. Clemson versus Florida Sta- ... actually, how about Virginia losing to Duke?

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