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This Week In Schadenfreude: Knock it *down*, Northwestern

Every week, This Week In Schadenfreude trawls the mighty seas for the craziest things said on the internet about college football! Sounds like a bunch of crap to me! This week! Annual Northwestern Hail Mary loss debacle! I have scurvy! Michigan coaches as ineffectual Civil War generals! There be maggots in me hard tack! Miami fans saying "azz"! Pirate things!

Bruce Thorson-USA TODAY Sports

I had a bad weekend, you guys, but I think when you can lead a post with this

Another year, another loss on a Hail Mary.

…I think you take precedence over a team getting boa-constrictored by an instate rival they can no longer deride for any reason. Northwestern is now 0-5 in the Big Ten thanks to Ron Kellogg III doing this, and it's time to see it happen live:

80 seconds

no timeouts

can the defense hold? … or are we gonna see michigan 2012 all over again?

illinois 2011

probably not

51 seconds


Bo Pelini's face looks like the product of a sculpting 101 student.

Just sayin’

That doesn't have anything to do with anything, but it's included for truth.

11 seconds

4 seconds

oh geezus my heart cant take this

it happens.


...and that is why you NEVER use a 3 man rush

*kills self*

I'm legitimately crying

me too crying in the shower

Seriously…..was that real? Do we even practice defending hail maries? Trying to catch it not knock it down? No one deep?

Am I drunk, or did that really happen?

i wish i were drunk i should get drunk

Seriously we need to hire an exorcist to go sprinkle holy water around Ryan Field

What is this I don't even

If we’d have won today, we’d still have to suffer from every player on our team getting hurt. Actually maybe even former players, Fitz probably pulled a muscle screaming for a facemask. I hear we’re good at field hockey, I’ll have to go find out what that is.

how are we so f---ing awful at batting down passes

michigan last year, this piece of shit

we had 5 f---ing defenders having a f---ing orgy on the goal line paying absolutely no attention to the guy behind them, then THEYF---ING TIP IT UP IN THE AIR INSTEAD OF BATTING IT DOWN OR JUST F---ING CATCHING IT. AGAIN. F---

also the play with 16 seconds left – I thought that was an obvious drop, but they gave nebraska the first down, AND stopped the clock even though he was in bounds.. what the f--- was that shit

f--- i wish this alcohol would kick in faster

This passes for hope?

i cant even watch it

only 7 days till da basketcats play

I’m starting to wonder how many years off your life it costs you for being a Northwestern fan. Seriously, I checked my blood pressure and it was so high I had to take emergency meds. If I’m going to have a stroke, I at least want NU to win. Or lose early and thoroughly so that my body has a chance to just absorb the punishment and "flush it".

Maybe being a Northwestern fan means you pay off karma at a highly accelerated rate. Or maybe you skip Purgatory and go straight to Heaven. There must be a point to the suffering.

Better go take an aspirin so I don’t have a heart attack as well…

If you don’t hear from me for the rest of the season, that means that I died.

The second one here got rec'd.

I think the virgin we sacrificed in 2000 for all those miracle wins

Has come back from the grave for blood revenge

On the positive side

Plenty of virgins around Northwestern for additional sacrifices

HA HA HA we're virgins!

oh man that makes me feel bad too : (

@oracle gif me "nebraska kicking me in the balls with a miracle hail mary that Northwestern didn’t defend well after Northwestern’s coaches had a horrible game plan and didn’t do what was necessary to win most of the game and oh yeah I wish I was drunker but I couldn’t drink all the bourbon in my house because my in-laws are here"

by C.E. Bell on Nov 2, 2013 | 8:21 PM

Northwestern, here are the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. Try not to bat a ball to them on the last play of the game.

The rest of the week in spleen:


Miami got pounded by FSU like everyone expected them too, but this is Miami we're talking about. Spleen will be had!

Coach D must go

Don't care what anybody says. The defense is playing slow because of the **** he wants them to do. Pruitt at fsu changed things up from earlier this season to fit the personel. D'onofrio doesn't do that, he is forcing his scheme and the **** is not working. That's why the d is always "freelancing" they don't believe in it. **** jethro too fire him and bring kevin patrick in. Our dlineman have no type of moves. Lbs are 5-7 yards off los and are being asked to cover wrs. LOOK AT VA TECH THEY BRING IN 3 STAR RECRUITS EVERY YEAR ON D BUT LOOK AT THEM. THIS IS NOT A MIAMI D, IT IS A BIG 10 & MAC D.

At least one team in the Big Ten plays okay defense, but okay.

Also, we can't stop by the Canes without someone saying "azz":

Last year I said the DC waz garbage and I got ripped a new azzhole. TO those same posters, How do u feel about your DC after tonight?

What I wanna know iz who called that motherf####r a coach? Thatz what I wanna know.......................

And I will give you a dollar if you put this in a contract, sir.

On my tomb stone will read

3rd down defense suxs

Big Ten

There was plenty of misery to be had in the league this week. Northwestern had that thing happen above. Iowa had a perfect Kirk Ferentz game in which Iowa dominated the first half, punted from Wisconsin territory twice, and trailed at the half. Woo Iowa football.

…it's utterly mystifying why Kirk Ferentz calls a game the way he does.

But at least it wasn't worth getting jailed over?

Ferentz did go for it on 4th and 1 at Wisconsin's 8-, 20- and 35-yard lines. Had he kicked on any of those we'd be in jail by now. As it stands we're just disappointed.

BHGP has a specific post-game vent thread that's filled with level-headed discussions of whether a change is necessary that generally settle on "no" as the answer or at least "one will not happen, so why bother talking about it?" Iowa vents like they play football. There is this:

I felt like I was watching the Chevy Chase Show

If that show had been converted into an offensive scheme

And this:

Since college football is nothing but a money whore

Why not go out and get the best coach possible and pay him a ludicrous amount of money?

Brock Sampson: Well we're halfway there




"Don Shumpert" is the least intimidating football name ever. And:

At this point, waiting for Ferentz 3.0 is like waiting for Godot, long on existential angst only to be met by eventual disappointment. I’m not sure which punt from inside Wisconsin’s 40 it was, but one of them made me realize that we’re never going to be anything more under KF than we’ve been the past few years.

Ferentz will play balls-out against Michigan, because he always does. Screw you, too, Kirk Ferentz.

Oh, right. Michigan, rushers for -48 yards against Michigan State in an emasculating 29-6 loss to "little brother." Little brother has a death grip on your balls, Michigan. Stop inflaming his desire to crush.

As per usual I am honor-bound to lead with myself getting dramatic:

You've looked like a coal miner after an explosion for the better part of four quarters and everything you do reminds your over-exerted nerves that in fact they have a job to do even if they really wanted to stop doing it two hours ago, and they raise their hand and say OH BY THE WAY THIS FEELS LIKE DEATH, and at some point you have to obey them. Space is infinite and cold and bereft of hope, and Devin Gardner is in it, waiting to die.

I saw "Gravity" recently. That whole situation was a pick-me-up compared to Saturday. To the MGoComments:

Never should have fired Rodriguez...

...this team will be cursed for years now.

Allow Me

to summarize what I think is the essence of NYC Fan's point.  This team SUCKS on the road.  Not just alittle bit.  A lot.  Hoke's "best" road win is at freaking Northwestern.  Let that sink in.  We have now SUCKED for years on the road.  We will SUCK on the road next year.  There is no rational reason why anyone would suggest that games in Columbus and East Lansing are remotely winnable.

Here is the last decade of Michigan football in one handy line screaming downward:

10 year scoring trend vs MSU (from r/cfb)

2004 - 45 points (UM win)

2005 - 34 points (UM win)

2006 - 31 points (UM win)

2007 - 28 points (UM win)

2008 - 21 points (MSU win)

2009 - 20 points (MSU win)

2010 - 17 points (MSU win)

2011 - 14 points (MSU win)

2012 - 12 points (UM win)

2013 - 6 points (MSU win)


Good post. We suck. Fire offensive everyone.

Fire everyone. This isn't the 2005 MAC.

This year the trash tornado was our offense :(

Hahaha. We're on pace to score Negative points next year.

Oh. My. God. This made me sick.

I'll donate money to pay for a new O-Line coach. Borges is an enigma wrapped in a mystery inside a riddle and coated by the yellow cake of a Twinkie.

Something something Michigan educates people.

For 10 years, we have been the Union Army in need of its General Grant and have been floundering with one McClellan after another. At some point, Dave Brandon may make a surprise hire and borrow from Lincoln by saying, "I cannot spare this man. He wins (games)."

We have to go deeper!

Lloyd was definitely McClellan - unwilling to unleash or simply unaware of the full might of the force at his disposal. Rodriguez was Hooker - not as blustering, but offense-oriented and certainly thought to be the "hot hand" coming in and then just completely fell apart. In Hoke I too am starting to see a lot of Burnside - unheralded guy who was competent on the "administrative" side, but when it came time to execute...

Unfortunately, our greatest enemy has Lee and our second-greatest has gotten Grant to defect. Like Grant, Dantonio's not too flashy, but knows what must be done to win, and he goes out and does it.

The good news is that this game did not come anywhere near the epic PSU record for swearing.


Big Twelve

Oklahoma State blew their game against Texas Tech open in the third quarter, leaving the Red Raiders 7-2 but staring down the barrel at KSU, Baylor, and suddenly 5-0 in the league Texas to finish the season. The Kliff Kingsbury honeymoon is approaching over:

Did we make a mistake not hiring Sumlin?

After Leach was fired, Sumlin should've been here the next day. Not that I don't like KK. Love the guy, glad he's here. But who in their right mind would bring in Tuberville over Sumlin? Oh wait, I forgot we're dealing with the GOBs that run things around here.

This guy does get piled on.

This is why we SHOULD venture over to the football board (following a loss).  biggrinrolling.gif Why?
"....because its serious fun!"

The Op makes it plainly obvious that not every job requires drug testing.... Then again, most folks don't even work any more, so there's that possibility too.

GOBs are Good Old Boys, and this guy might be one of them.

So when you can donate millions to help make TEC H better you can become
a GOB. So if you do not like GOB'S go do something for TECH and not just use
what others has done for you.

It's Just a Game

Yeah, okay, but you hired Tommy Tuberville, which erases all of your life points.


No one in the league took it on the chin when they did not expect to, but it's time to do our annual check-in with Colorado to see how Buffaloes fans are… uh, even still extant. Wait, what?

Jameis Winston Flaws

At a young age, like 12 or 13, he wrecked his right ring finger jamming a bball and the tip of that finger has no muscle control or feeling. His ball flutters because he can't really spin it.

He obviously has vision issues. He can't see signs from the sideline. Maybe it helps having blurred vision looking down field.

If I'm a potential first round pick, I'd get those corrected. Just wondering if anyone else noticed this stuff.

If you're capable of observing Jameis Winston as a Colorado fan and experiencing any other emotion than crippling envy, that goes past virtue into brain damage. The rest of AllBuffs… is happy about a 45-23 loss.

What I liked most about tonight

Sefo and PRich set the tone. That tone was pretty much a "**** you" attitude. About damn time some leaders didn't back down. We need more of that attitude.

I am so deeply envious of Colorado fans. Yes, I mean that.


Any descriptions of Florida can just be taken from Fearless Leader's twitter feed on Saturdays.

If Florida and Michigan both get humped into the same low-rent bowl game, Spencer and I will have difficulty differentiating the teams, especially since they're both going to be wearing American flag togas with "HONOR," "COURAGE," and "NOT HAVING ANY GODDAMN IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING ON OFFENSE" stenciled on them.

NEXT WEEK: Not technically Bedlamn when Oklahoma plays Baylor, but we'll take it! Oregon-Stanford! BOTH OF THESE GAMES ARE ON THURSDAY? LSU infighting over Les Miles reaches fever pitch after Alabama stomps them! Bo Pelini or your author kicks a dog on national television! Notre Dame totally loses to Pitt this time!

More from SB Nation college football:

TV schedule guide: The season’s biggest weekend yet

New BCS rankings: Noles reclaim No. 2 from Oregon

Surprise: Texas swipes Arizona State’s AD

At the scene of the SEC’s newest bitter rivalry

Ohio State finally looks the part, and five other big stories

• Long read: Inside Chip Kelly’s New Hampshire laboratory