Steve Spurrier is many things, some of them more appealing than others and all of them hilarious to varying degrees. The Head Ball Coach has his less charming and more tyrannical moments, but it all more or less comes out in the wash due to how relentlessly and exuberantly he refuses to give a shit about acting the way college football coaches generally act.
Spurrier just won't even attempt the poker-faced, alpha-ulcerousness of his peers. He regards staying on-message only slightly more affectionately than he does Clemson. He would so transparently rather be golfing that, during some press conferences, a thought bubble is actually visible over his head with a lob wedge and a sleeve of balls in it. Spurrier can recruit, he can coach, he can sometimes use his timeouts properly, but he simply cannot and will not deliver prepared remarks.
Anyway, that's one way of looking at it. Another way would be that Spurrier's unparalleled knack for undermine-y pseudo-compliments, false-bottomed un-praise and frank dissage is not nearly as off the cuff as it seems, and is instead elegant, razor-edged gamesmanship.
Whatever your interpretation, 2013 was an excellent year in Spurriering. With that in mind, SB Nation's team of Spurrier-ists -- Spencer Hall, Brian Floyd, Jason Kirk and myself -- have compiled the following quiz. Your challenge: identify which of these bits of brilliant, bitchy golf-hustler gamesmanship are things Spurrier said in 2013, and which can be credited to @celebrityhottub's Hatin' Ass Spurrier column at Every Day Should Be Saturday.
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- On Arkansas: "I do feel badly for Arkansas. That's no fun getting your butt beat at home, homecoming and all that."
- On Clemson: "They don't play well when they play us."
- On scheduling: "Wofford almost beats us every time they come in here. Furman gave us a battle."
- On why Urban Meyer backed out of a golf tournament in Lake Tahoe: "Probably some questions he doesn't want to get into."
- On the new Rice Athletic Center at the University of South Carolina -- his employer, if you're just joining us: "What a difference this is from the Roundhouse. Everything is first-class. It's so different than when I got here eight years ago."
- On Tennessee: "Will be the 14th time I've coached in Neyland Stadium. ... I've coached there more than some of their head coaches."
- On if Jadeveon Clowney will play on offense: "Not really. We got a bunch of offensive players"
- On his own team, again: "Our offensive line (is) pretty good at everything except blocking. Unfortunately, that's all we ask them to do."
- On Alabama: "In the NFL, the worst team gets the first pick. In college, the best team gets the first pick. Bama gets the first five."
- On Georgia: "Georgia has so many rivals, that it's difficult for them to have a rivalry every week."
- On the Tennessee-Florida rivalry: "It hasn't been quite as a big a game. When's the last time Tennessee won?"
- On conference realignment: "Notre Dame should join the ACC and play football like all the rest of us. I know the Notre Damers will get mad at me."
- On Michigan's long home winning streak: "I think they play Ohio State there this year."
- On Tennessee, again: "Sometimes when you watch Tennessee, you say, 'Why aren't these guys in the Top 25?'"
- On Florida: "Somebody told me the Gators are staying home for the holidays. Maybe we can get a bunch of Gators to come to our game."
- On Ole Miss: "Hugh and I have a lot in common. We both play golf. We both wear visors. We call the plays. How could you not like a guy like Hugh Freeze?"
- On Clowney's speeding ticket: "I didn't know Jadeveon's car that could go that fast. He doesn't have a pretty car like those FSU guys used to drive."
- Greeting Bret Bielema by walking up to him and repeating, "No no huddle, no no huddle."
- On a Florida fake punt attempt that failed: "That fake punt they had... Whew. Looked pretty good for a while."
REAL: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.
FAKE: Steve Spurrier only says real things.
Quotes via Andy Staples, ASAP Sports, Barrett Sallee, Edgar Thompson, Josh Kendall, Mark Schlabach, Paul Pabst.