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2013 college football schedule guide: The least wedding-friendly Saturdays this fall

It's time once again to remind you that if you must be a horrible person, there are slightly less horrible ways to do it.

Mike Zarrilli

The Mountain West has released its 2013 football schedule, which means the national slate is now more or less set. Thus the most important work of the entire offseason, curbing the damage done by your friends scheduling fall weddings, can now begin in full.

We must try to go an entire fall without any weddings scheduled for Saturdays. However, recognizing (A) every age of human history belches forth its own monsters, and (B) family circumstances are always a wild card, below is a guide to which Saturdays would be oh-so-slightly less unacceptable to miss due to a wedding.

I would say you could just schedule your wedding for a Sunday, but fall Sundays are for (in order of importance) physical recovery, driving back home, fretting about the BCS standings, reviewing highlights and box scores, spleening in internet comment sections, mental recovery, analyzing next week's college football schedule, and dealing with NFL football. The safest bet for a fall wedding is a Wednesday morning, which means a #MAChelor party the night before, but still.

This has been published months ahead of fall. That's plenty of time to schedule a wedding for any point between tonight and mid-August. As of now, your loved ones have no excuse to ask you to attend a fall wedding on a critical Saturday. You're very welcome.

August 31?

Five biggest games: Georgia at Clemson, Alabama-Virginia Tech, TCU-LSU, Boise State at Washington, Mississippi State-Oklahoma State

One game to watch anyway: Washington State at Auburn

One game to not watch: Colorado State at Colorado

Verdict: To schedule a wedding that coincided with the first Saturday of college football season would be to attempt the most improbable thing that has ever been attempted. Not a single soul will show. And I do not use soul as a synonym for person. Not even the spirits of your ancestors will honor your request, nor will your fiancee. There is not a single thing in the world you could ever venture that would yield poorer results, save attempting to play the new SimCity, and surely even that will be fixed by August 31. Think about what you've done.

September 7?

Five biggest games: Florida at Miami, South Carolina at Georgia, Notre Dame at Michigan, Texas at BYU, Oregon at Virginia

One game to watch anyway: Western Kentucky at Tennessee

One game to not watch: Chattanooga at Georgia State

Verdict: If the Gators can come thiiiiis close to leaving the state of Florida in an out-of-conference game for the first time since 1991, you can get married in July.

September 14?

Mitch Stringer-US PRESSWIRE

Five biggest games: Alabama at Texas A&M, Ole Miss at Texas, UCLA at Nebraska, Tennessee at Oregon, Ohio State at Cal, Wisconsin at Arizona State, Tulsa at Oklahoma, Vanderbilt at South Carolina, Virginia Tech at East Carolina. That's way more than five, but this is a great week.

One game to watch anyway: Louisville at Kentucky

One game to not watch: Maryland at UConn

Verdict: You are out of your mind, no matter what the photo above led you to believe about this Saturday's quality. You have just been tested.

September 21?

Five biggest games: Tennessee at Florida, Utah at BYU, Arizona State at Stanford, Kansas State at Texas, North Carolina at Georgia Tech

One game to watch anyway: ULM at Baylor

One game to not watch: Michigan State at Notre Dame

Verdict: Look, Michigan State at Notre Dame is a pretty big game and all, especially with how lucky Notre Dame was last year and how unlucky Michigan State was last year. I'm just recommending you do things besides watching it, things which do not include weddings.

September 28?

Five biggest games: LSU at Georgia, Wisconsin at Ohio State, Oklahoma at Notre Dame, Ole Miss at Alabama, Cal at Oregon

One game to watch anyway: SMU at TCU (also Oklahoma State at West Virginia, Florida at Kentucky, Stanford at Washington State (it's a great week for oddities))

One game to be very confused by: Army vs. Louisiana Tech in Dallas

One game to not watch: Virginia at Pitt

Verdict: This is probably the week to do it, if you're gonna do it. Just know you will be divorced within two years if you pick this Saturday. Your call.

October 5?

Five biggest games: TCU at Oklahoma, Ohio State at Northwestern, Arizona State-Notre Dame, Georgia at Tennessee, West Virginia at Baylor


One game to not watch: Georgia State at Alabama

Verdict: Guilt is a powerful emotion. Your reception refreshments will taste like lukewarm regret, like clammy shards of gristle and hate, like apocalypse almonds, like mealy proverbs of pain as you dwell upon having abandoned poor Georgia State in its darkest hour.

October 12?

Five biggest games: Oklahoma-Texas, Oregon at Washington, Texas A&M at Ole Miss, Michigan at Penn State, Florida at LSU

One game to watch anyway: Northwestern at Wisconsin

One game to not watch: Pitt at Virginia Tech

Verdict: Even Nebraska at Purdue is better than your wedding. Don't push me on this, because I've been to some really fun weddings, and I've never enjoyed a Nebraska-Purdue anything. Forget I said that.

October 19?

Five biggest games: Florida State at Clemson, UCLA at Stanford, USC at Notre Dame, LSU at Ole Miss, TCU at Oklahoma State

One game to watch anyway: Navy at Toledo

One game to not watch: Florida at Missouri

Verdict: Look at you. Just look at you. Do you really need the spotlight so badly that you're willing to deprive the ACC of its one chance at attention? Dabo is a genuine bridezilla, but let him have his moment.

October 26?

Five biggest games: Texas at TCU, UCLA at Oregon, Tennessee at Alabama, Penn State at Ohio State, Stanford at Oregon State

One game to watch anyway: N.C. State at Florida State

One game to not watch: Boise State at BYU, which is on Friday. Continue not watching it on Saturday. It might be a great game, but you can't take the risk after what happened last year.

Verdict: "We're getting married on the fourth Saturday in October." No, sir or ma'am, this is the third Saturday in October.

November 2?

Sam Greenwood/Getty Images

Five biggest games: Georgia-Florida, Miami at Florida State, Michigan at Michigan State, Northwestern at Nebraska, Oklahoma State at Texas Tech

One game to watch anyway: Navy at Notre Dame

One game to not watch: Southern Miss at Marshall

Verdict: No.

November 9?

Five biggest games: LSU at Alabama, Oklahoma at Baylor, Nebraska at Michigan, Texas at West Virginia, Vanderbilt at Florida

One game to watch anyway: TCU at Iowa State

One game to not watch: Old Dominion at Idaho

Verdict: You won't listen to me, but maybe you'll listen to Tony Stark:

November 16?

Five biggest games: Stanford at USC, Florida at South Carolina, Oklahoma State at Texas, TCU at Kansas State, Cincinnati at Rutgers

One game to watch anyway: Miami at Duke

One game to not watch: Maryland at Virginia Tech

Verdict: Missing some of this stuff here wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen in the world. I didn't say that.

November 23?

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Five biggest games: Texas A&M at LSU, Oregon at Arizona, Boise State at San Diego State, Nebraska at Penn State, BYU at Notre Dame

One game to watch anyway: USC at Colorado (also, it's SEC-SoCon Challenge Week 2013)

One game to not watch: USC at Colorado (also, the SEC-SoCon Challenge)

Verdict: No.

November 30?

Biggest games: It's Hate Week. The answer is all games.

One game to watch anyway: All others.

One game to not watch: Rutgers at UConn

In the comments below, please share both the other Saturday games that cannot be missed and your own wedding horror stories. Thank you.

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