College Football

Pac-12 asks whether we'd rather watch buffaloes or Colorado football, we answer

As part of the Pac-12 Networks' campaign against DirecTV, they asked whether we'd rather watch a) nature documentaries or b) Colorado football. Do they really want to know the answer?

By Rodger Sherman Aug 12, 2013, 3:53pm EDT

So the Pac-12 Networks are in a bit of a war with DirecTV, since the satellite television provider refuses to add the conference's flagship network to the list of channels it carries. They're not being subtle about it, with commissioner Larry Scott literally urging fans to switch providers.

The latest salvo was this commercial (along with 11 others), which asks fans: what kind of buffalo do you want to watch?

Okay, let's get some things straight here. Now, I love college football and will watch horrible versions of it. My most-viewed network is almost certainly ESPNU, which is currently running down a countdown of the best games from last college football season.

But I also love watching Animal Planet, y'all. Saturday, I watched about three and a half hours of "Too Cute." WHAT, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Here you're asking me whether I'd rather watch a nature documentary about buffalo or Colorado football. Honestly?Let's compare and contrast.

Buffalo are big dumb-looking, 2,500 pound, hairy cows. They spend their days eating grass, being gruff, and ramming each other in the head. They're damn near impossible to take down, so big that you need a special buffalo gun to kill one. They are an iconic symbol of the American West, and the story of their resurgence after being hunted to near extinction is remarkable. The buffalo's dedication to non-stop consumption of food, seemingly morbid obesity, and refusal to take guff from anybody or even die after being shot with your wimpy regular-ass bullets, might make them the truest American hero.

The Colorado Buffaloes are an incredibly bad football team. Last year, they went 1-11. Last year, they totally deserved to go 1-11. They ran a quarterback sneak on first-and-10. Instead of giving Jon Embree time to turn it around, they fired him, leading to a press conference where the coach and athletic director basically took turns ripping the school, with Embree revealing he had to personally buy his coaches water and that the school did not provide his team with enough chairs to watch film.

They will not be better this year. The guy who started at QB in the one game they won last year will not play after tearing his ACL. The only game in which they are not 20-point underdogs is a game against Colorado State. Yes, Mike MacIntyre is a talented coach, but all the coaching talent in the world would get the Buffs what, three wins this year? I would pick Central Arkansas -- who finished the season ranked No. 8 in the FCS -- over Colorado in Week 2especially after last year's Colorado team lost to a Sacramento State squad that finished the FCS year 6-5.

There is nothing good about Colorado football in my eyes, except perhaps its mascot, which is, by the way, a live buffalo. A live, charging, snorting buffalo that its handlers sometimes can't contain.

So, if you're honestly asking, Pac-12 Networks: I would much rather watch live buffaloes than watch your worst football team lose football games, no matter how comically they choose to do so in 2013.