1. Mack Brown mutters, "I'm still the man to fix this football team," and shakes his head. "Would you like more horsey sauce, sir?" Brown is at an Arby's, and not in Ames, Iowa, where his football team is holding onto a 16-10 lead late in the third quarter. "Yes, yes I would," he says, hoping no one notices, and skulking back quietly to the offices of the Longhorn Network. Austin was nice that time of year, so he kept the windows down as he drove.
2. Stanford will legally field eight tight ends at once on a single play with only 11 men on the field. That is why they got into Stanford, and you did not.
3. Baylor's Bryce Petty will throw for 3,000 yards, run for 500, and help Art Briles win his bet with the gypsy that he could not get Baylor to four straight winning seasons. The part about Baylor going for a fourth straight winning season is both true and somehow less plausible than Art Briles owing a blood debt to a gypsy.
4. Tennessee's entire football program -- including facilities and stadium and staff -- is seized as part of an FBI investigation into Pilot's finances and business practices. For the remaining eight games, the part of Tennessee will be played by East Carolina. Results will be indistinguishable from projected 2013 Tennessee football performance.
5. There will be one exception: Antonio "Tiny" Richardson will remain on the grounds, as there is no crane powerful enough to move him.
6. The death of Robert Mugabe, longtime dictator of Zimbabwe, will occur during the final BCS National Championship on January 6th, 2014. An Alabama political science student, seeing the news on Twitter while watching Alabama beat Notre Dame 56-3, says to himself quietly, "Saban done run another one out the league. ROLLLL TIDE."
7. The leading cause of death in the state of Arizona in 2013 will be heart disease. The second will be Arizona State DT Will Sutton. The third will be cancer, and the fourth will be a scary dog-spider-lizard thing in Nogales named "Red" who remains beloved despite his tendency to eat residents. "Yanno, he's real friendly, at least 'til he ain't, just like Big Will. Love 'em both, though," said Nogales resident Tamerlane O'Skinsuit.
8. Clemson will play their worst game of the season against Boston College, because everyone in the ACC will play their worst game of the year against Boston College, the chronic fatigue syndrome of ACC football teams.
9. Bo Wallace will continue to thrive at quarterback for Ole Miss despite a.) regularly running the ball through SEC defenses at a whip-thin 6'4, 209 pounds and b.) seriously he's barely 209 after a heavy meal. When asked how he remains so durable, Hugh Freeze will smile and simply say, "Interchangeable parts," and thank Ole Miss trainer Eli Whitney for his hard work.
10. The Big Ten Network's reruns of "Family Matters" and "Perfect Strangers" will be their highest-ranked programming on gamedays, and there is nothing wrong with this at all if you've ever watched the noon game on BTN. Thank you for your service to our country and the city of Chicago, Carl Winslow.
11. The first goalpost twerking celebration will happen by Week 6. Suspects include Florida, Miami, LSU, and in a dark-horse role, Tommy Rees of Notre Dame.
12. Miami's Al Golden will enjoy his finest season at Miami yet, in part because of the 1,500 rushing yards of running back Duke Johnson, and also because he finally admits he cannot continue to coach AND run a night shift at the rental car counter at the Miami airport simultaneously. Al's an earner like that.
13. The biggest buck of the Virginia bowhunting season will be taken on October 12th, 2013 in Blacksburg, Virginia. It will be in the middle of a play in the third quarter, and on a hurried pull taken from the sidelines during the Pitt game, but if Bud Foster sees a trophy deer anywhere, it's going down with one clean shot, even in the parking lot of Lane Stadium. Foster will clean and field-prep the deer in 14 minutes on the sidelines and sew together a jaunty deerskin cap for Coach Beamer as a victory gift during the fourth quarter.
14. Kentucky will win a national title. The football team will continue to struggle, however.
15. Jadeveon Clowney will stop accruing sacks sometime around November 1, and will instead alleviate his boredom by crediting teammates with sacks and throwing them directly into oncoming ballcarriers.
16. In a sincere but deeply misguided moment of atonement, Brent Musburger will go entirely the wrong way and praise AJ McCarron's "thick, masculine thighs" and "rippling buttocks that dance like a pair of wiry badgers beneath an afghan."
18. In a first, the Heisman will be won by an entire nation: Qatar. When asked if voters were bribed, Johnny Manziel will sign a $100 bill, stuff it down the shirt of the closest reporter, and do the Roger Rabbit out of the room with his tongue out.
19. Lache Seastrunk will lead the league in Yards After Tearing Several Important Ligaments.
20. Washington will again meet expectations by being the most passionate team in America to lose a third-tier bowl.
21. Louisville will go undefeated and play the part of the wronged team shut out of the national championship due to weak scheduling. Boise State will also go undefeated but will be fine with going to the Fiesta Bowl again, because unlike a lot of you, Chris Petersen understands that adulthood is a lie.
22. Johnny Manziel touchdown celebration No. 1: takes off shirt, revealing giant chest tat of Mark Emmert's face.
23. Oregon will run faster, score more points than they did in 2012, and lose one game to Stanford, because Puddles is the real genius behind Oregon football and has been calling the plays for the past six years.
24. Skip Holtz has a job and will have a job at the end of the year, because mystery is an important part of life.
25. Your grandmother meant everything to you. She taught you kindness and strength and never missed a birthday. When your family lost the restaurant, she didn't say a word. She let you come over on Friday nights while your parents worked out the end of their marriage well out of earshot. Seeing her lying there in the coffin, you think: what is a person's legacy? Where does that live? What love fills a room not just for minutes, but days, and years? What steadfast soul- [an Alabama fan storms your grandmother's funeral]
WOOOOO! ROLLL TIIIIIIDE! GRANNY CAN'T BEAT SABAN! PUT ANOTHER HEADSTONE IN SABAN ACRES, CAUSE EVEN GRANNY CAN'T SURF THIS TIDE! FIFTEEN! FIFTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN, Y'ALL!!!!
26. Johnny Manziel touchdown celebration No. 2: produces sharpie from sock, signs every face that leans over the endzone rail, gives each a dollar bill supplied by waiting teammates, puts on Santa Claus hat and signs "Ho-ho, hoes" on the goal post.
27. Houston Nutt and Ron Zook are on the same college football television show and WHY ISN'T THIS A BIGGER DEAL ESPECIALLY WHEN NUTT IS ALREADY OPENLY GOING INSANE ON AIR. They'll be doing this all year long, and the odds of Houston Nutt confessing to shooting a mule for sassin' him are off the board, because it's probably already happened.
28. The donkey will stumble into the studio during the story, bleeding but still alive. "Belinda! You supposed to be dead!" Ron Zook will then name the donkey starting running back.
29. Gary Danielson will note that the spread offense is dead, most likely during a game where a spread offense produces 500 yards of offense, 42 points, and a victory.
P.S. Gary Danielson's wife left him for a shovel pass TE triple option out of a four wide set seven years ago, and he has not been the same man since.
30. Urban Meyer will continue to deny he is the Cleveland Torso Murderer. AND YOU'LL JUST SIT THERE AND LET HIM DO IT, AMERICA.
P.S. The murders happened in the 1930s, but a coach is accountable for everything, and that's why they pay you the big bucks, pal.
31. Ohio State will score 40 points a game with one of the country's most dynamic offenses. They will also lose to Purdue. There is no reason to expect this to happen save for the retired Joe Tiller catching a magical fish that granted him three wishes during the offseason. "Nash Bridges" is coming back for new episodes, and you can thank ol' Joe for that, too.
32. Johnny Manziel touchdown celebration No. 3: crosses goal line, pulls out iPad from flak jacket, flashes screen showing Wikipedia entry on cartels at camera, nods menacingly. Signs iPad. Throws into crowd, screams, "ECONOMICS, BITCH."
33. The UGA fan flowchart for this year will be:
- If Todd Gurley is at running back, demand Keith Marshall.
- If Keith Marshall is in at running back, demand Todd Gurley.
- If the ball is passed, demand that it be run.
- When doing this, yell, "RUN THE BAWWWLLL, BOBOOOOOOO," loudly.
- If the ball is run, demand that it be passed.
- Go Dawgs.
34. Nick Saban will have his third-string in against Georgia State in the third quarter, keeping casualties to a modest total of 28 dead and 49 injured.
35. Johnny Manziel touchdown celebration No. 4: crosses goal line, puts on Cam Newton mask while teammate holds cardboard thought bubble over his head reading, "IT'S AN ONGOING INVESTIGATION."
36. Jeremy Hill, LSU running back, will commit an assault captured on video. However, just like blindsiding a guy in a parking lot, beating up on Kent State will earn him no punishment from Miles.
37. In response, Gary Patterson will list Devonte Fields as his starting quarterback vs Oklahoma.
38. Just a warning for the Arkansas press in advance: Bret Bielema will not be wearing pants behind that podium for the postgame press conference, ever.
39. A depressed Blake Bell will channel his sorrows at not being named starter by inking his own comic book "Bellboy," a supernatural thriller about a giant demon born to destroy the universe who'd rather play football, even if he has to live in Oklahoma and file down his horns to look normal. Nothing in this graphic novel will be fictional.
40. Contrary to offseason reports, Tajh Boyd will not be scared of Jadeveon Clowney when South Carolina plays Clemson. This is because after the fourth sack your nerves die, and fear is no longer transmitted to the body in the form of pesky, life-preserving chemicals.
41. Alabama fans will complain about this team having "too much offense for their own good." That's not a joke: this is something they will do during the season. This is a legitimate prediction.
42. Blue Monday -- which happens sometime in late January -- is supposed to be the saddest day of the year, but nerd scientists clearly forget that Missouri and Tennessee play on November 2, 2014.
43. Washington State will start four walk-on offensive linemen against the Auburn Tigers to start the season. This is also not a joke. This is happening.
[Finding Nemo. SCENE: Marlin sits, holding his only son.]
Marlin: Coral? CORALLLLL?
[Alabama fan cruises by in research submarine]
[Alabama fan makes duh-duh-DUUUUHHHH-duh noise with his mouth]
Alabama fan: HEY CORAL! A SHARK JUST ATE THE HELL OUTTA YOU! Good luck holdin' on to that little fish! The Shark is the C.J. Mosley of the sea! He's can smell blood miles away and tastes electricity with his feet! All he does all day is find Nemo ... AND WHIP THAT ASS INTO AN AQUARIUM. WOOOO ROLL ATLANTIS TIDE!
45. "It's not easy to get this far without admitting it, but I hope my story can help others. Winning Super Bowls is important, but so is adult illiteracy. I'm a head football coach, and I'm learning to read at the age of 57."
-- Charlie Weis, stunning the world in a press conference just before a 40-point loss to Kansas State.
46. Johnny Manziel touchdown celebration No. 5: dives into end zone, which is actually a hologram covering an in-ground pool filled with champagne. The bats and ants of Kyle Field flock to the sugary mess. Animal control and HazMat teams have to be called in. This is a terrible idea for a celebration, Johnny, like, now you're just showing off.
47. The starting quarterback at USC will be Mark Sanchez, playing under his stage name "Max Wittek." He will be play horrendously and be benched in game three for the equally mysterious "Pat Beinart," a walk-on with a strange blonde dye job and an unconcealed BCS championship ring on his hand.
48. Blake Bortles will be the best quarterback named Blake Bortles in college football. BOOK IT.
49. You might think one game couldn't contain 10 interceptions between two teams, but Florida State-Florida is here to show you that impossible is just a word.
50. One of these will happen on a punt. Not a fake punt, but a real punt-punt.
51. Auburn will succeed in being the fastest team to ever play in the SEC, snapping the ball with an average of 18 seconds left on the playclock on every play. Gus Malzahn, male nurse, promises that the bad part will be over fast, Auburn fans.
52. Johnny Manziel touchdown celebration No. 6: crosses goal line, squirrel-kicks a waiting papier-mâché Mack Brown figure, which explodes in a cloud of real cash.
53. Vanderbilt's James Franklin is getting into a fight on the field this season. Animal cruelty charges are a hard rap to beat, but standing up for your players after getting attacked is a small price to play for your team. Besides, the bulldog bit him first.
54. Joe Tessitore will walk into a Buffalo Wild Wings on a road trip and things REALLY WILL GET CRAZY JUST LIKE IN THE COMMERCIALS.
55. Taylor Martinez will lead the nation in mind-boggling rushes in 20-point losses.
56. Coaching on the sidelines from an armchair with a built in toilet seat and functioning plumbing might indicate to most that a coach had given up on life entirely. Yet for Kirk Ferentz, it's more about comfort and total focus, and definitely not on being totally unfireable.
57. Iowa will lead the Big Ten in the important offensive category of lateral yardage. "We call it the Fiddler Crab Offense. It goes sideways, and quickly," says offensive coordinator Greg Davis, who will wear a crab costume during games this fall because Kirk Ferentz does not care if he lives or dies anymore.
58. Brady Hoke will win the Big 10, which is a plus-size modeling contest. Dude can sport the hell out of a jean jacket.
59. A tearful Mark Dantonio will burn his Zubaz and plot bitter revenge one 2.5-yard run at a time. That was the only beige Zubaz ever made.
60. Kevin Wilson will do the best job a coach with a jaw frozen shut from tetanus has ever done in guiding the Indiana Hoosiers to a scintillating five-win season.
61. A frantic Lane Kiffin will scream, "No! Don't tweet that! Noooo! Burritos always doooooo this!" as he fumbles with a collapsing burrito in his last press conference as USC head coach following a 34-12 loss to UCLA. "There's just so many beans in this thing dawww they're on my shirt," he will say, dropping the whole thing to the floor and kicking lettuce towards the reporters.
62. Marqise Lee will be made mostly of duct tape by the end of the season, and will have a shoe stuffed with paper attached to the point on his leg where is foot used to be. He will still lead the Pac-12 in receiving.
63. A call from the USC-Colorado game in Boulder in November: "Upon further review, the receiver caught the ball, dragged one crutch in bounds, and then his frostbitten stub went out of bounds. First down, USC."
64. Johnny Manziel touchdown celebration No. 7: crosses goal line, grabs stadium P.A. mic, yells out "I LIVE FOR THAT DOWNTON ABBEY SHIT!"
65. De'Anthony Thomas will become the first player to Instagram a touchdown in real time.
66. Mike Leach will demand to be addressed at Mike The White. He will walk the sidelines in a sparking white robe, holding a gleaming wizard's staff. This is pretty standard for Leach, but it helps to remind the newcomers here. The staff will have an assortment of deep sea fishing lures. Do not touch them, because you know not their power.
67. Bob Stoops will announce Oklahoma's team motto on a series of wristbands: LIALAFAVYHMYAYARCIAMUM, or "Love is a lie, and friends are vultures you haven't met yet, and you are replaceable cogs in a mean, uncaring machine." Each wristband costs a player $50. Do you care about this team, or don't you?
68. Johnny Manziel touchdown celebration No. 8: crosses goal line, spraypaints "MY COLUMN --->" on the field, stands at end of arrow making it rain with invisible money.
69. Colorado will not win eight games, or even five, which is a real shame because Lee Corso choosing Colorado for a GameDay pick by firing up a buffalo-head bong on camera would be the greatest moment in college football TV history.
70. That is a joke. Jim Knox doing this on camera this season for real is not. He's doing this. It is happening.
71. Seven will be injured when Virginia Tech plays squeaky basketball shoe sound effects over the P.A. in Lane Stadium, causing a rush of tens of UNC fans out of the stands in the direction of the noises. All seven UNC football fans will receive treatment for minor injuries and a basketball to hold for psychological comfort.
72. You will finish your entire beer when Verne Lundquist announces, "IT'S NKEMDICHE AND NKEMDICHE ON THE TACKLE."
73. Florida wins not one, but two games by go-ahead safeties. (One of them will be against Toledo.)
74. "Say my name," said Paul Johnson of Georgia Tech, standing in the desert and holding a Sun Bowl Trophy.
"SAY MY NAME."
"You're damn right."
75. You will not like that Notre Dame is guaranteed a spot in the College Football Playoff in the 2014 Farm Bill, but lobbyists and Notre Dame fans are people too, as stated in H.R. 1783 "Lobbyists and Notre Dame Fans Are People Too Despite Having Cold Blood, Being Oviparous, and Eating Flies For Like Every Meal." (Sponsor: Rep. Monitor Lizard Who Went To Holy Cross.)
76. In week three of Utah's season, exactly 27 minutes and 43 seconds into the game, Dennis Erickson will have earned enough money for a new pontoon boat. Not just a party barge, but the one with the rail-mounted propane BBQ grill and the ski tower. At that moment he will disappear forever, and Brian Johnson will assume full possession of the title of offensive coordinator.
77. The Utah student section rushed that previous entry twice before regulation was over, plus once in overtime.
78. Hang cleaning isn't usually done shirtless on the sideline, but Colt Lyerla gets bored.
79. In a memoir dictated into his headset during the Philadelphia Eagles' 2014 season, Chip Kelly will reveal that he continued to call plays via text for several years after leaving the Oregon Ducks because, "I get bored, too."
80. Kansas State will lose to North Dakota State in the opener, and no, this is totally written before that happened!
81. Despite what he heard on Reddit, yelling, "Am I being detained?" at oncoming tacklers does nothing to keep Zach Mettenberger from being sacked five times by TCU.
82. At some point, Paul Finebaum's appearance on College GameDay will trigger the playing of the Backstreet Boys' "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely," even without anyone at GameDay piping it into the system.
83. MICK JAGGER WILL REMAIN A GREAT ENTERTAINER.
84. Jim Mora will end Lane Kiffin's career at USC, then take the Washington job, because the 2005 USC coaching staff killed his ma and his pa in a prairie cattle raid and vengeance is all he lives for.
85. Jim Mora will then take a horrible NFL job a year after this and bomb out in three years.
86. Duke will continue to ignore upstart coach Mike Krzyzewski and prove that football schools just can't appreciate good basketball.
87. No, that won't be Randy Edsall slinking through a back alley in Baltimore, cash in hand and looking to buy a bucket of fresh, black-market ACLs. Besides, Baltimore's known for its kidneys. You want a good fresh ACL, you go to Alabama and the Nick Saban School Of Rural Medicine.
88. This year's hottest precipitation-stopping play and forcing hours of delays: HAIL OF CRONUTS.
89. Gary Nova of Rutgers will slum it by picking up extra snaps for the New York Jets, heroically NOT running face-first into his center's ass.
90. The NCAA will review his case and determine Nova's eligibility was not compromised, because "we only disqualify in instances of players playing for professional teams."
91. Oregon State's Mike Riley will appear at your door, give you a hug, personally encourage you to watch Oregon State's game on Saturday, and then ask how little ol' Skipper is doing. Who's Skipper? The labradoodle puppy Mike Riley just pulled from his pocket and put in your arms, because Mike Riley loves you so much. There's a coupon for three months of dog food at PetCo, too. Mike Riley is a lover, but he's a planner, too.
92. The West Virginia Mountaineer will also bring you a dog. Actually, you're not sure that's a dog, but it's tied up under your car, making unspeakable noises. Its name is Steven, if you believe in government names.
93. Illinois football won't win a game unless it comes down to penalty kicks.
94. Pitt will return to Birmingham for a fourth time for their bowl game, all part of a plot to technically qualify Pitt as residents, thus partially liable for Jefferson County's bankruptcy. It works, and the American Conference is sold to Qatar after just a year in existence.
95. Pitt gets floating stadium built by Qatari sheikhs, so it kind of works out.
96. Mike London will leave UVa and return to work as a vice cop, citing "better tackling skills wanted in my co-workers."
97. Indiana football will make a bowl game, losing when offensive coordinator Tom Crean is confronted with a zone defense.
98. National champions Ole Miss will not know how it happened either, but they'd like to thank Notre Dame for playing a great 38-3 game.
99. Texas coach Mack Brown announces a new contract extension until the year 2035 from a local Arby's. He promises improvement for next year, while noting, "the only kind of turnovers you don't want to avoid are the delicious ones at your neighborhood Arby's." [/cashes check]
100. You'll welcome new USC coach Bobby Petrino with open arms, hater, and like it.