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Taking other quarterback gestures as literally as we take Johnny Manziel's

It's very important that Johnny Manziel pretended to play with money and sign autographs while insta-demolishing the Rice Owls. What if we held other quarterbacks to the same super-literal standard?

Thomas Campbell-USA TODAY Sports

Well-known athlete Johnny Manziel did some things on Saturday. He had the most compressed football game anyone's ever had, considering both his impact on the outcome (the Aggies scored nearly as many points in this 20 minutes as Rice scored all game) and the solid week of constipation he provided for sports-talkers.

Because he pretended to play with money (which he and his teammates did last year, too), he's admitting to have taken money against NCAA rules. So the thinking goes, I guess. Because he pretended to sign an autograph while jabbering with an Owl, he's admitting to have sold his autographs! Because he pointed to the sky after scoring a touchdown, he was admitting to poking a hole in the ozone layer!

ESPN's Sunday college football coverage (there were games!) took quite a few Johnny breaks, giving us a hint as to what the next week's going to look like. Mark May, Matt Millen, and Lou Holtz took their turns. They informed us, respectively, that:

  • Manziel is not acting like a professional despite not being a professional. And that Millen thinks Jadeveon Clowney's NFL Draft stock is in danger.
  • Gleebledorbop shoblopglowglow glowmen glowmork morgok Burn Notice sh'abap sh'awwwwwwwwwww kabaw kabawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This is all I could make out of May's comments. Perhaps your transcription was better than mine.
  • Lou Holtz will absolutely choke you.

Sure, much of the concern had more to do with Manziel pointing at the scoreboard and thereby earning a flag for taunting an Owl. Coach Kevin Sumlin didn't like that gesture, either. But still, just another gesture. The scoreboard is there. Do you see it? I have pointed it out for you, so that you can see which team is winning. Thank you for watching my gesture.

So let's make a big deal out of some other famous quarterback gestures.

Kellen Moore

Advocate of gun violence. Shooting his own head coach, in fact. In the Kibbie Dome, which poses ricochet risk.

Aaron Rodgers

Has a special golden belt, which he took from another man after beating him unconscious with a chair made of steel. Look up. Aaron Rodgers is jumping off something toward you with his elbow out. He wants to take your special golden belt, too.


Colin Kaepernick

Isn't just in a relationship with his arm. He also has an agenda that will force you to be in a relationship with your arm. Now kiss Frank Gore's arm.

Mark J. Rebilas, USA Today

Tim Tebow

Oklahomans are a landlocked people. They do not see many alligators. I Googled a map to prove it. Here, Tim Tebow threatened a landlocked Oklahoman with alligator-mauling, the most terrifying of things you can do to an Oklahoman.

Cam Newton



What other athlete gestures should we be very disappointed with?

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