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This Week In Schadenfreude: Michigan's Russian hackers and Kansas hockey

Presenting this weekend's most unhinged college football fans on the internet, even though it was mostly just everyone else gawking at Michigan. Get angrier, people! This isn't baseball!

Brian Kersey

I'm going to just come out and say it: schadenfreude levels were dangerously low in Week 5. Though I don't feel experienced enough in this field to call myself an expert, there are a few root causes that, in my opinion, contributed to such a poor spleen output:

  1. Only two ranked teams lost. One was an Arizona State team that got beaten by a better and more highly ranked UCLA squad, and the other was a South Carolina team whose own coach insisted wasn't very good.
  2. Several teams -- Tennessee, Arkansas, NC State, Washington -- came oh so close to upsetting a ranked team but couldn't close it out. That left fans of the winning teams feeling very "hey, a win's a win, also here are the eight things I would change if I was the coach" and the fans of the losing side feeling very "well, we really hung in there, also here are the nine things the coach should be doing, I am an expert."
  3. Literally everyone is leaning on the at-least-we're-not-Michigan angle. Hard.

But, much like a dad forced to pack his child a lunch of saltines, beef jerky, and a film canister full of rainbow sprinkles, I will give you spleen. Only one spleen per team, mind you. But spleen all the same. We're gonna make it through the winter, dammit!

ACC

Pitt lost to (checks notes) Akron? The same Pitt that has a lengthy transitive property win over Stanford? I ... what? What is the problem here, Cardiac Hill?

Play Like Men!
Playing with No Heart Make us all want to Vomit

If the lack of enthusiasm continues, then yes; coaching changes (not necessarily the Head Coach) will have to happen soon as matter of survival for ALL coaches.
The coaching staff will need Impose Fear There is no excuse for this display of gutless performance! This is a Man's Sport - Play Like Men! Hail To PITT - Pop

The tone and wording of this comment suggests that Pitt football is a failing totalitarian state. Or possibly a medical device purchased on the black market.

This is the first comment on Tar Heel Blog's game thread for UNC's eventual loss to Clemson:

50 points
I do not believe in moral victories. Having said that it would be a mark of progress to hold Clemson under 50 and to be within two possessions at the end. I just want to see the Heels compete.

Final score: Clemson 50, UNC 35. But the two-possession thing happened! Hooray for the clearing of extremely low bars!

BIG TEN

It feels somehow cruel to include Michigan this week. Sure, losing to Minnesota for the first time since 2005 is bad, but the discussion and anger amongst Wolverine fans has rightly been on the team's shoddy handling of injured quarterback Shane Morris.

But this MGoBlog comment is too amazing to ignore:

oregon
Richrod beats oregon again and I'm changing my mgoblog name to TrollPhilIWillFindYou . I will hunt you uh "not so smart about football and how teams come together to win" , pejorative, "fans" down ...one by one... (i have russian hacker friends...), and personally visit you to yell at you about NOT supporting "the team, the team, the team" but instead being entitled, uh... not so brainy, arrogant with no reason (eg 2007 rosebowl chant "over rated...", uh cabesa de cacas. If one of footballs best coaches does not win, well i hate your guts anyway and I'm sure thats more than most of you, including many of my close friends whom i now only love/hate..

"Hello, Russian hacker friends? It's TrollPhill."
"Hey, TrollPhill. What's up?"
"I need your help hunting down my enemies one by one."
"Ooo. We are Russian hackers and therefore bound by no moral code. Will you be killing these people or merely injuring them gravely?"
"I'm just going to yell at them about not supporting Rich Rodriguez."
"..."
"Also, I can't pay you."

Riding the momentum of their road upset of Missouri, the Indiana Hoosiers promptly got walloped at home by Maryland. And one Crimson Quarry commenter warned you about the dangers of believing.

I have been trying to warn you all
you are enthusiastic, you have hope, you have high expectations and that just increases the disappointment and heartache.
Lower your expectations, expect a loss and be surprised by a win.
Don't even think about a bowl game until the day after it is announced that we made one.
This is Indiana FOOTBALL.
This is not new.
Its been happening for a long time.
Quit letting it suck you in.
(Please take care of Purdue for the bucket though)

Don't assume your job will still be there next week. Don't think about the Fourth of July until the day actually shows up. Don't plan for lunch when it's breakfast time. This is Indiana FOOTBALL. Everything is ephemeral.

Things have gone too far for one commenter at SB Nation's Purdue site, Hammer and Rails, after the Boilermakers lost to Iowa:

I'm done will not watch another game this year while Etling is the QB
However, I don't think any of the other QB's are better on the bench, if there was they would have beaten out Etling in the summer.

So you are done with Purdue because the quarterback you believe is the best on the roster is actually playing? Sorcery! (Appropriately, this commenter's user name is "youcantwin.")

Recently bowl-unbanned Penn State looked terrible at home against Northwestern, but surely they'll get two more wins and enjoy a postseason appearance. That has to be a good thing, right, citizens of Black Shoe Diaries?

Extra practices?
Never believed that the extra practices helped seniors or juniors or hardly anyone. After practicing
August
September
October
November
Wtf will a few more practices accomplish?
What helps is DOWN time to:
GET stronger
GET quicker
GET healed
GET schemed in
The bonus is the reward of the bowl game after putting in the hard work
AND THATS ONLY IF YA WIN.
The cut off should be MINIMUM .500 in your League cause chomping on 4 cupcakes and going 2-6 in League doesnt cut it for me!!!
Posted about six times already this campaign to enjoy the wins cause this team really isnt that talented compared to the TOP 30-40 teams in the country. Time heals all wounds and new 4 & 5 star talent will fix PSU too as long as 1 is QB cause it is doubtful Hack ever has enough around him to really shine to his full potential.

YEAH PRACTICE IS FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ALREADY GOOD AT STUFF SCREW YOU PRACTICE IF YOU WERE WORTH A DANG YOU'D BE THE GAME.

Illinois Loyalty has what may be the most confusing bit of self-deprecation I've seen in some time:

Maybe. Maybe our boys can stiffen up against the run and the offense can put some points on the board.

Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

The general structure of this comment is familiar enough. It's the choice that's so odd. China has the largest air force in Asia, so it can't be that the mere concept of being a Chinese jet pilot is so absurd as to indicate that the first proposition is impossible. And that's just assuming this commenter actually meant, "Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese citizen who pilots jet aircraft," because if he's just using Chinese as a proxy for a person of Chinese heritage (though not necessarily residence or citizenship), well, the whole thing falls apart completely. Unless this is supposed to be a commentary on internet censorship in the PRC?

My point is, "Chinese jet pilot" is certainly a real thing, whereas "Illinois run defense" is not.

BIG 12

Most Texas Tech fans at Viva The Matadors were reasonably happy that the Red Raiders played a competitive game with Oklahoma State last week. Most is not all, though:

u dont give up. ever.
And thats exactly what we did. When ur down 10 w 2:50 left u give ur back up valuable reps. Only degenerate gamblers care about the covered spread. I could give two shits.

This team is piss poor. Our defense looked better like a 400lb person losing 50 pounds. We still have 3 chins and scaley skin. Fuck im done with this dumpster fire.

Its not the coach either. He did well with tubervilles players. He obviously needs 2 more recruiting defensive cycles.

Went from "u don't give up. ever." to "Fuck im done with this dumpster fire." within 10 sentences. That's EXXTREME COMMENTING.

Little did this Kansas fan know that the beginning pieces of his or her plan were already being put into place when this comment was left at Rock Chalk Talk!

I'm beyond done caring
cozart is fucking horrible, the play calling is fucking horrible, the offensive line is beyond fucking horrible. Fire everyone and kick all the players off the team and then let's disband the program and start hockey. Fuck it.

Please welcome new Kansas hockey coach Lane Kiffin!

PAC-12

Oh, Utah. You had that win against Washington State in the bag and then ... it was gone. C'mere, BlockU. Let it all out.

Wow, where do I even start.
Unbelievable. This was the crapfest of the decade for Utah football. I stand by my statements that Utah should have beaten wsu. There are literally no excuses for this. Travis Wilson was abominable. Dres Anderson couldn't catch one effing ball. WHY DOES POOLE GET TO RUN THE BALL OVER BOOKER?! EVER?! Dear Whitt: Halliday has torched your baby, the defense, to the tune of 400 some-odd yards so far: do you really think that we should punt on 4th AND FUCKING INCHES?!?!?!? Good hell, this game was a clusterfuck. How does a team have a pick 6, a punt return TD, and 150 + yards rushing and lose?!
Alright Ute fans: I hate to say this but save your hope for something else. We are going 5-7 this season, if we're lucky. This game exposed us big time and you know what? Id love to be wrong. I really, desperately, would love to be wrong, and if I am, then all is well that ends well. But I'm not wrong. Utah football isn't even a dumpster fire, because a dumpster fire could keep me warm in the cold winter that is losing seasons. Utah football is a putrid pile of stinking horse vomit adorned on the carcass of a horribly diseased cow. Ya, my panic button is officially pressed.
Prove me wrong, Utes. Prove me wrong. But I know you won't.

That's your Scott Tenorman of the Week. You can redeem this award for a conference victory, Utah fans, since it won't affect your impressive streak of never once being above .500 in Pac-12 play since you joined up in 2011.

SEC

As mentioned, South Carolina was one of two ranked teams to lose this week, collapsing down the stretch against Missouri. That has one young commenter at Garnet And Black Attack freaking out:

Running out of time
We are getting to the point where the gamecocks need to win a sec title for the fan base. Although I am only 15 i have been going to every home game since I was 8 and we as fans put so much heart into the gamecocks and it seems as if every year the team screws it up somehow. We're quickly running out of time to win a sec title; Florida and Tennessee aren't going to be this bad forever, Kentucky is looking like they have a very bright future ahead, and Spurrier is not exactly like he used to be as his play calling is showing. He is going for it on 4th and short in our own territory the first drive of the game, not only that BUT HE RUNS OUT OF SHOTGUN FORMATION, he forgets we need to go for 2, and last but not least he goes deep 4 straight plays on the last drive when he could hit some short passes and get into field goal range. Last night was the most heartbreaking game i've ever been to, and there has been plenty (Tennessee 2007, Kentucky 2010, and Auburn 2010).

Look, I get it. When you're 15, everything is a big deal. But believe me, things change. A lot. Seven years ago, when you went to your first Gamecocks home game, the following things were true:

  • Connecticut nearly won a conference title.
  • Kansas had the national coach of the year.
  • Boston College finished with double-digit wins. So did Hawaii. And Tennessee.
  • Alabama finished fifth in the SEC West.
  • Wake Forest made, and won, a bowl game.

So, no, you're not running out of time. College football is a game of ebb and flow, even at the highest level. Nobody can predict with any meaningful accuracy where a program will be five years from now. It feels like the window is closing, but take comfort in knowing that even if South Carolina hits a downslide, the future is full of promise, where anything, including a national championship, is possible.

I mean, it's not like you're a Virginia Tech fan.

NEXT WEEK

Dr. Bo got into the armory somehow! Russian hackers steal what little remains of Oregon's offensive line! Dan Mullen spits bats at his enemies, but Kevin Sumlin eats them! Texas players try to buy tickets to a Kelly Clarkson concert because they think it's still 2005!