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This Week In Schadenfreude, 2014 MAYHEM WEEKEND

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Eleven ranked teams lost in Week 6, meaning the weekly roundup of the craziest things said by college football fans has way too much to work with.

Lesson learned: never complain about a lack of college football anguish and gnashing of teeth. We got spleen for DAYS this week, people.

ACC

You have reached State Of The U, SB Nation's Miami Hurricanes blog. At the tone,

now is the time for screaming obscenities and frightening the family pet

Mine ran upstairs 30 minutes ago

If you are a highly ranked high school prospect trying to reach Inside The U, please hang up.

we should not even recruit anyone over 2 stars. our coaches we have now cant do anything with 5 and 4 stars except ruin their shot at the NFL. I wouldn't come to the da U if Golden was here or at least maybe fire Defense coach.

You have been charged $7.99 for this call, the proceeds of which will go to The Butch Davis Will Fix Everything Including My Fractured Relationship fund. Go Canes!

It was not so long ago that NC State was making a valiant effort to upset upset Florida State. Though they did not succeed, surely this was a sign that the Wolfpack were ready to contend with the upper echelon of -- no, I'm just kidding, they got destroyed by Clemson, and Backing The Pack continued the conference's weird fixation on animal abuse.

Hey, we finally joined Facebook!

Brett favre
just threw a football at his dog. Looked better than our O

This sucks so bad
I'm actually fantasizing about killing my cat. Screw tigers and everything remotely related to them

Commenters will say anything, though. What we need is the calm, balanced perspective of a writer handling a recap!

There are things I could nitpick here, probably--even in a game that plays out like this, there are always moments that cause frustration and/or the need to helplessly yell at televisions. YOU STUPID SMALL PEOPLE IN THE RECTANGLE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME.

But what would be the point of concerning myself with those things? Who cares about the chair in the living room, the whole house is on fire.

My pet bunny was in that chair, you monster. (Rest in piece, Steve Furrier.)

Losing to Virginia has one Pitt fan on Panther Digest asking some tough questions about the program and revealing some eye-opening things about his marriage.

Watching the game tonight, I don't want to say I didn't care, because I invest so much of my time following this team and have for years, but I was numb for the first time thinking "here we go again". My wife, a Purdue grad and fan watches her Boilers and hopes just to win the games they "should" and maybe get to a bowl game. I always make fun of her for having lofty "goals" for her team, but are we the same in a way? Do we essentially hope the same thing? I always think like since Pitt has a very good recruiting area, at least better than Purdue, we can get the good recruits with solid seasons and build a winner, but it has not happened yet and we have had great recruits, some of them in the NFL now.

The only good thing I can say to this poor man is that Pitt hasn't played Purdue since 1986, and there's only one bowl that features a Big Ten-ACC matchup. I pray you do not have to see your Panthers play her Boilermakers in this year's Pinstripe Bowl, sir. I pray none of us do.

Big Ten

Speaking of Purdue -- What? That's a normal thing to do. Shut up. -- the Boilermakers handed Illinois loss No. 3 of the year. The Champaign Room has thoughts:

ILLINOIS FOOTBALL MAKES BABY JESUS CRY!!

Illinois football makes baby Jesus agnostic.

Needless to say, the clock is running out for Illini coach Tim Beckman. Unless you ask this gentleman, who thought the buzzer sounded way way way way way way way long ago.

If you couldn't see that Timmy Beckman was out of his depth from the 1st minute of the 1st game of his 1st Illinois season...
you either haven't been paying attention or don't know anything (or care) about college football. He has done NOTHING in 3 years to show that he is qualified to be in charge of this program. Apparently pointing that out makes one a "hater", but at this point I don't care because I'll take the label hater over being a pinhead that has been defending this abomination of a program for the last 3 years. I can't wait to hear the defenses this week....it's like being mugged at gunpoint, having your girlfriend abused in front of you, but still not thinking anything is wrong until the guy pistol whips you at the end. Pinheads.

Mmm ... pistol whip ...

The commenter mood at MGoBlog has transitioned from one of disbelief and outrage to somber contemplation, as one Michigan fan wants to know: do the losses sting anymore?

Saturdays are ruined, thats for sure. I was still stinging about the Minny game well into last week. But I still walk around in my Michigan Football gear and my Michigan block M hat and people look at me like I'm wearing a dildo helmet on my head.

no. not even a little. and it sucks. it's like losing your sense of smell/taste. There's nothing to look forward too in the fall now except bad weather and thanksgiving. I wasn't planning on watching this game at all, but I was compelled to do it when I realized the game started. I watched most of the 1st half and slowly realized.... WTF am I doing? this gives me no pleaseure at all, I'm just watching what I know is terrible terrible football and at the half I decided to turn it off. I knew what was coming- faint attempt at a comback, just to see the backs of this team break b/c of the prep and coaching and lack of toughness.

it's been that way all year- even the ND game. All off season I was tired of the talktalktalktalktalk. It was year 4, and I knew it was a show me the money-type of year. None of the preseason fluff was worth reading, none of the insider reports got me interested. I'd heard it all before over the last 7-8 years. 4 star this and Senior laden that and youth on the field, injuries at a key position, coordinator changes-didn't matter. It's year fucking 4 and there are no excuses left. This year will tell as all if Hoke can coach a B10 title type team. So I watched that ND game like I watch Vampire Diaries with my wife: expressionless face with a stone cold blank mind just wanting it to be over. I mean, it started with some anticipation- finally Hoke will SHOW us what he's been building to the last 3 years. Well you showed as, Brady.

You showed us the worst fucking coaching job since John L smith and/or bobby fucking williams. But at least the players are trying and the lettermen are supportin you. But you know what, it just shows you that program insiders don't know jack shit about good coaching either. Good coaches fucking win football games. I don't want to hear one more letterman from 19 hundred and dickity-doo wax on about how good of a coach he is. Anyone who says that should have a permanet asterisk attached to anythign they say about football for the rest of their fucking lives.

Hoke will coach the rest of the year b/c he's too proud to quit and Brandon won't have the balls to do it since he's his guy. So I'm waiting until Brandon is gone and/or Hoke get's canned on 12/1. Maybe then I'll be able to smell or taste M football again. This is NOT Michigan under these two clowns.

First, how DARE you impugn the 19DickityDoo national championship team! Second, what does real Michigan football taste like? Actually, don't answer that. Let's just ask the most important question: where's the bottom for the Wolverines, and have they already reached it?

There
Is no bottom. I've learned as a sports fan every time I think I'm at the bottom I discover there is more. Never wonder where the bottom is. We are in a bottomless pit.

(silence) (emptiness) (the realization that human existence is but a blip on the universe's timeline)

Wisconsin fans at Bucky's 5th Quarter, fully aware of the decay occurring in Ann Arbor, see what's happening to their team and wonder...

Is Wisconsin becoming another MIchigan?

NO

Oh, thank goodness.

we cant recruit like michigan.

Well, shit.

(We do recommend you look at B5Q's suggested Andy replacements for beleaguered offensive coordinator Andy Ludwig, though, even if it doesn't include Andy Dwyer.)

Big 12

Usually we rely on Wide Right Natty Light for spleen after an Iowa State loss. It's there, to be sure, after the Cyclones lost to Oklahoma State.

Just fuck it
Fuck my headache all day.. Fuck my liver. Fuck the shelf that fell on me in my basement today. Fuck BIg XII refs. Fuck the SEC. Fuck the Big 10. Fuck the ground squirrels digging in my yard and burying nuts. Just fuck it. God dammit. This should be a Disney show tune, "Just fuck it." I'm going to need to attend church tomorrow evening due to my internets language. Fuck.

But, honestly? This commenter's got nothing on the ISU Athletic Director.

The Oklahoma venting over at LandThieves is like a waterfall in the middle of the forest. Just say nothing and let it cascade over you:

Tired of this shit.
We are all tired of OU blowing it every ****ing year. It's one of the few things we can all count on. Bills, taxes and OU pissing away another National title season. Year after year, after year, after year, after year, after year..

Same story next season too. We all know it's coming.

Sadly, It'll be awhile until we see #8. Sooner Magic is a fairy tale.

We are the Chicago Cubs of College Football.

**** you Heupel. You fat doughboy motherfucker, choke on your donut you fat ****. **** this coaching staff. 5 million a year and choke it like this. I'm tired of high hopes and squashed dreams. Get ****ed.

Football is such a ****ing lying sport. The best team never wins. Just fluke bullshit where a ****ing team can only win just because they play at home. **** this shit. Ping-Pong on ESPN Ocho >>> ****ing football.

Yes I'm drunk.

Parity has ruined college football. And great ****ing choice by adding TCU to the conference. They don't add any money and end up ****ing shit up. Boykin is a **** sucker fluke mother ****er cat mother ****er cow mother ****er hamster mother ****er.

Anyone ever drink 409 before? I will let you know how it goes.

To blame for Oklahoma's loss to TCU: the coaching staff, failed sorcery, the concept of athletic parity, conference expansion, home field advantage, bestiality, whale flukes.

Not to blame for Oklahoma's loss to TCU: chemistry, necrophilia, Chaucer, the TCU defense, international trade law, Iowa State's athletic director.

Blame unclear pending further results: cleaning supplies. Oh, and the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. You have those now, and we'll have to see what happens this week to determine if they also contribute to some bullshit Sooner loss that never shoulda happened.

Losing has become a pattern for Texas Tech, but the good people of Viva The Matadors are still finding new and exciting visuals to describe their frustrations. Some of them are brief but horrifyingly vivid:

Tech looked like drugged up buzzard puke!
Glad the ass beating is finally over

Others are more elaborate and Biblical:

Burn this mother down
I am venting and think the wheels are off of this football team..

In light of what Snyder did by coming back to K state in 2009 after being away since 2005...

Can we throw the house at The Pirate and get him to come back home..ride off into the sunset and never "play" football again?

I know what your thinking.. But.. What if the entire city of Lubbock, the entire tech alumni base, and all other t-shirt fans rolled in sack cloth and ashes and showed public displays of remorse and affection for Leach.. Followed by a hance pants-ing? It's possible.. Right now.. That's the only thing that would make me happy.. I am extremely delusion.. And down on TTU football... Sux

And another is confusingly put into image form despite it consisting only of text:

Seriously, why did you make this image? Is it some sort of Magic Eye and if I look at it the right way I'll see a hidden picture of a dolphin screaming "KLIFF'S JUST A PRETTY BOY DUMMY?"

Pac-12

OREGON LOST TO ARIZONA IT WAS VERY UNPLEASANT IF YOU ROOT FOR THE DUCKS AND YOU CAN ONLY TALK ABOUT IT IN ALL CAPS THAT'S HOW IT WORKS AT ADDICTED TO QUACK SEE

REMEMBER WHEN OUR DEFENSE WAS ON THE FIELD ALL THE TIME BECAUSE OUR OFFENSE WAS ACTUALLY GOOD?

CAN WE HAVE A MORATORIUM ON PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE GOOD TIMES
IN THESE DAYS OF PAIN AND DARKNESS?

IT'S FRUSTRATING TO SEE A ONCE-POTENT OFFENSE SPUTTER, YES.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE
THIS IS VOMIT-INDUCING. WHERE IS THE OREGON OF YESTERYEAR? WHO ARE THESE IMPOSTORS, THESE HORROR-FILLED PRETENDERS??????

WAIT I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT THE PAST.

I'm not sure I have mentioned this previously
BUT THIS TEAM IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL ME. I NEED TO GET A HOBBY OR SOMETHING.

IS THIS YOUR JOB BECAUSE THAT'S PRETTY COOL EVEN IF OREGON DOESN'T WIN THE CONFERENCE.

NEXT PRACTICE
TACKLING DRILLS

NO CELEBRATING DRILLS

TIED THAT JOKE UP WITH A BOW

DO YOU GET IT

ANYWAYS

This is more depressing than watching us lose the bcs game, Stanford and zona , blazers losing back to back NBA finals
COMBINED

Thank goodness. I know it's just typed, but I swear that was all giving me a headache OH GOD YOU SPRUNG ALL CAPS ON ME AT THE END MY EARS ARE BLEEDING.

It's already well-established that Stanford's terrible at rage. Sloppy would be a kind term for that loss to Notre Dame, and yet this comment at TheCARDBoard is about as angry as things got for Cardinal fans:

Our offense, from playcalling on down, is difficult to love.

Damn you, robots.

There were two Pac-12 games in which defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory. One was USC's loss to Arizona State on a Hail Mary that was essentially undefended. And you are here because you want to see the comments that came rolling in immediately after that Hail Mary. We are here to provide. First, from Conquest Chronicles:

Seriously?

Unbelievable
That was awful.

I can't believe I just watched that

jesus
what the hell was the secondary trying to do

we dont need the NCAA we sanction ourselves by hiring incompetents like Kiffin and Sark
we deserve this loss

And more from FightOn247:

WOW?!?!?!?!!?!? WTF!!!!! I REALLY HATE THIS COACHING STAFF!

Fjdjejwifj5jdjj ed o Dr ykjrk3rjjejj!!!!!!!!

FIRE THE STAFF NOW!

LET HIM CATCH THE FUCKING BALL WHY DON'T YOU

The other heartbreaking end came at the expense of Washington State, which wasted a record-setting performance by Connor Halliday by missing a 19-yard field goal that would have given them the win over Cal. Where we gave you volume for USC, one comment from Coug Center summarizes this game perfectly:

This the worst "Coug It" ever

Yes. Yes it was.

SEC

Pawwwwwwwwl I just don't think this Schadenfreude's worth a damn I'm more of a Schadenjung fan myself and he'd tell ya Ole Miss shares the same dang collective unconscious as Nick Saban which means the Tide won after all ROLL BAMA ROLL!

Unfortunately, Alabama's loss in Oxford didn't just hurt Crimson Tide fans. Schoolchildren in Georgia were made to suffer as well:

TWIS Week 6  1

But a quiz is over in a matter of minutes. These cautious, balanced Alabama supporters were so devastated by the loss that they committed to more lasting changes. Like:

whelp.
Not going to any more home games.

Selling my tix for this year.

We just lost to ole miss. One of the worst teams historically in the sec.

Gave them a historical win.

Or:

Guess it's time to jump on that soccer bandwagon I've heard so much about

Or:

I'm out of whiskey and the wife has hide the keys to my truck
fuck it i'm walking

You don't think that last one's a long-term decision until you find out he just keeps walking for years, like Forrest Gump. The most brutal criticism, however, was reserved for the post-game thread.

Saban has done as good a job with special teams
as he did raising Kristen.

That's entirely unfair. Everyone knows the difference between Alabama special teams and Kristen Saban is she puts up a fight.

LSU's struggling early in conference play, and that means it's time for someone at TigerDroppings to explain why Les Miles is the greatest failure in human history.

Beat this horse to death!
How much longer will LSU put up with mediocrity? How much longer will they allow Les miles to coach, until he retires, or until all the other teams in the SEC West have caught up to team's the talent level... oh wait? Les Miles has been winning on solely talent alone ever since he came to LSU. He gets paid 4.5 million/yr. to cross his arms and be bull-headed on the sideline, play way to conservative, and have poor clock management... He cost us the National Championship in 2011, and has cost us several wins over the years. LSU will NEVER win another National Championship or SEC championship for that matter with Miles at the helm. LSU needs to hire a fire-ball coach who shows passion on the sideline and coaches up his players. Don't look now but this trend of arse whoppings is about to be common for football at LSU until change is made. I always be an LSU fan, win or lose purple and gold for life... but this is ridiculous... good thing I have hunting season to look forward to this fall so yes beat this horse to death until change happens

Just so we're clear, this commenter isn't suggesting that LSU find a coach with a more fiery temperament to replace Miles. He wants them to hire an actual ball of fire. Preferably one who knows when to use a timeout. (Coach Sentient Fireball will inevitably beat Florida three out of four years, so it's not a terrible plan.)

Florida won; if you think that means they're exempted from appearing in This Week In Schadenfreude, ahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahaaahahahahaaahahahahahahaahahahaha NOPE. Please welcome to the stage Alligator Army!

I'll throw this to y'all:
What would you do on the first drive of this second half?

fire Will Muschamp

That didn't happen, of course, though what actually did start the third quarter only reinforced the wisdom of that answer.

TWIS Week 6  2

This invited some less than flattering comparisons.

When did Blaine Gabbert
have a brother named Jeff Driskel

Though quickly brain functions just started to break down entirely for Florida fans.

SO ANGRY CANNOT EVEN THINK OF WORDS TO SAY THINGS
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And although it was ugly, the game ended with Florida on top, like one corpse stacked on top of a second corpse.

South Carolina fans would have LOVED to be that top corpse, and they were in position to do so until Dylan Thompson threw a tipped pass pick-six late in the fourth quarter. Garnet and Black Attack commenters were less than thrilled.

TWIS Week 6  3

It's good that one South Carolina fan was able to see the glass as half-full. Another is ... suggesting that Steve Spurrier turns into a murderous supervillain? You tell me what's going on here.

Spiderman, Spiderman, Spiderman.
Does anyone else remember the original spiderman movie where the green goblin gets fired from the company he created? It seemed messed up in the movie but for the company it was better for the future. Same goes for Steve Spurrier,while he is the reason we are what we are today he has reached the maximum potential he can reach here and it is time for him to move on, maybe not fired but we need to point out to him that it is time. We are going to need a coach who is good and doesn't always do what he is used to doing, but does what will win his team the football game, in which Spurrier has always failed to do. He's showing major signs hes towards the end of his career (forget to go for 2, lack of depth from recruiting, and doing what he wants to do). If we would've had a coach who plays his opponents weakness we would have won an sec title in the last 3 years, but it is Spurriers right to stay as long as he wants, because without him we would be like this every year at best.

If only Green Goblin had gotten one more recruiting cycle. That damn Daily Bugle never gave him any credit for building a death glider franchise where Lou Holtz had failed.

Oh, and we need to talk about the other half of that Gators-Vols abomination. Chris Pendley of Rocky Top Talk made a valiant effort to say the craziest thing possible during this game:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAH
this is the worst game I've ever seen and I watch ACC football for fun

People don't even play ACC football for fun. But Chris isn't even making the medal stand; this fine gentleman's winning gold, silver, and bronze with ease:

You, sir, are not just the Scott Tenorman of the Week. You might be the Scott Tenorman of the whole 2014 season.

Finally, we turn to Good Bull Hunting to get our first look this year at Aggie spleen. Turns out it's just like everyone else's! Pronouncements of doom ...

OH MY
EVERYTHING THAT COULD BE GOING WRONG IS GOING WRONG

... seamless pivoting when accusations of referee bias are proven inaccurate ...

TWIS Week 6   4

... suggestions that these dang kids need less video game time and more injuries ...

Focus?
What focus? Are we too "unfocused" because they have TOO MANY playthings in the new player playground of Kyle Field? Are they spending too much time on the Maroon billiards table and X-Box Madden 2014 games? Maybe they should spend more time catching balls until their hands bleed...

... and, of course, transubstantiation.

I A M SCOTCH

Gig 'em, Scotch.

NEXT WEEK: I can't even think about that right now.