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This Week In Schadenfreude: Frank Beamer can't win

In the literal sense, and also in the figurative one.

Even in a relatively slow week, the college football commenter universe is full to the brim with people who think we should fire everyone because they don't care about the team and this is the worst loss in the history of things being lost. That universe should include the Notre Dame faithful, who lost to Louisville at home when the Irish missed a late field goal. But it does not, because we cannot venture to ND Nation two weeks in a row. Call it what you will -- cowardice, dereliction of duty, a medically sound decision for one's self-preservation -- but I will not do it. The body and mind need rest before going into that cavern again.

ACC

This was a no-win moment for Frank Beamer:

I don't mean that in the literal sense, equally true though it may be. What Beamer's doing here is normal, if not expected; Virginia Tech's opponent has just missed a field goal that would have ended the game, and the Hokies still have a chance to win. Taken in that limited context, celebrating isn't weird or sad. That, of course, is not the end of the context. Once you add "Wake Forest" and "0-0," Beamer's mere presence in the shot was going to lead to ridicule. Frank Beamer could have been healing a sick child with one hand and composing the most perfect symphony with the other; if the screen said "VT 0, Wake Forest 0, End of Regulation," we'd still mock him. And rightly so.

Even worse? Some members of The Key Play family, whether they knew it or not, predicted this outcome earlier in the game.

On the upside, this terrible game is moving along quickly and inevitably to a 0-0 overtime.

Prescient.

OT favors Wake in my opinion as they start in FG range, our offense has had so many negative plays we are likely to take ourselves out of range.

(gasps) HOW DID THIS PERSON KNOW ARE THEY A WITCH?

Hokie Nation set to implode in 5...4...3...eh fuck it, WE LOST TO FUCKING WAKE FOREST!!!! THE DOORMAT OF THE ACC!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!! This loss in my opinion is every bit as damning as that fucking JMU game in 2010. This program is a officially a laughing stock, time to go Frank. I'm thankful for everything you did but you gotta go!

If you're thankful for everything Frank Beamer's done at Virginia Tech, that means you're also thankful for this 6-3 double overtime loss to Wake Forest. That's very kind of you, really.

Miami nearly beat Florida State two weeks ago. So naturally they got hammered by a Virginia team that had only beaten two ACC opponents this season. What say you, fine citizens of State of The U?

The road of Irrelevance, how true; it is just amazing how long UM has used their brand to remain attractive: 10-12 years ?
If a return to the Jimmy J days of glory is the goal, then UM must dig deep in their pockets and bring back a Butch D or Greg Schiano. Schiano is coaching his son in HS over in Tampa, so he may be interested this time around.

Everyone knows you have to throw a ton of money at coaches who are working on television or in high school. Greg Schiano's not even turning down the volume during his mid day viewing of NCIS for less than three million a year.

i don't lie my head on Al Golden's pillow at nite...
I don't see Mark D'nofrio's face staring back at me in the mirror in the morning. BUT i know what I've invested in this school/team both financially and emotionally. The whole staff HAS to have more invested than me-in work in time in effort...why then do these piss poor performances seem to hurt me more than them? Do i just need to get a life?

Pretty quick to pull the "I don't sleep on Al Golden's pillow" line. Makes me think you're sneaking in his house in the middle of the night to do it. The Cane doth protest too much, methinks.

Out Everything
Out coached
Out played
Out hustled
Out desired
Out thought
Out sought

Out the door. AG sucks. He doesn't know what the fok he's doing. He can't motivate a dog to eat a steak.

Outer Mongolia. Outback Steakhouse. Microsoft Outlook. Out, damned spot!

Big Ten

The best thing that happened to Nebraska fans last week took place in an Oklahoma-Kansas game. That will get you some standard angry spleen at places like HuskerBoard.

In a season where we have probably the most talent we've had since 2009 and where we were placed in one of the weaker divisions in college football, we manage 3, maybe even 4 conference losses. ZERO WINS against a ranked team. A record setting performance put up against our defense. Twice blowing leads of 14 points.

f#*k this coaching staff. They don't deserve to make the money they make. f#*k them. f#*k them. f#*k them. Bunch of incompetent f'ing morons who think they know everything despite being constantly outcoached every f'ing Saturday. The team masked the coaching deficiencies, not the other way around.

But Corn Nation is about finding ways to deal with the future, not dwell in the past. Ways like trying new things.

So,i've never tasted Gin. My father always told me it tasted like pine tree needles,so i never got around to tasting it.

Perhaps i should try that,maybe next weekend.

Or, as Jon Johnston proposes, trying new coaches.

1. Jerry Kill
2. Pete Carroll
3. Okay, really I just want us to hire Jerry Kill.
4. Rick Pitino. No, kidding.
5. Nick Saban for $10M per year because he's tired of Alabama. I mean, really, Alabama?
6. Turner Gill. No. Why? I love him and would not want us to have him crucified.
7. THIS IS HARD
8. The guy who brews the beer I had at Essen Haus in Madison because that guy is a fucking deity.
9. Me. Why the fuck not? I could use a few millions.
10. Barney Cotton because that's my go-to answer.
11. Gin.
12. DID I MENTION THIS IS HARD?
13. A placeholder while I invent a time machine, fly through to the future, discover the next up and comer for $1M a year, but he fails because upon returning I fucked up the timeline that made him the best in the first place.
14. Jeremy Lyons, just to hear him say "You really have no idea" when asked how hard it is to coach at Nebraska.
15. The Larch. (Nudge Nudge)

It's official: Nebraska should hire gin, because time travel is too unpredictable.

After Penn State lost to Illinois, did you think to yourself, "let's go see how things are going at Black Shoe Diaries?" If not, you may be new to This Week In Schadenfreude!

Disgust -- utter disgust. Total disgust. Disgustations & vomiting.

Shoop aside
this coaching staff is a flaming pile of shit.

John Donovan needs to be strapped to a rocket a sent through a worm hole. Franklin was outcoached by TIM BECKMAN.

What an abysmal loss. More decommits coming IMO.

Inept and getting worse
To lose to Illinois is unforgivable. To lose in the way we did, a listless, unfocused, confused effort, is a momentum of mess.....

Holy fuck.
This team drives me to drink.

I lied.

This team drives me to drink and not enjoy it.
Assholes.

Talk about shirking fiduciary duties.
Franklin is the 8th highest paid head coach in the NCAA.

Could've gotten the exact same results with Bradley/Jay for a fraction of the cost.

Penn State Football Fans 2014: I'd Like To Speak To Your Manager

We have but one entry on behalf of Black Heart Gold Pants, the finest Iowa blog there is, and it is quite an entry indeed.

Only at Iowa does effort matter
Only at Iowa could we have so many people cheering on effort. We fucking lost. Yes, it was a fun game to watch, for about 30 minutes. The first half was not fun to watch. Jake Rudock was god awful, and don't say he wasn't. He missed wide open WRs, he threw check downs, he was the Ninja of Turtling. Then halfway through the third quarter it became fun again. they began to dust off the WRs and forcing Jake to make throws, and he did a good job with it. But they still lost. And Iowa fans still cheer effort.

if effort mattered I would be playing LB in the fucking NFL, but it doesn't matter. What matters is winning football games. I found it sad that some BHGP poster talked about this was the best game ever in Kinnick, and everyone cheered his ass, like OMG it was so CRAY CRAY on third downs! Really, we couldn't stop Gordon kids and our offense was anemic for over half the game.

Part of the problem is not only us, but Kirk puts too much into effort. Everyone loves the walk on story, and he built his program on walk on ands effort. But NFL caliber walk ons come along once every 5ish years. How about we build our team around talent, not effort. Effort is for high school. Walk ons and Effort get you 5-8 wins a year, every year depending on our schedule.

How about we give playing time based on talent... how about we recruit based on talent... and how about we cheer based on results. Im fine for being excited about the future after a tough game, but damn, Melvin Gordon ran for 200+ yards and yall would think we stoned him for 50. Rudock had one and a half quarters of good quarterbacking based on desperation and you would think he is the next coming of Nate Chandler. I would much rather have a quarterback and coach who doenst need desperation to start playing to win.

I refrained from commenting last night because I was pissed... I still am.

This is why coaches should never listen to fans.

"Coach Ferentz, got the latest complaints here for you to review."
"Fair enough, Jimmy. Let's hear what these fine Hawkeye fans have to say."
"Well, this one says you need to focus less on players who work hard."
"Excuse me, Jimmy. I've just been driven to apply to law school."

We likely only have one more trip to MGoBlog left this season, so let's take a moment to savor the spleen after Michigan lost to Maryland.

It's as if Glick Fieldhouse was a petri dish for shitty practices and Schembechler Hall the lab for shitty gameplans. And they confidently took the shitty gameplans and underprepared team to the games. We looked the part of a Junior Varsity squad this year. No consistency outside of disorganization. Just a bummer season.

/Brady Hoke wins Nobel Prize in Football Combustion

THIS IS THE WORST MICHIGAN TEAM EVER

players, coaches, administration

NO EXCUSES

they all need to be dumped

Ok, this is a sequel to The Purge I would watch.

Hire a WINNER!
The day coach Carr stepped down as head coach at Michigan I wanted Chris Petterson from Boise State to take over. Why? Because he knows how to win. Wether you come from an FBS school or FCS school we need to hire a coach with winning in their blood. They do NOT need to be a Michigan man! Hoke was brought in after Rich Rod with an over all losing record which astonished me. I saw this mess coming and especially saw it when my brother and I traveled to Arrlington TX to watch the Cowboy Classic Mich vs Bama in 2012. Before the game even started I remember looking at both sidelines. One was very focused and organized the other was not. Saban had his kids zoned in like a laser. Hokes not even close. I told my brother we r in big trouble not only for this game tonight but our future. I could not have been more right. If you look back that Bama game it was a turning point for Hoke. I do think Hoke is a good coach, but not ELITE. If you want to keep pace with Urban M, Saban, Etc...we must hire winners.

So who do we hire?

1.) Jim H ( if possible )

2.) Kyle Shanahan

3.) still thinking on this one!

Do you want to tell him that Rich Rodriguez won 70 percent of his games? Or should I? Hold on, I'll put you on speakerphone and we can do it together. Let's also tell him that he's won Scott Tenorman of the Week for coming up with a coaching list that is 50 percent Kyle Shanahan.

We can say two things about Purdue. First, they are strongly committed to being as Purdue as possible. Second, that commitment will eventually lead to a better world, albeit in ways we don't expect;

Big 12

Simple sentence: "Iowa State lost to Texas Tech." Simple commenter anger: found at Wide Right Natty Lite.

For fuck's sake.
Worst team ever

Fuck This
Jesus fucking christ

this is why we cant have nice things

well, that's the goddamn game
A sentence I just said aloud in an empty house

But now we have a new rallying cry for the Cyclones in 2015.

Texting with a buddy of mine that went to ND
He wants to fire Kelly. A thousand times yes, we'll take him.

He says he's tired of mediocrity
WE'D KILL TO BE MEDIOCRE!!!

"WE'D KILL TO BE MEDIOCRE!!!" is gonna look great on a t-shirt. Just don't wear it to the bank. Or the airport. Or a police station. You need to win something, Iowa State, so please accept these Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. We assume they don't trigger a bonus clause in Paul Rhoads's contract. They don't, right? Right??

Pac-12

Up and down though USC has been this season, they entered the UCLA game with a chance to take control of the Pac-12 South. They did not leave with control, and that gives the team something in common with Trojan fans at FightOn247.

We need an a$hole coach. One who isn't afraid of running up the score and doesn't give a s#it about media backlash.

This is a f'ing embarrasment. "I" can come up with a better gameplan and make better adjustments than what Sark has shown and done. We deserve better than this s#it. We should have gone after baylor's OC like a lot of people wanted last year. Sark is not the one who's gonna bring us back to being National Title contenders.

(raises hand tentatively) Um, didn't you just fire the asshole coach?

we need a fucking Ad that will stand up to the fucking ncaa, stab the fucking field and just fucking have some balls. The best thing that can happen is to lose to Nd. I hate to say this, but we need to hit the rock bottom before heads need to roll. Make a fucking real hire. Sark is a joke.

(raises hand tentatively a second time) Um, maybe stabbing is not the answer you think it is?

SEC

We close this week with one SEC entry, because most teams in the conference chose to play an FCS opponent, or Vanderbilt. Did they do so to escape the all-seeing (Editor's Note: it's really more like 1/5-seeing) eye of This Week In Schadenfreude? It is hard to imagine otherwise.

So, after watching Ole Miss get shut out by Arkansas 30-0, the burden is yours to carry alone, Red Cup Rebellion.

this is horse and cow shit

Can't we just punt on first down????
i think we should punt on every down.

I'm mindfucked.
And so is our offense...and Hugh Freeze.
I used to think MSU was a team full of pussies and that Mullen would have been canned by the end of last season.
They went from shit to bowl eligible on OUR WATCH last season.
They were 7-6 at the end of last season and stocked with 2-3 star talent...and went from that to #1 longer than anyone this season.
They aren't making excuses for any fucking thing over there in Starkghanistan.
The "buy in" and "journey" crap needs to end.
We need an identity, especially on offense, and to quit making excuses for Bo, the offensive line, and the coaching staff.
Freeze needs to grow a set, show some passion, and figure out who the fuck we are...and evolve!!!
Why? Because this team has transformed from being world beaters into...bipolar MUSH.

After the Auburn game, I drunkenly decided I was going to buy a pontoon boat with the money I usually spend on football games because it would be more fun and less heart breaking. Turn into a pontoon boat person, and catch the games on the radio/tv. Arkansas has me pondering this theory again.

Let's all get pontoon boats. Football can't hurt us on the lake.

NEXT WEEK: Almost every team is playing the team it hates most and it's going to be glorious. Absolutely glorious.