Dozens of college football teams will fail to reach bowl games this season. The number of teams that will not win a single conference all season long: 118. Half of the country's schools will lose to their most hated archrivals.
And these are just the disasters we know about ahead of time. There are others. The seven-loss traps are set, and teams with dreams of Playoff trips are going to stride right into them.
But right now is not the time to concern ourselves with reality. Here's what you need to know right now: your favorite college football team is going to rule ass this year. Your pieces are finally in place, your offense is clearly better, your defense cannot possibly be worse, and your rivals will have all spent their entire offseasons on crime, video games, flunking, potato chips, etc.
Your time is now, and the only people who can't see that are corrupted by personal hatred of you and the things you stand for. The things you stand for include winning championships in the year 2014 by being the best team.
Let us celebrate offseason homerism, which is not just homerism, but homerism that has about eight months to simmer in its own juices, becoming more and more homery with every spring practice report, recruit commitment, and local paper puff piece. By mid-August, we will all be honed into perfect victory-predicting machines, and weeks later it will hurt; it will hurt so bad.
It's only March, but by August, every single college football fan in the country will have talked himself or herself into outlandish possibilities for this season. Here are those possibilities for every FBS team, ahead of time.
ACC
| ACC Atlantic |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Players buying in like never before? |
Strength program gains? |
Underrecruited freshmen pushing for playing time? |
| Florida State |
100% |
Clemson survives until overtime |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Clemson |
12-0 |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Louisville |
12-0 |
Petrino only stays 10 years |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Syracuse |
11-1 |
9-3 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Boston College |
11-1 |
9-3 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| NC State |
10-2 |
Only upset FSU once |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Wake Forest |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| ACC Coastal |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Schedule easier than last year? |
Archrival about to fall off cliff? |
Pep in head coach's step? |
| Miami |
11-1 |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| North Carolina |
11-1 |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Duke |
11-1 |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Georgia Tech |
11-1 |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Virginia Tech |
11-1 |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Pittsburgh |
11-1 |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Virginia |
7-5 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
American
|
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Is this the season this program's been building toward this whole time? |
Momentum from last year's finish? |
Prayed up? |
| UCF |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| East Carolina |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Cincinnati |
12-0 |
American Athletic Conference |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Houston |
12-0 |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Tulane |
12-0 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| USF |
11-1 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Tulsa |
10-2 |
8-4 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| UConn |
Handsomest coach |
8-4 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| SMU |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Memphis |
Ribs |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Temple |
8-4 |
Football DePaul |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Whoever else is here |
7-5 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
Big 12
|
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Get toughest opponents at home? |
Get young opponents early? |
Get thin opponents late? |
| Baylor |
12-0 and win a lawsuit |
12-0 and lose a lawsuit |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Oklahoma |
12-0 |
10-2 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Texas |
12-0 |
 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Kansas State |
12-0 |
8-4 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Texas Tech |
12-0 |
10-2 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Oklahoma State |
11-1 |
9-3 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| TCU |
Gary Patterson retweets a non-parody account |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| West Virginia |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Iowa State |
8-4 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Kansas |
Andrew Wiggins stays |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
Big Ten
| East |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Defense getting simplified? |
Offense more multiple? |
Special teams acknowledged? |
| Ohio State |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Michigan State |
12-0 |
12-0 with dishonor (scoring too many points) |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Penn State |
11-1 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Michigan |
11-1 |
8-4 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Maryland |
10-2 |
Already happened |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Indiana |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Rutgers |
Schiano return |
Schiano return |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| West |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Bad taste in mouth? |
Chip on shoulder? |
Ants in pants? |
| Wisconsin |
12-0, bowl loss |
12-0, bowl loss |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Nebraska |
12-4 |
8-4 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Iowa |
12-0 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Minnesota |
10-2 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Northwestern |
10-2 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Illinois |
NINE AND THREE |
SEVEN AND FIVE |
YES |
YES |
YES |
| Purdue |
|
|
|
|
|
Conference USA
| East |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Finally healthy after run of injuries? |
Pads really poppin' in spring ball? |
Roster finally knucklehead-free? |
| Marshall |
LOOK AT MARSHALL'S SCHEDULE |
JUST LOOK AT IT |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| WKU |
10-2 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| MTSU |
10-2 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| FAU |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Old Dominion |
Who is this |
No one knows |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| UAB |
7-5 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| FIU |
heh |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| West |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Ignored by the national media? |
Gonna make the bloggers eat their words/hands? |
Exposing the liberal agenda? |
| Rice |
Fried |
Steamed |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| North Texas |
11-1 |
8-4 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| UTSA |
11-1 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| UTEP |
8-4 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Southern Miss |
Beard Favre |
2012, 2013 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Louisiana Tech |
7-5 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
Independents
|
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Have you seen our SCHEDULE? |
Have you SEEN our schedule? |
Have YOU seen our schedule? |
| Notre Dame |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| BYU |
12-0 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Navy |
Beating Army |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Army |
Beating Navy |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
MAC
| East |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
MAC |
#grind? |
Just need to get into the Playoff, then we're home free? |
Bahamas Bowl at absolute worst? |
| Bowling Green |
12-0 |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Ohio |
12-0 |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Akron |
Roo feared |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Buffalo |
9-3 |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Kent State |
9-3 |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| UMass |
7-5 |
Allegedly MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Miami |
7-5 |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| West |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
MAC |
Team designed for Saturdays? |
Team designed for Wednesdays? |
Team designed for Tuesdays? |
| NIU |
12-0 |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Toledo |
10-2 |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Ball State |
10-2 |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Western Michigan |
Row feared |
MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| The other Michigans |
7-5 |
Both MAC |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
Mountain West
| Mountain |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Weed legal here soon, probably? |
Gonna win bowl? |
Good at football? |
| Boise State |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
LOL "bowl" |
Yes |
| Utah State |
12-1* |
9-4* |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
| Wyoming |
FCS Championship |
7-5 |
Yes |
LOL "bowl" |
Yes |
| Colorado State |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
LOL "bowl" |
Yes |
| Air Force |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
LOL "bowl" |
Yes |
| New Mexico |
7-5 |
7-5 |
Yes |
LOL "bowl" |
Yes |
| West |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Prepared to deal with brutal, 50-degree December games? |
Gonna bust the BCS? |
Even though there's no BCS? |
| Fresno State |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| San Diego State |
11-1 |
You live in San Diego
|
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| UNLV |
10-2 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Nevada |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| San Jose State |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Hawaii |
8-4 |
You live in Hawaii
|
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
Pac-12
| North |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Just needed one more year in the system? |
Just needed one more class of pretty good recruits? |
Just needed like one other thing too? |
| Oregon |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Washington |
12-1* |
11-2* |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Stanford |
12-0 |
10-2 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Washington State |
fireball.gif |
popcorn.gif |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Oregon State |
10-2 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Cal |
Hard to say |
College football |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| South |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
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| UCLA |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Arizona State |
12-0 |
12-0 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| USC |
12-0 |
Next |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Arizona |
11-1 |
Speed 2 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Utah |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Colorado |
7-5 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
SEC
| East |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Victim of anti-SEC bias? |
Victim of anti-SEC bias? |
Victim of anti-SEC bias? |
| SEC East team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| SEC East team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| SEC East team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| SEC East team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| SEC East team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| SEC East team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| SEC East team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| West |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
In position to take advantage of hurry-up debate? |
Get Bama at home this year? |
Victim of anti-SEC bias? |
| SEC West team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Probably |
Yes |
| SEC West team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Probably |
Yes |
| SEC West team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Probably |
Yes |
| SEC West team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Probably |
Yes |
| SEC West team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Might be Bama |
Yes |
| SEC West team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Might be Bama |
Yes |
| SEC West team |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
12-0, No. 1 recruiting class |
Yes |
Probably |
Yes |
Sun Belt
| Sun Belt |
Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome |
Worst possible outcome that won't happen |
Sneaking up on everyone? |
Only problem: a little TOO underrated? |
Spunky? |
| UL-Lafayette |
LET EM KNOW |
11-1 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Arkansas State |
12-0 |
Have to hire two new head coaches |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| ULM |
10-2 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| South Alabama |
10-2 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Troy |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Georgia Southern |
State option champs |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Appalachian State |
Retain Michigan rivalry trophy |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Texas State |
9-3 |
7-5 |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
| Idaho |
wait |
what |
yes |
yes |
yes |
| Georgia State |
someone |
help |
yes |
yes |
yes |
| New Mexico State |
why |
god why |
yes |
yes |
yes |
*: Plays 13th game due to game at Hawaii. Probably wins both.
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