The 2014 fall weddings guide: College football is better than weddings

There's nothing quite like a fall wedding.

Do not get married on a Saturday in the fall.

The crisp air.

Do not get married on a Saturday in the fall.

The changing leaves.

Do not get married on a Saturday in the fall.

The holiday atmosphere.

Do not get married on a Saturday in the fall.

The lowered attendance, divided attention spans, and grumpy guests, all of whom are missing their teams probably beating Virginia.

Do not get married on a Saturday in the fall.

Why did you decide to have a fall wedding? On a Saturday? You had months to plan it. You knew your family cares more about college football than it does about your wedding. There were so many other days you could've chosen. Warmer ones!

Let's not make this mistake in 2014. Do not get married on a Saturday in the fall. But just in case you're going ahead with it anyway, here's a look at how each week looks as a potential wedding date. (They are all completely out of the question. Do not use any of them.) Here's how they stack up (horribly)!

August 30

Ceremony: LSU vs. Wisconsin in Houston. Rev. Les Miles delivers a powerful message, somehow uniting a rack of ribs with an undiscovered preposition.

Prelude and reception: Travel for a wedding? Why? Alabama-West Virginia in Atlanta, Florida State-Oklahoma State in Arlington, Navy-Ohio State in Baltimore, and Penn State-UCF in Ireland meet all your travel needs, as long as you don't travel at all.

Elsewhere we have Clemson and Georgia showing up in the same dress (these programs are eternally indistinguishable, you see), Bret Bielema demanding DJ Gus Malzahn play a slow jam, and North Dakota State leaving with Iowa State's date. And, for the old-folks table, Appalachian State and Michigan break out their beloved comedy routine.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Texas A&M and South Carolina meet on Thursday, each missing perhaps its most talented player ever. Darling, you don't need him any more. Just get out there and show him. Elsewhere, Houston Nutt takes full credit for matchmaking Boise State and Ole Miss.

Honeymoon! Sunday, the Methodists and Baptists gather in Waco, and Monday night, Bobby Petrino finalizes his second marriage with Louisville. Probably. Cold-foot advisory in effect.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

And, in speedier fashion, why none of the other college football weekends are good for weddings either.

September 6

Ceremony: Michigan State at Oregon. Uncle Helfrich insists on a four-hour, late-night ceremony loaded with special effects and party favors. Uncle Dantonio wants this thing to begin not one minute after noon and to wrap a little before 3 p.m. Vastly different denominations.

Prelude and reception: BYU-Texas, Michigan-Notre Dame, Ole Miss-Vanderbilt, USC-Stanford, Virginia Tech-Ohio State.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Arizona at (at!) UTSA on Thursday and Pitt-Boston College on Friday.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

September 13

Ceremony: Texas-UCLA in Arlington. We could've had the ceremony in Austin, but why make Jim's family travel all that way? Let's have it in Dallas instead, since that's precisely zero percent closer.

Prelude and reception: Arkansas-Texas Tech, Iowa State-Iowa, Georgia-South Carolina, Nebraska-Fresno State, Tennessee-Oklahoma, UCF-Missouri.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Houston-BYU, Toledo-Cincinnati, and the ultimate now-how-exactly-did-y'all-meet: Baylor at Buffalo.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

September 20

Streeter Lecka, Getty

Ceremony: Clemson-Florida State. What people named Dabo and Jimbo choose to do in the privacy of Doak Campbell Stadium is our business. It will be on television.

Prelude and reception: Bowling Green-Wisconsin, Florida-Alabama, Miami-Nebraska, Mississippi State-LSU, Oklahoma-West Virginia, Oregon-Washington State.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Auburn-Kansas State on Thursday. So much family, country, and slammin' into things.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

September 27

Ceremony: Stanford-Washington, with Rev. Robot David Shaw in attendance.

Prelude and reception: Arkansas-Texas A&M in Arlington, Cincinnati-Ohio State, Missouri-South Carolina, North Carolina-Clemson, Tennessee-Georgia.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Texas Tech-Oklahoma State and UCLA-Arizona State on Thursday.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

October 4

Ceremony: LSU-Auburn. The SEC West could've just had one big triple-hitching this week. But that would mean having to make something up about Arkansas' invitation being lost in the mail, bless its heart.

Prelude and reception: Alabama-Ole Miss, Arizona State-USC, Baylor-Texas, Florida-Tennessee, Nebraska-Michigan State, Stanford-Notre Dame, Texas A&M-Mississippi State, Texas Tech-Kansas State.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Arizona-Oregon and UCF-Houston on Thursday, Louisville-Syracuse and Utah State-BYU on Friday.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

October 11

Ceremony: Oregon-UCLA. These aren't actually weddings. They're just football games.

Prelude and reception: Auburn-Mississippi State, Georgia-Missouri, Louisville-Clemson, LSU-Florida, North Carolina-Notre Dame, Oklahoma-Texas in Dallas, Ole Miss-Texas A&M, USC-Arizona.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: BYU-UCF on Thursday, Washington State-Stanford on Friday.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

October 18

Ceremony: Notre Dame-Florida State. /CHAPEL BURNED TO THE GROUND BY FSU FANS FURIOUS ABOUT THE GROOM'S CUFFLINKS DESIGN AND EVERYTHING ELSE

Prelude and reception: Boise State-Fresno State, Kansas State-Oklahoma, Missouri-Florida, Stanford-Arizona State, Texas A&M-Alabama, Washington-Oregon.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Virginia Tech-Pitt on Thursday. Also, SUN BELT TUESDAY begins this week.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

October 25

Ceremony: South Carolina-Auburn. They are both good football teams, not people getting married.

Prelude and reception: Alabama-Tennessee, Arizona State-Washington, BYU-Boise State, Michigan-Michigan State, Ohio State-Penn State, Ole Miss-LSU, Texas-Kansas State.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Miami-Virginia Tech on Thursday. Also, SUN BELT TUESDAY is extra important this week, with UL Lafayette at Arkansas State.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

November 1

Kim Klement, USA Today

Ceremony: Florida-Georgia in Jacksonville. It's like getting married at your dad's spring break, but real classy.

Prelude and reception: Arizona-UCLA, Auburn-Ole Miss, Navy-Notre Dame in Maryland, North Carolina-Miami, Oklahoma State-Kansas State, Stanford-Oregon, Texas-Texas Tech, USC-Washington State.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Florida State-Louisville on Thursday, Cincinnati-Tulane on Friday.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

November 8

Ceremony: Alabama-LSU. I cannot stress to you enough that these are not actually weddings. These are all football games.

Prelude and reception: Baylor-Oklahoma, Kansas State-TCU, Notre Dame-Arizona State, Ohio State-Michigan State, Rice-UTSA, Texas A&M-Auburn, UCLA-Washington.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Clemson-Wake Forest on Thursday. Also, Tuesday and Wednesday MACTION begin this week.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

November 15

Ceremony: Ceremony canceled due to endless prelude and everyone wanting to get to the reception. This Saturday is too loaded to even pretend to get married to a football game. Cut the shit.

Prelude and reception: Dreams are getting dashed by the gazebo-load this weekend. Look at all these conference contenders on the road (just gonna list like every game here): Arizona State-Oregon State, Auburn-Georgia, Clemson-Georgia Tech, East Carolina-Cincinnati, Florida State-Miami, LSU-Arkansas, Marshall-Southern Miss, Michigan State-Maryland, Mississippi State-Alabama, Missouri-Texas A&M, Nebraska-Wisconsin, Ohio State-Minnesota, Oklahoma-Texas Tech, San Diego State-Boise State, South Carolina-Florida, Texas-Oklahoma State, UL Lafayette-ULM, Washington-Arizona, and so on. Devastation and angst await you.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Cal-USC and Toledo-NIU.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

November 22

Ceremony: The 2014 SEC-SoCon Challenge, only featuring five cupcake games and two actual SoCon teams this time around.

Prelude and reception: Louisville-Notre Dame, Oklahoma State-Baylor, Stanford-Cal, USC-UCLA, Wisconsin-Iowa.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Kansas State-West Virginia and North Carolina-Duke on Thursday, Bowling Green-Toledo on one weekday or another.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

November 29

Ceremony: Your faultless alma mater and that inbred cesspool of illiterate criminals on the ass end of the state, united forever in holy hatred, as long as you both shall live. Go cuss at your neighbor. It's hate week.

Prelude and reception: Your dad and your betrothed's dad walloping each other in the face with furniture for four hours. Then everyone gawking at UConn playing at Memphis in a conference rivalry game. Then more walloping.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Texas A&M and Texas staring over LSU's and TCU's shoulders at each other all Thanksgiving long.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

December 6

Ceremony: The SEC Championship, probably.

Prelude and reception: The other conference championships and whatever it is the American and Big 12 are doing. They believe in small gatherings.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: The Pac-12 Championship on Friday.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

December 13

Ceremony: Army-Navy in Baltimore.

Prelude and reception: The FCS Playoffs and whatnot. They're family-only weddings, but you're family.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: America.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

December 20

Brian Losness, USA Today

Ceremony: Terrible bowl games. They are better than weddings.

Prelude and reception: More FCS Playoffs.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Probably a lower-level championship or three on Friday.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

December 27

Ceremony: Probably a good bowl game.

Prelude and reception: Terrible bowl games.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: Endless bowl games.

Fit for actual wedding? No.

January 3

Ceremony: The FCS Championship.

Prelude and reception: Probably a terrible bowl game.

Bachelor/bachelorette party: No big deal. Just the first-ever College Football Playoff games.

Fit for actual wedding? No. Also, it's New Year's, you oddball.

January 10

No. The Championship Game is hours away, you oddball.

August 23

Oops. The season actually starts a week earlier than usual, with Sam Houston State and Eastern Washington meeting in the dang middle of August. So no weddings the weekend of August 23, either. Also, according to Steve Spurrier, August 16 is no good either.