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Translating the play calls of SEC football coaches

One 30-second commercial tells us volumes about these men.

1. Gus Malzahn's steady gaze and confident cadence demonstrate his belief in his offensive system. And his willingness to be videotaped saying "black patriot" proves that he has no interest in running for office in the state of Alabama.

2. "Odd Sam 3 Field Rambo" is the only play call in Derek Mason's defense, but its meaning varies with his tone. Here, it roughly translates to "though we have never met, I consider you a very good friend and would gladly walk you home."

3. Will Muschamp can't help it. His natural rage makes him put the word "punch" into words where it doesn't belong, like "poncho." He is going to dinner at Punchderosa. He calls it the punchcreas. He has two tickets to a local performance of HMS Punchafore.

4. Kevin Sumlin's a little nervous here because he didn't call a single play in the last two seasons. He certainly tried, but Johnny Manziel just heard Charlie Brown Teacher Voice the whole time.

5. Les Miles is reading an eye chart, and he will use that eye chart to beat Wisconsin by 23 points.

6. Because his entire body is very, very badly sunburnt, Butch Jones is trying his best to not move in the slightest. He has already promised to "build on his performance and take it to the Sun next season."


8. Feel the enunciation Dan Mullen puts on "wack." That's a man who's secretly written an entire rap song about how he could beat Hugh Freeze at the Presidential Fitness Test.


(crackle) "Coach Swinney, we're getting some interference on our channel."

"Don't freak out, technodweeb, just Ol' Ball Coach on your radio. I'm gonna let you listen in to every play we call this year."

"That's insane, Coach Spurrier. Why would you give us your strategy like that?"

"Ever play cards with a kid? Sometimes you gotta toss 'em a game or two so they don't grow up to be serial killers."

10. Finally, Nick Saban doesn't have to communicate in our filthy plebespeak. Playcallese is his first and favored language. One day he will teach the guy at the salad counter to speak it fluently.