Thursday, August 28th
Texas A&M at South Carolina
Steve Spurrier: "Y'all miss Texas as a rival, Kevin?"
Kevin Sumlin: "Nah."
Spurrier: "Waylllll, you're 'bout to."
Ole Miss vs. Boise State
Dr. Bo surveys the patient.
"It's just potatoes stuffed into a body stocking and wearing a Scream mask," he says grimly.
Hugh Freeze raises a hand.
"Correction. It's potatoes stuffed into a body stocking that's 1-0 against the SEC in the Georgia Dome, Doctor. I suggest an immediate quarantine."
Temple at Vanderbilt
Name both of these teams' head coaches in five seconds and you will ahahaha you already lost.
(Temple: Matt Rhule. Vanderbilt: Derek Mason.)
Week 1 game breakdowns
Saturday, August 30
Tennessee-Martin at Kentucky
Kentucky shouldn't be playing the Skyhawks. But we're not against UK blowing the doors off an FCS team. It's like putting bumpers on a bowling alley for kids. It makes them so damn happy when the pins go boom.
Alabama vs. West Virginia
Alabama will win the game of football, but West Virginia will win the game of sportsmanship!
(Pssst, your car is on fire, Nick Saban, and your hotel is empty thanks to a bomb threat. GO 'EERS.)
South Dakota State at Missouri
For the Jackrabbits, this is just a warmup for the Beef Bowl against the UW-Oshkosh Titans, so pardon them if they're not totally focused.
Arkansas at Auburn
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bert goes to the country with the family to teach them a little bit about clean farm living. But when their car breaks down in Alabama, he's forced to deal with locals, who have a lesson of their own to teach!
Clemson at Georgia
Two teams replacing major skill players with no clue how they'll perform means this game is basically one three-hour Talladega crash. Dabo Swinney would make an incredible NASCAR personality, btw. Like, one of the ones who gets testy in the pits with other drivers, but then makes a Diet Pepsi commercial with them later.
Idaho at Florida
"We just want to keep it close and win it in the fourth, boys."
"Why don't we just win it in the first quarter and run out the clock, Coach? We're a lot better than they are."
"This is why, son."
[Will Muschamp plays "Cruise (Remix ft. Nelly)" on locker room stereo, pledges allegiance to 1985 football]
Southern Miss at Mississippi State
Dak Prescott is regarded as one of the best returning quarterbacks in the SEC*, and Mississippi is no less than the eighth-best state in the union that starts with "M."**
* The SEC has no quarterbacks this year. Every game will be 17-10 and horrible. Your dad will LOVE it.
**There are eight states that start with M.
LSU vs. Wisconsin
This game is being played in Houston, where Les Miles used to work as a barge captain. Not with anyone's permission, but definitely as someone wearing a captain's hat and commanding a barge. Licenses are a scam, and that's why he works in Louisiana.
Sunday, August 31
Utah State at Tennessee
"Chuckie Keeton is the next Colin Kaepernick," says someone with zero imagination* who watches Tennessee lose this game to the Aggies.
*Or an NFL scout. Same thing.
More Week 1 breakdowns!
Saturday, September 6th
Missouri at Toledo
Gary Pinkel just plays the schedule he's given, which is why this game exists, and also why Missouri plays Bayern Munich in October.
Florida Atlantic at Alabama
FAU's head coach is CHARLEY PARTRIIIIIIIDGE, a name very difficult not to enunciate in the Dave Chappelle Rick James voice.
This is also the team that plays in Nebraska, Alabama, Boca Raton, and Wyoming in the first four weeks of the season. Plot their airline travel on a map and play "Sun Belt Team in August or Roaming Natural Gas Worker?" for fun.
Arkansas State at Tennessee
Tennessee is terrible at scheduling cupcake games: first Utah State, and now a good Red Wolves team. To be fair, the Vols do get to play Florida, so someone has to firm up the strength of schedule a bit.
UAB at Mississippi State
How a player named "Diaheem Watkins" didn't end up living in Starkville is reason to be angry enough to care about this game, Bulldogs.
Ohio at Kentucky
How you feeling about this game, Frank Solich?
Frank Solich has mastered the Tibetan art of inner fire this offseason. Ohio by FOUR HUNDRED POINTS.
Eastern Michigan at Florida
"No, just do your job, and keep it close until the fourth quarter."
"This is one of the worst teams in college football, and we are playing them at home."
[Muschamp points to freshly severed eagle's head, glares]
"That's an endangered bald eagle, Coach."
"I KNOW STUFF ABOUT THINGS."
Nicholls State at Arkansas
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bielema offers to let a neighbor pull his finger, and discovers it's a detachable bottle opener.
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
This has been an outright howler of a game recently, including last year's game in which Vandy and Ole Miss flipped the script twice in the last two minutes, aka "The Jordan Matthews Puke Game." Never sleep on the Bonobos Bowl.
San Jose State at Auburn
If you cashed in Malzahn's Starbucks Rewards cards, you could cancel our debt to China instantly. Auburn scores 50.
East Carolina at South Carolina
"Like that offense you got there, Ruffin. Too bad it can't do this."
[Spurrier pulls Dylan Thompson two snaps into game]
[Connor Mitch throws interception]
[Spurrier puts Dylan Thompson back in for next series]
"Like I said. Let's see you do that."
Lamar at Texas A&M
Cheers to Lamar, a small school in Beaumont, for staying Texas-true and using a logo that kind of looks like a bird with a cheek full of chewing tobacco.
Sam Houston State at LSU
The best matchup you'll see this year between LSU and "A Team You Always Watch In The FCS Playoffs In That Week In December When FBS Football Goes Away And Leaves You On The Barren Straits Of Life With Only FCS Football Or Maybe Eww The NFL As A Life Raft."
Saturday, September 13th
UCF at Missouri
UCF's return to the United States after "a triumphant 52-14 victory over Notre Dame in Ireland*" will be a stout test for new Tigers quarterback Maty Mauk.
*Score courtesy of George O'Leary. Yes, that game is against Penn State.
Massachusetts at Vanderbilt
- Hire Hal Mumme in 2015 to rebuild moribund football program.
- Watch Hal Mumme print up "Passachusetts" shirts and rack up 8,000 yards via a quarterback with lupus.
- Watch UMass vote to take its program back down to FCS anyway.
- Watch Hal Mumme become the next head coach of the Cleveland Browns.
Arkansas at Texas Tech
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). When Handsome Kliff the quarterback invites Bert and his husky buddies over for a pool party -- planning to humiliate the Midwesterner with a V-neck strip tease -- Bert flips the script, whipping his top off and sitting on the pretty boy until he cries!
Georgia at South Carolina
"Be honest, Mark. Todd Grantham couldn't read, could he?"
"Come on now."
Louisiana-Lafayette at Ole MIss
The leading cause of death for Cajuns in September will be heart disease. Robert Nkemdiche will be a close second.
Mississippi State at South Alabama
You can't tell me the University of South Alabama isn't just UAB on an oil derrick with a bookstore and Bass Pro Shops built into it.
Southern Miss at Alabama
Southern Miss victories in this series are like locusts. They come about once every 10 years, and when they're, overdue no one but the locusts seems to care.
Louisiana-Monroe at LSU
"Who was Louisiana Monroe, and why was she Huey Long's favorite mistress?"
-- Dr. Les Miles, history professor, Louisiana State University
Kentucky at Florida
There was a quarterback named Randy "The Stickleyville Slingshot" Jenkins who played for Kentucky in 1982 and threw two touchdowns and 20 interceptions. He was later charged with fraud for passing bad checks. He is one of the greatest Wildcat quarterbacks ever.
Tennessee at Oklahoma
Eight years ago, you let your athletic director pick your schedule using Dynasty Mode in "NCAA Football 2004." This is what happens, Tennessee.
Rice at Texas A&M
Rice was in this game last year until late in the second half -- with Johnny Manziel and Mike Evans frequently playing. DON'T LOSE TO FOOD. IT'S A RULE IN LIFE, AGGIES.
Thursday, September 18th
Auburn at Kansas State
A gang of caffeinated squirrels with tiny rock hammers swinging as fast as they can at the side of a giant, unperturbed land tortoise: that is this game, a matchup between one of football's most frenetic offenses and its polar opposite, the productive glacier of Kansas State.
Saturday, September 20th
Indiana at Missouri
At least one out of every five SEC-area sports bar-watchers will spot this on the television, sip a Bud Light, frown, and mutter "I ain't watching that Big Ten game."
Troy at Georgia
Trojans coach Larry Blakeney seems like the kind of dude who doesn't have air conditioning in his house, on principle.
"Yeah I got air-conditioning, pal." [points to tank top, flexes.]
Texas A&M at SMU
Northern Illinois at Arkansas
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bert's uncle from Chicago stops by to ask for money. Bert gives him a beer, tells him which neighbors have strippable copper wire in their houses, and calls the cops to report a burglar on his street.
Mississippi State at LSU
Mississippi State is oh-for-the-21st-century against LSU, having beaten the Tigers once SINCE NINETEEN NINETY ONE. As a matter of comparison: Kentucky, which has played eight fewer games in that same span of time, has four wins against LSU. Bully can't leave his doghouse without wearing a yellow and purple ankle monitor.
South Carolina at Vanderbilt
"Don't blame yourself, Derek. If Vandy fans aren't in the stands, that means there's a Lexus dealership on fire somewhere."
Florida at Alabama
Muschamp winning this game will save his job, and the following week's loss to Tennessee will put his already-scalded ass right back on the frying pan. You know those cars programmed to steer like a drunk person, the ones they use for DUI awareness campaigns? That's Florida.
Saturday, September 27
New Mexico State at LSU
The college was supposed to graduate its first student in 1893, but the senior, named Sam Steel, was murdered before he was able to receive his diploma.
That's pretty much all you need to know about NMSU football.
Missouri at South Carolina
"Hey Gary, played any golf this offseason?"
"A little, Steve."
"Bet you hit those irons real good."
"I hate you, Steve."
Tennessee at Georgia
Pig Howard fumbled the winning touchdown through the end zone last year, and that was indeed weird. But remember that Jonathan Crompton engineered a 26-point blowout of Georgia, so nothing will be normal in this series ever again.
(P.S.: Crompton is now with the Montreal Alouetttes. Three other Alouettes have thrown passes this season, but he has not.)
Arkansas vs. Texas A&M
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bert goes to Texas to kick a dog he believes owes him money. Trouble ensues! (With special guest star Rip Torn as "Colonel Felony.")
Vanderbilt at Kentucky
The game the SEC Network was made to show forever.
Louisiana Tech at Auburn
Don't sneer. It's not like both teams haven't lost to Tulane. Auburn did it in 1955, while Louisiana Tech did it ... um ... last year. Skip Holtz!
Memphis at Ole Miss
The nastiest quarter of football you will see all year any year, followed by three quarters of the Tigers being sucked into a jet engine.
Saturday, October 4
LSU at Auburn
Auburn did lose a game last year: this one, its sixth loss in seven years to LSU. Les Miles, grass-loving friend of the planet, is so very angered by your waste of good trees in victory, Auburn.
South Carolina at Kentucky
"Hardest part about playing at Kentucky? Seeing the field through all that cigarette smoke, probably."
Florida at Tennessee
I remember thinking what a tragedy it was when a Vols fan in Gainesville shot his brother, a Gators fan, during one of the games in the 1990s. Now I realize he was doing him a favor.
Texas A&M at Mississippi State
The Jackie Sherrill Cup! Winner gets probation and a fresh set of bull testicles.
Vanderbilt at Georgia
"Let us bow our heads for a moment of prayer to golf."
[entire stadium breaks down in tears]
Alabama at Ole Miss
Sure, you're 51-8-2 all-time vs. Ole Miss, Alabama. Know what else usually wins? Bubonic plague, and you don't see people saying how much you should love that, do you?
Saturday, October 11
Alabama at Arkansas
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bert challenges his tiny, mean neighbor to a fist fight. Bert later finds out from an emergency room doctor that human bites cause more infections than dog bites.
LSU at Florida
LSU always saves one really great and utterly humiliating trick play for Florida. This year's will be Miles' cruelest: encouraging Jeff Driskel to pass the ball.
Louisiana-Monroe at Kentucky
Pro tip, Wildcats: think of ULM fans as Tennessee fans with a will to live and capacity for happiness.
Ole Miss at Texas A&M
In a half-dozen meetings ever, the Aggies are undefeated against Ole Miss, but winless against fashion, honey. Cling to this victory, Rebels.
Auburn at Mississippi State
¿QUIEN ES MAS AGRICULTURAL? (Es Universidad del Estado de Mississippi, claro.)
Georgia at Missouri
Could be a good crowd if the Cardinals don't make the playoffs this year.
Chattanooga at Tennessee
UTC used to have a mascot named "Chief Moccanooga." The mascot was deemed insensitive, and eventually changed to a lecherous songbird. But somewhere in there the school used this shoe as its mascot. Getting rid of that shoe is why the Mocs are doomed to mediocrity.
Charleston Southern at Vanderbilt
At least it's not those bastards from Charleston Northern.
Saturday, October 18
Georgia at Arkansas
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bert goes to church, like his wife wanted him to. But things take a turn for the worse when Bert gets his own ideas about how many donuts "Free" means at the post-service mingle.
Kentucky at LSU
This feels like one of those games where Kentucky will get 500 yards and still lose by 27.
Tennessee at Ole Miss
The battle between those who subscribe to "Garden & Gun" and those who subscribe to "GUN."
Missouri at Florida
This is Florida's homecoming game. Like your last visit home, this will involve taking a loss, crying, regrets, and explaining to Mom why you didn't and couldn't go into advertising like a normal person.
Furman at South Carolina
"Yeah, Furman's not an FBS team and all that. Then again, neither was Georgia Southern, right?"
Texas A&M at Alabama
Once Saban's up by three scores, watch his lips as he locks eyes with Sumlin across the field and mouths, "YOLO."
Saturday, October 25
Ole Miss at LSU
Might think LSU would be thirsty for revenge after last year's shocking loss at Ole Miss, but Miles is proof a memory disorder, charisma, and a good understanding of zone blocking schemes are the best things a coach can have.
Mississippi State at Kentucky
You know how Nature decided that, when it came time to have certain animals preserved in amber, it usually chose the mosquito? One of the shittiest animals in the history of shitty animals, the insect investment banker of creatures, to forever memorialize in petrified tree sap?
That's what the SEC did in preserving this cross-division rivalry in the new schedule. Try to make a dinosaur from the DNA you get out of this game, science. Hope you enjoy that 40-foot-tall Jared Lorenzen with cowbell hands wrecking your town after it escapes from the lab in search of Skoal and Mountain Dew Code Red.
South Carolina at Auburn
Sixty minutes of double halfback passes, nervous twitching, and glorious visor abuse.
Alabama at Tennessee
No, wait stop [cackling] no really, you see, this game comes after Alabama's likely demolition of Texas A&M [hooting and knee-slapping] and right before their perennially earth-shattering game with LSU [grabs wall to breathe, farts a little from laughing so hard] and yes, even though Tennessee is replacing every starter on both its lines [grabs balls to keep from laughing them off] no STOP I'm not saying Tennessee will beat them [tears, falls over, rolls on filthy ground without concern for clothes] but that it could and should be a really close game based on where they fall in the schedule [begins crying from laughing so hard as to cause an abdominal hernia, is put on medical redshirt by Saban for faster, younger laughing person who won't take up a roster spot.]
Vanderbilt at Missouri
Mizzou prides itself on its journalism school. But Vanderbilt has produced luminary talents in the field, like--
Beat them by 400 points, Tigers.
UAB at Arkansas
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bert is told he is going to be "chasing the dragon," and confusion ensues!
Saturday, November 1
Old Dominion at Vanderbilt
2014 marks ODU's first year as a full member of FBS in Conference USA. Related to the previous entry: despite this, the Monarchs were picked ahead of UAB in preseason conference polling. FIU was picked behind both of them. FIU is a house-ruining carpet mold in cleats.
Auburn at Ole Miss
Ed Norton wants to direct and write the zany tale of Freeze and Malzahn as two competing megachurch pastors trying to win over congregants in a small Southern town. YOU MUST NOT LET HIM GET THE RIGHTS TO THIS FILM HE WILL RUIN IT AND ALSO PROBABLY WANT A STARRING ROLE AND GET TO DO AN ACCENT. Oh god, please don't let this ever happen.
Arkansas at Mississippi State
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). When his car breaks down in rural Mississippi, Bert punches cows in the face until one of them gives him a straight answer about where a man can get a suitcase of Busch and a new alternator in these parts.
Kentucky at Missouri
Tennessee at South Carolina
"Now, Butch Jones done what Lane Kiffin and Derek Dooley couldn't do. What am I talking about? A lot of things, potentially, now that I think about it. Like, could be anything at all."
Louisiana-Monroe at Texas A&M
The only things these two schools definitely agree on are deer jerky as a food group and a tree stand as an acceptable place to have an extramarital tryst.
Florida vs. Georgia
Rivalries, like bugs hitting your car at 80 mph, tend to run in streaks. This particular bug is named Will Muschamp. He thinks the windshield is his best friend.
Saturday, November 8
Alabama at LSU
Les Miles still hasn't fully explored the labyrinths Saban had installed under Tiger Stadium. All he knows is that he can hear Jordan Jefferson down there somewhere, playing "Streets of Rage," the greatest game about living in Baton Rouge.
Georgia at Kentucky
The trophy for this series should probably be a bronze statue of a downed single-engine aircraft surrounded by beer cans.
Presbyterian at Ole Miss
"Hey, let's kick the hell out of those Blue Hose," said Hugh Freeze, disgraceful standard-bearer for violence and calumny against Smurf sex workers.
Tennessee-Martin at Mississippi State
Best anagrams for Starkville's county, Oktibbeha:
- Hit a Kebob
- Babe Ho Kit
- Hot Bi Beak
- Oh, bike bat
- The Oak Bib
- Dan Mullen's Interview With Miami Really, Really Didn't Go Well
Texas A&M at Auburn
Revel in the pleasure of a state where one tribe worships trees and another worships the elephant, both of them looking at Texas A&M and going, "Y'ALL ARE A DEVIANT CULT."
Florida at Vanderbilt
The great unwashed versus the ungreat washed.
Saturday, November 15
LSU at Arkansas
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bert enters a contest for "The Golden Boot." A hilarious and horrifying misunderstanding of definitions ensues! (Warning: episode contains expensive vomiting.)
Auburn at Georgia
Good luck defeating DR. MALZAHN'S EVIL GRAVITY CANNON.
BOW TO THE POWER OF SCIENCE, SERVANTS OF THE ASTHMATIC DOG.
Mississippi State at Alabama
The Bulldogs under Mullen have never scored more than 10 points against Alabama.
South Carolina at Florida
"Let's not make this any worse than it has to be, y'all. We're up by 20 and so forth."
"Fake this punt and throw a deep play-action pass when we get it."
"I thought you didn't want to make it worse than it has to be, Coach?"
"Well, if I'm calling that, obviously we ain't there yet, are we?"
Kentucky at Tennessee
The second saddest thing I ever heard growing up in Tennessee was people saying they were "coming to Tennessee for fun" on the weekend. The first saddest was people from Tennessee who went to Kentucky for fun.
This game is a sorrow-welt on the ass end of football, and "for fun" had to have something to do with drugs made from expired firework innards and cough medicine made in trailer bathtubs.
Missouri at Texas A&M
"Pour one out for the WAC, bitches!" [both teams throw for 400 yards and make no attempt to stop a single pass all night]
Saturday, November 22
Western Carolina at Alabama
The Western Carolina mascot was nearly "the Mountain Boomer," a type of squirrel noted for being very difficult to catch. This trivia could be the only thing of value in this whole game, and aren't you glad we added a 12th game for just these occasions?
Samford at Auburn
There is a long-running rumor that when Terry Bowden was coaching at Samford, some of his players stole car stereos out of the school parking lot. He addressed the team and said that he was disappointed, but that if someone just returned the loot before the next day, no further investigation or charges would be pressed. The next day, Bowden's car stereo was stolen during practice.
I want this to be true. I need it to be true.
Eastern Kentucky at Florida
"Boys, let's just go out there and win it in the fourth quarter."
"Who are you?"
"Hi, I'm interim coach Ed Orgeron. You might remember me from the film 'I Brought Them In-N-Out: the True Story Of How I Seemed Lovable After Lane Kiffin's Reign of Terror.'"
"How did you get here?"
"Good question. Bettah quession: how did ALL THESE DELICIOUS CUPCAKES GET HERE?"
[Florida goes on to beat Eastern Kentucky by four points]
Charleston Southern at Georgia
Go away, Charleston. You're just a roofless antique store too cheap to pay for air conditioning.
P.S.: SHRIMP AND GRITS ISN'T THAT SPECIAL. YOU HEARD ME. IT'S CORNMEAL AND AQUA-ROACHES AND IF YOU GET REAL FANCY OOOOOH SCALLIONS. WHEN YOU DO IT IT'S AMAZING, BUT WHEN I DO IT WITH WEEDS AND BUGS AND GRAVEL AND EAT IT OUT OF A BIKE HELMET WITH A FORK THEY CALL THE POLICE AND ASK ME NOT TO EAT IT AT THE BUS STOP IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN BECAUSE IT FRIGHTENS THEM.
Ole Miss at Arkansas
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). Bert asks an innocent question about the Rebels' mascot, then spends the rest of the episode gnawing his own arm off trying to get away from the answers.
South Alabama at South Carolina
"Gotta be hard to keep players in that football program, since every Jaguar I've seen in Alabama ends up getting repossessed."
Missouri at Tennessee
When you Google "Tennessee Missouri History," you get this image.
Oh look, it's Tennessee's offensive line.
So glad the Doomed Riverboat Rivalry could pick up right where it never left off.
Vanderbilt vs. Mississippi State
"That's alright/ that's okay/ you'll buy pork from us someday."
That's yours, Miss State. Use it. It's free.
Thursday, November 27
LSU at Texas A&M
If you attend this game and still believe in the philosophy of libertarianism and a self-governing citizenry after watching these two groups of people in the same place, I will accept that your mind cannot ever, ever be changed about anything.
Friday, November 28
Arkansas at Missouri
That's My Bert (9:00 p.m. CMT). On a very important episode, the Bielemas face one of the most important challenges of our age: the continued existence of Missouri.
Saturday, November 29
Tennessee at Vanderbilt
"We've retaken the state from Vanderbilt" will be the Vols' "Sober For One Week" chip.
Auburn at Alabama
Screenshot: 9:19 p.m., November 29, 2014
Mississippi State at Ole Miss
Dr. Bo, that procedure you performed at the end of the Egg Bowl last year is basically illegal in Mississippi.
South Carolina at Clemson
"Don't be mad, Dabo. Gettin' Clemson fans to count to six is a pretty special accomplishment."
Florida at Florida State
Never forget, Will: even Ron Zook won his last game against Florida State.
Georgia Tech at Georgia
Say it with me, Georgia Tech fans:
"E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future. E-sports are the future."
Kentucky at Louisville
"Hey, where'd Bobby go, it's the third quarter, and ... "
"... and that's when he takes the Florida job, and you live the same nightmare over and over again."