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This Week In Schadenfreude: The official stance of Michigan football is tears

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There's evidence and everything! That and more in our weekly roundup of the saddest and angriest reactions to college football's weekend.

As I am quickly learning, TWIS is a lot of work to compile. You have to dig and hunt for the craziest comments, buried within message boards and social media by people with only minimal connections to their beloved football programs.

Except when the beloved football program comes to you:

Dave Brandon will be sending you a $400 invoice for those tears, however.

ACC

Every team in The Kingdom of I-95 won last week except one: Boston College, which lost at home to Pitt in a somewhat sloppy Friday night contest. Maybe someone on Eagle Outsider can tell an uplifting story and inspire us in this time of trouble!

Two things. In the summer of 1996, when I was particularly foul tempered and studying for the bar, I put Danny Kanell in a head lock and tossed him to the ground outside the Dublin House. I do not regret that at all. Second, this team isn't even likable. In fact, they are down right detestable. Gutless and the body language is awful. And for whatever their prowess as recruiters, this coaching staff's X and O chops are putrid.

Wait ... you're a BC fan and you went to law school? Have you ever made a good decision?

BIG TEN

There's been a lot of talk about just how disastrous last week was for the Big Ten, but let's take a step back. Only five teams in the conference lost, and two of those were Purdue and Northwestern. A disappointing Purdue loss isn't a bellwether of anything but the normal passage of time. Michigan State could have struck a big blow for the B1G, but it can't be all that shameful to play Oregon tough on the road even if you wind up losing.

So maybe we should stop saying the Big Ten is terrible and start embracing the more hater-friendly perspective: Ohio State and Michigan are the problem!

Conference Power Rankings

In honor of this column's originator, we will begin with the MGoBlog rending of garments:

Right now, we look a year away from being good.

also said a year ago

Is there any legitimate hope of a Woman at this point?

Do you have your phone set to autocorrect W to Woman?

Tire fire
I watched the entire Alabama vs Michigan game in Texas. I turned tonight's game off after 3 quarters, I couldn't punish myself anymore. Please don't make us as a fan group hurt anymore Michigan. FIRE BRANDON, HOKE, the whole staff, EVERYBODY! And bring in Harbaugh. No matter how much money it takes. We profited $110 million last yr in football, that's on a yearly basis and we can't pay 5 -10 mill for a good head coach?! BRING IN HARBAUGH

Hire a MAC coach
and you'll get a MAC team.

Losers.
we have all become losers around here.

Gardner is a loser, because hoke is a loser.

When went 7-5 and were content, not happy, but angry enough, because the five teams were good... we were losers.

Last year when we almost beat OSU, but we didn't and we accepted it. We were losers. Not brian thought, I give him that....

This team, these coaches and these players, don't hate losing... they, and we accept it and try to put the best, most positive face on it... I get it, becasue it is human nature...

but we have become losers...

I want a coach who hates losing, so we can have players who hate losing, so we can have fans who don't have to tolerate losing...

that is what I think of our coaches. For the first time ever. fire hoke. I am done with him.

and I am done making excuses. we are at the nadir of our program...

It's year 4
We hired a great guy who wasnt our first choice who everyone loves who fails to develop talent

we hired Tyrone Willingham

Now, hold on, that last one's not fair. Ty Willingham took a team to the Rose Bowl! Right now, you're looking at a 4 in AP Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. Can you bump it up to a 5, Michigan?

Bravo, Wolverines. Bravo.

As you can tell, Brady Hoke is not a particularly popular person amongst the Ann Arbor set. Fair or not, a record of 27-14 and two consecutive losses in mid-tier bowls is not what Michigan fans were hoping for at this point.

Urban Meyer, on the other hand, is 25-3 in Columbus and would have two BCS bowl appearances if not for Gene Smith's poor gambling skills. So he's certainly earned some wiggle room after losing his star quarterback just before the start of the season, right?

Wel l...

welllllll l...

welllllllllllllll ...

ahahahahahahahahahah you said ahahahahahahahaha you'd take ahahahahahahahahahaahaha BOLLMAN ahahahahahaha

BIG 12

Last year, ranked Texas gave up 40 points and 550 rushing yards to a BYU team that had just lost to Virginia. This year, unranked Texas gave up 41 points and a little over 400 total yards to a BYU team that looked pretty strong in a Week 1 win over UConn. Sure, it's not a major improvement, but rebuilding projects take time! I'm sure everyone at Burnt Orange Nation understands that.

We're supposed to have patience. Screw that.

No other team in America suspends the whole damn team to make a point. I have a saying I tell my teams at work that seems appropriate here...you can be right, or you can win. When Charlie's the defensive coordinator at McNeese in a couple years I hope he feels proud of his goddamned rules.

"You can be right, or you can win?" What kind of business rewards wrongness? Arby's?

just got done watching keye sports on sunday night.....
What pisses me the f!# off !!!!!!!!! Is watching the post game interviews on a few players and NOT SEEING ANY KIND OF TOTAL ANGER IN THERE VOICE OR THERE FACES ABOUT JUST GETTING THERE ASS kicked all over the f ING field........when u see the swagger like i did in the players for west Virginia and ole miss the last couple years before the game and byu this year and not seeing anything what so ever for the players of the university of texas.....it pisses me the F OFF.....!!!!!! Where's the attitude at for the game your about to f ing play......shit....!!! As a fan I wont waste anymore of my money to come see that crap......and I know others that noticed what I've seen also........only good thing I saw in the post game interview with r coach is what he told the players right before the game ......that they were not ready to play and they would probally get embaressed.....and guess the f !# what...? THATS EXACTLY WHAT F ING HAPPENED......!!! We all should be so sick and tired of this shit as fans and players and coaches.......somethings gotta give dammitt..!!!!!!! Shit let some of us go into the locker room before the game and show these players how to get freaking motivated and fired up !!! Hell......Wil have them crapping thunder and spitting fire running onto the field before the game.......I didn't see any player last night run out from the tunnel and looked liked they were so pumped up they were goin to explode and were ready to take names and kick some ass.....instead they looked like the were intimidated and afraid......REALLY GUYS....? I am so sick and tired of the last 4 years staying on a straight line....ambarrassed , u name it.........ITS GOT TO END NOW...!!!!!!!! WERE THE TEXAS LONGHORNS...!!!!!

STOP THE FIGHT. You had Scott Tenorman of the Week locked up when you offered to show up in the locker room and ... actually, I have no idea what your thundercrap-inducing plan was. If you'd like to elaborate in the comments, I'm sure we'd all greatly appreciate it.

Thank goodness for SB Nation's other Texas site, Barking Carnival, a bastion of calm assessment in a sea of overreaction.

You'll clap and smile when Taysom Hill wins the Fields Medal for this or else you're grounded, Barking Carnival.

This is your brain on Iowa State.

Some day I'll have the foresight to stop watching Iowa State football.

It's no different than doing hard drugs. Feels good to do it, but it's terrible for your health and you hate yourself after.

You find me one person who describes the feeling of being on heroin as "like barely going .500 and then losing the Pinstripe Bowl." If drugs only gave you the euphoria of watching a Cyclones game, Pablo Escobar would have become a substitute teacher.

PAC-12

Stanford fans were disappointingly calm in the aftermath of losing to USC. What, the knowledge that you were not so long ago a football bottom-feeder and in any event your career prospects are likely promising and you get to enjoy California weather is enough? Get it together and demand a Kevin Sumlin hire, dammit!

Because Cardinal fans failed us, Washington State stands alone to represent the conference this week.  (They're good at this, fortunately.) Lead us off, Mark Sandritter!

Being a Washington State football fan is what I imagine it's like to walk around a public dog park in the dark of night. At some point you're going to step in a pile of shit. It's inevitable. The only question is when is it going to happen and how much shit is going to stick to your shoe. Washington State not only stepped in it to start this season, but slipped, fell and ate a mouthful.

Hey, we finally joined Facebook!

It's the long-term fatalism that sets Cougs apart. A loss is not just a bad day -- it's irrefutable proof of a loveless, miserable existence from which there will never be an escape.

Tell me.
Aside from a blind altruistic faith in our team (which I have and will have for a long time, curse my liver)

Why would I tune in every week to get my hopes up and inevitably crushed every time?

Even in games we are "favored" it's the tv shows, coworkers, and every blog I read aside from coug ones telling me how entertaining a game it was and how we collapsed as usual in the fourth.

If I were to convince someone to root for the Cougs how would I tell that story? I would always tell them that they should but it doesn't mean much.

Is it every year that we are ‘improving' and ‘young' or do we suck balls for all of history?

As someone who personally attended every game 08-12, I'm not entitled to anything. The football team doesn't owe me anything.

Whew. Let's lighten things up with some D'Angelo.

How it feels right now

SAID I GOTTA KNOOOOW RIGHT NOWWWWW

SEC

Congratulations, Derek Mason. You almost made it to Papua New Guinea Independence Day.

Vanderbilt fan Kevin Anderson of Cookeville bought the domain name firederekmason.com on Saturday and intends to turn it into a blog.

Ugh, not another blogger. They're the worst.

NEXT WEEK: Virginia Tech is ranked, what could possibly go wrong? Steve Spurrier keeps coaching only to make Georgia fans unhappy! Bielema-Kingsbury Fashion Show! Return of Cy-Hawk! The UCLA-Texas game where we learn they're not that different after all!