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This Week In Schadenfreude: Fire Bobo (and send him to Kansas)

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This week's roundup of the most unhinged things said by college football fans during their teams' disappointing performances last weekend. RUN THE DANG SCHADENFREUDE.

TWIS should not be seen as proof that you are better or more balanced than any other college football fan. No, this works best when you can recognize the pain and anguish of others as something you yourself are entirely capable of. For example:

To be clear, I was simply suggesting that his organizational skills and game planning abilities might be better used somewhere else for the sake of our national interest, because I'm just as insane as all of you.

ACC

Virginia Tech fans know better than most how fleeting the euphoria of pulling off an upset can be. The possibility of a letdown should not be ignored, and good coaches will take any steps necessary to maintain the team's focus and execution week to week.

Unsurprisingly, fans at The Key Play believe those steps should include the medically unsound use of pyrotechnics:

are you fucking kidding me we go deep then our o line say's ok were done. Searels has got to light a fire rocket up their ass and find people that want to play because the starting o line just doesn't want to play

Finding yourself in a 14-point hole at halftime has to be demoralizing. If only there were some recent examples Hokie fans could point to for inspiration!

If anyone forgot, we were up 21-7 over OSU at half, and they tied it. LET'S DO THIS

Well yes, but how did that turn out?

They lost though. We're gonna complete the comeback

Exactly. Wait, not that second part. Which game are we talking about again? I got confused.

OSU WAS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING OVERRATED!

Ah, that moment when your loss becomes so abhorrent that you use it to denigrate your wins. It's like watching someone throw out an entire batch of cookies because one of them is burnt.

sdajkfnlkasjdnlksjd.nlsdjflkdjincddklfnjoeijnfn
dsfjnlkcnjl;dojoeinkdl
dknfpadsijfwejlkhjdlkfdaocijdknce3wje
dfwaeiof;hfkdjfhlkdshif
DJSFEREDJDCKJDCSDIS;ALKJASF;LDCJKL;DSCDJ;;NDOIS;ADNCIDNCDSOIA

Sir or ma'am, I don't speak Blacksburg. Let me run that through Google Translate.

MOTHERFUCKER PIECE OF SHITFUCKING ASSHOLE SHITFUCKERS

Oh. Yeah, I understand that. (Thought shitfucking shitfuckers seems a little redundant.) The important thing is to regroup, figure out how you can fix things for the rest of the season, and start thinking about getting your revenge. Right, TechSidline?

Right!

Louisville fans at Card Chronicle chose to analyze their loss to Virginia by debating determinism:

No no, Irememberwheat! "Because we're historic choke artists" merely confirms the premise of The5thHundred's question without actually providing an answer as to the root cause.

Elsewhere in that game thread is a stunning example of commenter whiplash:

Hey
FSU won the Orange Bowl a couple years ago after a close road loss to NC State. Never say never

Haven't seen us play this bad as a team since the Kragthorpe days! U-G-L-Y....

The existence of these two comments from two different users immediately next to one another proves that human perspective is inherently flawed and has no value in understanding the universe.

BIG TEN

Maryland has problems, y'all. Fortunately, the citizens speaking up at Testudo Times have some proposed answers.

Option 1:

Can we clone CJ Brown's legs and attach them to his arms?
His current arms just aren't doing it.....he's so inaccurate.....

Unclear if this proposal involves replacing Brown's arms with a second pair of legs or grafting a second pair of legs to his arms, giving him appendages which would be as horrifying as they would be useless. Proposal rejected without blueprints.

Option 2:

I should have starting drinking
two days ago

A worthwhile proposal for you, but unclear how this would help Maryland football. Unless you have telekinesis that's only powered by alcohol poisoning. Proposal rejected.

Option 3:

I am now the proud owner of firerandyedsall.net and fireedsall.com
Happy to take all of your suggestions for what to do with it.

Proposal rejected. Nobody is going to take a .net domain seriously. Doesn't anyone have an actual PLAN to offer?

Oh, look, a wall of text!

Here's what I'd do if I were AD:

1. Beg borrow or steal enough to buy out Randy Edsall's contract and to have a 5 year/$25m deal to offer a perspective new head coach.
2. Buy out said contract. Write Edsall a letter of recommendation to coach Duke when the current guy moves on.
3. Start an interview process with every former NFL head coach who's out there and willing to come into my office to talk, even if I don't think they'll take the job, or they probably aren't my guy. Everyone who is willing to interview gets a chance to come in and impress me and make a presentation, and I'll try to sell him on the school. Also interview any former major college football head coaches (I mean big championship type programs, 11-1 teams in a power 5 conference, that sort of thing) who'll come in.
4. Figure out who the best guy is who'll take the money and hire him. Part of this involves name recognition in the region and among potential recruits, but mostly this involves who's going to make us a perennial Rose Bowl and Big Ten Championship type team.
5. Tell the new guy it's his team, he can decide who to keep, who to take scholarships from, which assistants to hire, what the academic standards should be, etc.. That way he'll be fully accountable for better or for worse.
5. Buy a big advertising campaign centering on the new coach's past accomplishments, the heritage of Maryland, and the heritage of the top 4-5 in-conference opponents in our new Big 10 division, plus any rivalry type things we can gin up- to sell season and individual game tickets and merchandise, and spiking TV rating for next season. It could also help recruiting. The new coach should be prominent in the ads, and see if some of the former Maryland stars like Boomer Esiason, Frank Reich, Neil O'Donnell, and Torrey Smith are willing to do cameos in the ads (Maybe Jermaine Lewis and people like that, too?). Include a current player or two if you're sure the new coach will keep them. Maryland is big time now and playing college football's best. It's the hot ticket. Watch a great coach and the star players he'll develop. Be there when we kick Penn State's rear.

Proposal: ACCEPTED! Congratulations, Maryland fans. You now have no money, Mike Shanahan, and dozens of recruits wondering who the hell Neil O'Donnell is.

Admittedly, that's better than Randy Edsall's plan.

You are the Scott Tenorman of the Week, Randy. Good luck with your campaign to have the shot clock taken out of basketball.

Go get some snacks and find a comfy chair. I'll wait.

You good?

Great. Iowa State beat Iowa, and that means it's time for BLACK HEART, ANGRY PANTS!

Where are the POINTS ? WHERE ARE THE FUCKING POINTS GREG?
I am so frustrated. Nothing has changed.

someone stab me in the face.

we suck so much

i'm so fucking sick of Iowa being half assed
we can get half assed for a LOT GODDAMN LESS THAN FOUR MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS A FUCKING YEAR.
TAKE YOUR SON AND GREG DAVIS AND GET THE FUCK OUT

Fucking Clown Show.
I can't believe this shit still surprises me. Fire that fuck and not just bc of the stupid timeout call but for the utterly feckless coaching job we have suffered since I don't know when.

This next one's excerpted for length, but:

Iowa uses the Stalin defense in which you retreat trading space and time for a field goal attempt or the opposing team dies from lack of adequate clothing. This has the added excitement of always waiting to see if your opponent will shoot themselves in the foot and give you the victory. Its un Iowa like to earn the win yourself.

Stalin was Premier of the USSR for 12 years. Kirk Ferentz is in season 16 at Iowa. What does this mean? Kirk Ferentz may actually be Rasputin.

Whew, I'm already exhausted. Minnesota, come in here and give us a little energy.

TOO MUCH ENERGY, MINNESOTA. Meanwhile, Indiana football has Crimson Quarry stuck in the cruelest of feedback loops:

It's almost rhythmic and soothing, like a lullaby for the world's most pessimistic football baby.

This train is almost ready to leave Big Ten country until next week. The next station will be Champaign.

Fire Tim Beckman or go join C-USA
Those are the options. So tired of watching uncompetitive football any time we play someone from a real conference, and that includes our own.

Conference USA has asked us to reiterate that they have your resume on file and will contact you if they have an opening you might be suited for, Illinois.

BIG 12

Rock

Chalk

Real Talk

Proposals include Paul Johnson, Lane Kiffin, and Turner Gill. I have no criticism here, only empathy.

Hey, we finally joined Facebook!

Texas Tech fans at Viva The Matadors: not impressed by good looks and charisma anymore!

Swag
Doesn't mean shit when the team sucks.

We hope Kliff Kingsbury can get things turned around soon. The fate of the animal kingdom depends on it.

F*ck it, I'm going hunting
Last year I got so wrapped up in football and invested in our team that I only made it to the deer lease twice.

2014 will be more hunting less football. I'd rather sit and hunt and not see a GD thing than watch our team stink it up.

PAC-12

The floor is yours, USC fans at Conquest Chronicles. (Which means Boston College will run all over it.)

Time for another Kris Albarado Punt
Make it 6 on the night.

He has as many punts as we have rushing yards

this is atrocious

this is why I drink

I thought we fired Lane Kiffin

Lane beat BC

Get a stop
oh what am I thinking this is over

lol.....must learn!
de·fense

/diˈfens,ˈdēˌfens/
noun
noun: defence; plural noun: defences; noun: defense; plural noun: defenses; noun: the defense

1.

the action of defending from or resisting attack.
"they relied on missiles for the country's defense"

synonyms: protection, guarding, security, fortification

Look, USC, you don't get missiles. I don't care how unfair you think the NCAA's treated you.

SEC

Florida won, and Kentucky didn't, but if your only indicator was the mood of the game thread at Alligator Army, you might understandably believe otherwise. There's invocations of the Georgia Tech offense:

Watching Jeff pass to Demarcus is like watching
Calvin Johnson catch passes from Reggie Ball- you can tell there's immense talent there, you're just sad its being wasted.

And quiet acceptance of a future in which the machines lord over mankind:

My DVR just stopped recording.
It's gone sentient.

And truisms countered with sobering accounting of accumulated failure:

Any given Sunday (Saturday) man. Doesn't matter how good you are or how bad the other team is

And with Muschamp this is doubly true
Doesn't matter if you've never lost to an FCS school- any given Saturday. 
Doesn't matter if you've dominated UGA for two decades- any given Saturday
Doesn't matter if you're playing directional Louisiana- any given Saturday
Doesn't matter if you haven't dropped one at home to Vandy since Hitler's body was warm- any given Saturday.

The important thing is that Gator fans still love one another.

If you've read this far, congratulations. It's time to run the dang Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. Georgia lost to South Carolina for the fourth time in five years and oh hello Dawg Sports how are you today?

I knew we'd find a way to screw this up

Baby cried the day the circus came to town

typical redzone incompetence

Cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her

So the D actually does something great for a change,
and our offense is so incompetent that it can't even score from the 9 yard line? That is some sad, sad shit.

So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown

How can you defend a screen on 1st and goal from the 5?
That garbage doesn't even work on NCAA Football on Freshman mode.

While she danced without a net up on the wire

I will never, ever, ever like Bobo. I am the original hater, and I am never changing. He cant help himself. 4 toss sweeps with #3 would be a better set of calls.

I know a lot about her, 'cause you see

at this point i will take a worse OC just so i can hate somebody else.
Tired of hating Bobo. he makes it so easy

Baby is an awful lot like me

That game sums up why we cant win a championship
All the talent in the world can't make up for bad play on defense, horrible play calls in the red zone, settling for FG's, not capitalizing on turnovers ( 1st and goal on the 4 results in a missed FG from the 12) and bad execution in critical parts of the game. Georgia football at its absolute finest.

DON'T CRY OUT LOOOOOOOOUD

Did anyone see how we still can't defend a pass,
and how we have an inept quarterback, and how Bobo is still a bobo, and how Spurrier still owns CMR and UGA, and how we laid an egg yet again when the pressure was on, and how CMR's record against ranked teams in recent memory is laughable. We did avoid severe meltdowns, however. So... There's that.

JUST KEEP IT INSIDE

I have not read the comments and I probably will not
This game has made me sick. I have a passion for collegiate football. I desire to watch it over any other sporting event in existence. BUT the overwhelming partiality involved in UGA games since 2000 has left me an uncaring soul. As long as Mike Slive and Steve Shaw are left in control there is no way in hell that UGA will ever be the team on top in the SEC. There has never been any support from the league office for UGA (Hawaii, LSU jumping, no rematch in 2012...etc, there are TONS of times where UGA has been on the better team outside looking in). AM I PISSED about Mark Richt and the teams reaction to tonight's loss...YES I AM, but can I understand their reluctance to get emotional...For so long UGA has been the whipping boy of the SEC...you know the very one....the better man in the class taking all the crap and disdain from the dumb teacher. But my emotions are running away...let me get back to point.
UNTIL the boosters of UGA force the University to demand an accounting of the league officials in Alabama, nothing will get better. There is evident disdain for the UGA program in Birmingham. Tonight's film is enough to prove that.
The non-call for OFFENSIVE pass interference on Carolina's first quarter score, the VERY WEAK holding call on Gurley's long TD run (Holding CAN be called against both teams and there were more FLAGRANT examples of holding from the home team), the intentional grounding call when the ball struck the leg of a defender, the first down on 4th when the chain was VERY CLEARLY longer than the nose of the football.
DID UGA PLAY A WEAK GAME? Yes
But South Carolina was the weaker team on display and by the pure will of the SEC (who else can you hold accountable for the pure lack of officiating) were they able to win....
I am going to say it here first and depending on when and how drastically my hangover subsides tomorrow, my opinion may be expressed all over...but I am sick of Mike Slive and the SEC. TO HELL WITH THE SEC. I am dropping the mic and walking off the stage.....

AND LEARN HOW TO HIDE YOUR FEELINGS

NEXT WEEK: Auburn might lose to a Knight Templar! TECHFIGHT! Alligator Army encourages you to think of the weight loss benefits that come with losing your leg in a wood chipper accident! Nearly every Clemson comment will be inappropriate for children, no matter what happens!